AAHZ AND I had acquired the inn under rather dubious circumstances. Specifically, we claimed it as our rightful spoils of war after the two of us (with the assistance of a couple allies, now absent) had routed Isstvan, a maniac magician, and sent him packing into far dimensions along with all his surviving accomplices. The inn had been Isstvan’s base of operations. But now it was ours. Who Isstvan had gotten it from, and how, I didn’t want to know. Despite Aahz’s constant assurances, I lived in dread of encountering the inn’s rightful owner.
I couldn’t help remembering all this as I waited outside the inn for our visitor. As I said, Aahz has very good hearing. When he tells me he hears something “close by,” he frequently forgets to mention that “close by” may be over a mile away.
I have also noted, over the course of our friendship, that his hearing is curiously erratic. He can hear a lizard-bird scratching itself half a mile away, but occasionally seems unable to hear the politest of requests no matter how loudly I shout them at him.
There was still no sign of our rumored visitor. I considered moving back inside the inn, out of the late morning sun, but decided against it. I had carefully arranged the scene for our guest’s arrival, and I hated to disrupt it for such a minor thing as personal comfort.
I had used the disguise spell liberally on Buttercup, Gleep and myself. Gleep now looked like a unicorn, a change which did not seem to bother Buttercup in the slightest. Apparently unicorns are less discriminating about their playmates than are dragons. I had made them both considerably more disheveled and unkempt-looking than they actually were. This was necessary to maintain the image set forth by my own appearance.
Aahz and I had decided early in our stay that the best way to handle unwanted guests was not to threaten them or frighten them away, but rather to be so repulsive that they left of their own accord. To this end, I had slowly devised a disguise designed to convince strangers they did not want to be in the same inn with me, no matter how large the inn was or how many other people were there. In this disguise, I would greet wayward travelers as the proprietor of the inn.
Modestly, I will admit the disguise was a screaming success. In fact, that was the specific reaction many visitors had to it. Some screamed, some looked ill; others sketched various religious symbols in the air between themselves and me. None of them elected to spend the night.
When I experimented with various physical defects, Aahz correctly pointed out that many people did not find any single defect revolting. In fact in a dimension such as Klah, most would consider it normal. To guarantee the desired effect, I adopted all of them.
When disguised, I walked with a painful limp, had a hunched back and a deformed hand which was noticeably diseased. What teeth remained were twisted and stained, and the focus of one of my eyes had a tendency to wander about independently of the other. My nose, in fact my entire face, was not symmetrical, and, in a master stroke of my disguise abilities, there appeared to be vicious looking bugs crawling about my mangy hair and tattered clothes.
The overall effect was horrifying. Even Aahz admitted he found it disquieting, which, realizing what things he’s seen in his travels through the dimensions was high praise indeed.
My thoughts were interrupted as our visitor came into view. He sat ramrod-straight astride a huge, flightless riding bird. He earned no visible weapons, and wore no uniform, but his bearing marked him as a soldier much more than any outer trappings could have. His eyes were wary, constantly darting suspiciously about as he walked his bird up to the inn in slow, deliberate steps. Surprisingly enough, his gaze passed over me several times without registering my presence. Perhaps he didn’t realize I was alive.
I didn’t like this. The man seemed more hunter than casual traveler. Still, he was here and had to be dealt with. I went into my act.
“Does the noble sahr require a room?”
As I spoke, I moved forward in my practical, rolling gait. In case the subtlety of my disguise escaped him, I allowed a large gob of spittle to escape from the corner of my mouth where it rolled unhindered down to my chin.
For a moment, the man’s attention was occupied controlling his mount. Flightless or not, the bird was trying to take to the air.
Apparently my disguise had touched a primal chord in the bird’s mind that went back prior to its flightless ancestry.
I waited, head cocked curiously, while the man fought the bird to a fidgety standstill. Finally, he turned his attention to me for a moment. Then he averted his eyes and stared carefully at the sky.
“I come seeking the one known as Skeeve the magician,” he told me.
Now it was my turn to jump. To the best of my knowledge, no one knew who and what I was, much less where I was, except for Aahz and me.
“That’s me!” I blurted out, forgetting myself and using my real voice.
The man turned horrified eyes on me, and I remembered my appearance.
“That’s me master!” I amended hastily. “You wait ... I fetch.”
I turned and scuttled hastily into the inn. Aahz was waiting inside.
“What is it?” he demanded.
“He’s ... he wants to talk to Skeeve ... to me!” I babbled nervously.
“So?” he asked pointedly. “What are you doing in here? Go outside and talk to the man.”
“Looking like this?”
Aahz rolled his eyes at the ceiling in exasperation.
“Who cares what you look like?” he barked. “C’mon, kid. The man’s a total stranger!”
“I care!” I declared drawing myself up haughtily. “The man asked for Skeeve the magician, and I think ...”
“He what?” Aahz interrupted.
“He asked for Skeeve the magician,” I repeated, covertly studying the figure waiting outside. “He looks like a soldier to me,” I supplied.
“He looks scared to me,” Aahz retorted. “Maybe you should tone down your disguise a bit next time.”
“Do you think he’s a demon hunter?” I asked nervously.
Instead of answering my questions Aahz turned abruptly from the window.
“If he wants a magician, we’ll give him a magician,” he murmured. “Quick, kid, slap the Garkin disguise on me.”
As I noted earlier, Garkin was my first magik instructor. An imposing figure with a salt-and-pepper beard, he was one of our favorite and most oft-used disguises. I could do Garkin in my sleep.
“Good enough, kid,” Aahz commented, surveying the results of my work. “Now follow close and let me do the talking.”
“Like this?” I exclaimed.
“Relax, kid,” he reassured me. “For this conversation I’m you. Understand?”
Aahz was already heading out through the door, without waiting for my reply, leaving me little other choice than to follow along behind him.
“Who seeks an audience with the great Skeeve?” Aahz bellowed in a resonant bass voice.
The man shot another nervous glance at me, and then drew himself up in stiff formality.
“I come as an emissary from his most noble Majesty, Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum, who ...”
“What’s Possiltum?” Aahz interrupted.
“I beg your pardon?” the man blinked.
“Possiltum,” Aahz repeated. “Where is it?”
“Oh!” the man said with sudden understanding. “It’s the kingdom just east of here ... other side of the Ember River ... you can’t miss it.”
“Okay,” Aahz nodded. “Go on.”
The man took a deep breath, and then hesitated, frowning.
“… King of Possiltum ...”I prompted.
“Oh yes! Thanks,” the man shot a quick smile, then another quick stare, then continued, “…King of Possiltum, who sends his respects and greetings to the one known as Skeeve the magician ...”
He paused and looked at Aahz expectantly. He was rewarded with a polite nod of the head. Satisfied, the man continued.
“His Majesty extends an invitation to Skeeve the magician to appear before the court of Possiltum that he might be reviewed for his suitability for the position of court magician.”
“I don’t really feel qualified to pass judgment on the king’s suitability as a court magician,” Aahz said modestly, eying the man carefully. “Isn’t he content just to be king?”
“No, no!” the man corrected hastily. “The king wants to review your suitability.”
“Oh!” Aahz said with the appearance of sudden understanding.
“That’s a different matter entirely. Well, well. An invitation from ... who was it again?”
“Rodrick the Fifth,” the man announced lifting his head haughtily.
“Well,” Aahz said grinning broadly. “I’ve never been one to refuse a fifth!”
The man blinked and frowned, then glanced at me quizzically.
“You may tell His Majesty,” Aahz continued, unaware of our confusion. “I shall be happy to accept his kind invitation. I shall arrive at his court at my earliest convenience.”
The man frowned. “I believe His Majesty requires your immediate presence,” he commented darkly.
“Of course,” Aahz answered smoothly. “How silly of me. If you will accept our hospitality for the night, I and my assistant here will be most pleased to accompany you in the morning.”
I knew a cue when I heard one. I drooled and bared my teeth at the messenger.
The man shot a horrified look in my direction.
“Actually ...”he said hastily, “I really must be going. I’ll tell His Majesty you’ll be following close behind.”
“You’re sure you wouldn’t like to stay?” Aahz asked hopefully.
“Positive!”
The man nearly shouted his reply as he began backing the bird away from us.
“Oh well,” Aahz said. “Perhaps we’ll catch up with you on the road.”
“In that case,” the man said turning his bird. “I’ll want a head ... that is, I’d best be on my way to announce your coming.”
I raised my hand to wave good-bye, but he was already moving at a rapid pace, urging his mount to still greater speeds, and ignoring me completely.
“Excellent!” Aahz exclaimed, rubbing his hands together gleefully. “A court magician! What a soft job! And the day started out so miserably.”
“If I can interrupt,” I interrupted. “There’s one minor flaw in your plan.”
“Hmm? What’s that?”
“I don’t want to be a court magician!”
As usual, my protest didn’t dampen his enthusiasm at all.
“You didn’t want to be a magician, either,” he reminded me bluntly. “You wanted to be a thief. Well, here’s a good compromise for you. As a court magician, you’ll be a civil servant ... and civil servants are thieves on a grander scale than you ever dreamed possible!”