CHAPTER THREE
YOU’D BE AMAZED
WHAT YOU CAN FIND IN A LIBRARY.
OR WHAT CAN FIND YOU.
When we left the White Rabbit I half expected to find some kind of supernatural Uber waiting for us, but instead the moment I stepped outside I found myself facing rows of bookshelves retreating into the distance for just that little bit further than my mind could comfortably cope with. I glanced behind me and the door to the bar was gone, replaced by yet more bookshelves. I turned to Amanda.
“This is the Department’s library?”
“Yes! Isn’t it fabulous?”
“How did we get here?”
She smiled winningly. “I know all the short cuts.”
I shook my head. “So we are now trespassing inside the most secret and heavily guarded Library in the known universe. I can’t help feeling we should have at least tried knocking on the front door. I do have an invitation.”
“I don’t,” said Amanda. “And places like this can get very stuffy when it comes to plus ones. You’re not scared of the Department, are you?”
“I don’t get scared,” I said. “I’m the scary one.”
“Hang on to that attitude. It’ll come in very handy, some of the places we’re going.”
I gave the bookshelves my full attention. Some of the stacks looked tall enough to give experienced mountain climbers nosebleeds, their topmost shelves leaning so far out they actually met over our heads. Narrow passageways went darting off between the stacks as though they couldn’t wait to take us somewhere interesting, but there didn’t seem to be any signs or directions, let alone a map with a helpful You are here. The library was like a massive hedge maze, designed by someone with a vicious grudge against the kind of people who used mazes. Every shelf was packed with books ancient and modern, and I was hard-pressed to see how some of them stayed in place given how far out their shelves jutted.
“Well?” said Amanda. “What do you think?”
“I think this is where books go after they die, if they’ve been good.”
“You can find the answers to any question you can think of here. Though of course there’s no guarantee you’ll like the answers.”
I peered around me, straining my eyes against the gloom filling the gaps between the stacks.
“Where is everyone? Places aren’t normally this empty without a really good reason.”
“This is the last great repository of dangerous and suppressed secrets,” Amanda said calmly. “Books so extreme they don’t need guarding, because they can look after themselves.”
“But how are we supposed to find what we’re looking for?”
“Just concentrate on what you need, and the right book will make itself known to you,” said Amanda. “In fact, the more aggressive or affectionate volumes will actually jump off the shelves and come looking for you. Some of them take rejection very badly, so don’t let your thoughts wander. Unless you want to end up with some unexpurgated volume humping your leg.”
I looked at her. “Please tell me you’re being metaphorical.”
“Not even a little bit.”
“You are really not selling this to me.”
“We’re where we need to be, Jack.”
There comes a point when you just know asking questions isn’t going to get you anywhere, and all that’s left is to jump in with both feet. I approached the nearest bookshelf and studied some of the titles. Immortality On Two Farthings A Day. How To Get The Best Price For Your Soul Or Someone Else’s. Where All The Missing People Are.
Amanda looked at me kindly. “That is a serious frown, Jack. What’s the matter?”
“I had no idea so many magical books still existed,” I said. “Why didn’t George tell me?”
“Why do you think he kept pressing you to come and visit?” said Amanda.
All the alarm bells in the world suddenly started ringing, loud enough to wake the dead and the recently embalmed. I started to raise my hands to my ears, but the deafening racket stopped as suddenly as it began.
“That’s better,” I said, and then caught the look on Amanda’s face. “Isn’t it?”
“They’d only shut down the alarms that quickly if security already had a lock on us,” she said. “Which means a whole bunch of heavily armed guards are currently speeding in our direction. Almost certainly not in a calm or forgiving mood.”
I glared at her. “We are going to get shot to death and buried in unmarked graves and it is all your fault!”
She shrugged. “So much is.”
Two huge bookshelves swung back as though they were weightless, and a dozen security guards came charging through the gap. They were all wearing long black scholars’ robes complete with mortar boards, and carrying seriously impressive automatic weapons. I put my hands in the air to show I wasn’t a threat, and all the guards opened fire. Amanda thrust out a hand, and every single bullet slammed to a halt in mid air. The cloud of expended ammunition hung in place for a moment, as though embarrassed, and then dropped to clatter quietly on the polished wooden floor.
The guards looked at the fallen bullets, and then at each other. I grabbed Amanda by the arm and hauled her out of sight between the nearest stacks.
“They just opened fire on us!” I said.
“I know, Jack. I was standing right there when it happened.”
“But I had my hands in the air! They never even gave us a chance to explain!”
“They’re not paid to listen,” said Amanda. “All that matters to them is: we shouldn’t be here.”
I held onto my calm with both hands. “I just saw you stop bullets in mid air.”
“Are you complaining?”
“You did magic!” I said. “Real magic!”
“Of course. I’m magical.”
“Well,” I said. “I wouldn’t argue with that.”
“You are such a sweetie, Jack.”
“So,” I said. “You’re a witch?”
“Oh please, nothing so vulgar.”
“Then what are you, really?”
“The guards will be coming in after us the moment they’ve reloaded,” said Amanda. “Don’t you think we should be concentrating on the deadly danger at hand?”
I growled under my breath, rummaged quickly through my backpack, and finally brought out an old bone amulet on a cord fashioned from plaited human hair. I slipped it round my neck and smiled despite myself. I was back in the game. Another quick rummage turned up two pairs of brass knuckle-dusters: one blessed and one cursed. I slipped them on, and nodded to Amanda.
“You stay put, while I go teach those wolves in lecturers’ robes the error of their ways.”
She looked at me sternly. “I do not need looking after.”
“But I can’t concentrate properly on handing out beatings if I’m worrying about you getting hurt.”
“Testosterone,” she said sadly. “It’s such a curse.”
“I have to do this,” I said. “I can’t allow myself to be killed by just anyone. I have my reputation to think of.”
“Oh well,” said Amanda. “As long as there’s a rational explanation for running head on at a dozen heavily armed security guards . . . ” She stopped, and looked thoughtfully at the bone amulet hanging over my heart. “What is that thing? It feels seriously old, but I don’t recognise the markings.”
“It makes other people see me where I’m not.”
“Oh. One of those. Does it work on bullets as well as people?”
“It works on the people firing the bullets.”
“Oh, go on then,” said Amanda. “Have your fun, but don’t take too long. We have a lot to do.”
I stepped out of the stacks and into the open; immediately all the guards raised their weapons and opened fire again. Bullets flew past me on either side, but didn’t even come close. The guards couldn’t hit me because I wasn’t where they were aiming. I showed the guards my most confident grin, the one that really upsets people, and charged straight at them.
I was in and among the guards before they had time to react, and they had to stop firing for fear of shooting each other. They lashed out with their gun butts, but I was never where they thought I was. Fists sailed harmlessly past my head as I moved among the guards, lashing out with my knuckle-dusters. Blood spurted from a man’s nose as it broke, but I was already turning away to hit another guard in the side of the head, and slam a punch in under a third man’s sternum. Guards went crashing to the floor, one after another; none of them got anywhere near me.
I put the hard word on the last man standing with a little extra vim and vigour, and he measured his length on the floor with a satisfyingly loud thud. I lowered my armoured hands, took a few deep breaths, and surveyed my fallen enemies. They never stood a chance, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to feel sorry for them. They shouldn’t have fired on someone with their hands in the air.
And that was when a whole new crowd of security guards came charging through the gap in the bookshelves, gowns flapping and guns at the ready. I wasted a moment thinking This really isn’t fair, and then I went to meet them with my knuckle-dusters raised. The odds were really not good, but I needed to keep their attention fixed on me, and not Amanda.
A small part of me was quietly asking Are you really ready to die for her? And the answer came back Hell, yeah.
“Lower those guns and stand down!” said a loud and thankfully familiar voice. “That’s an order!”
The guards stumbled to a halt and lowered their guns as George came striding through their ranks. They avoided his gaze like children who’d been caught doing something they knew they shouldn’t, while George took in the semi-conscious bodies lying scattered across the floor and allowed his mouth to twitch in a brief smile. He nodded to me, and then glared at the guards.
“This is the current Outsider. He is here at my express invitation.”
“He didn’t enter the library in the approved manner,” muttered one of the guards. “We only discovered the intruders were in here when one of the books informed on them for talking too loudly.”
“I am aware of your failure to pay proper attention,” said George. “We will be discussing that later in great detail and you are not going to enjoy it at all.” He turned his back on the guards and looked at me reproachfully. “I am pleased to see you, Jack, but the front door is there for a reason.”
“I don’t like to be predictable,” I said. “And I hope you don’t mind, but I brought a friend.”
Amanda emerged from the stacks, smiling demurely, and slipped her arm through mine. George nodded politely.
“Good to see you again, Miss Fielding.”
“Call me Amanda,” she said brightly.
Some of the fallen guards were starting to get to their feet, and making really hard going of it. George glared at the second batch.
“Assist your fallen comrades, and then return to your posts. And check the defensive perimeters are still intact! It’s always possible someone else could have sneaked in here while you were distracted.”
It took the guards a while to get everyone on their feet and moving, accompanied by groans and whimpers and not a little bad language, but eventually they disappeared back through the slowly closing stacks. The last one hurried around gathering up fallen mortar boards, while carefully avoiding our eyes, and then scuttled out after the others. I nodded to George.
“You’ve got them very well trained.”
“Yes,” said George. “But unfortunately, training isn’t everything.”
“Can I just ask: why the black gowns and silly hats?”
“Tradition, Jack. When an institution has been around as long as the Department, it can’t help but accumulate a whole raft of weird customs. You wouldn’t believe what I have to go through at the changing of the guard.”
I shook some blood off my knuckle-dusters, and dropped them into my pockets. Just in case I might need them again.
“Sorry if I damaged some of your people.”
“Good experience for them,” George said briskly. “For when they have to fight a real enemy.”
I put my hand to the amulet on my chest, and concentrated on the disabling words. It turned back into a piece of old bone, and George made a relieved sound.
“Thank you. Damned thing was giving me a headache.”
“It saved my life when your guards opened fire on me, after I surrendered!” I said loudly. “Is that standard procedure here?”
“Pretty much,” said George. “But I am glad to see you here, Jack. Can I ask what finally persuaded you?”
“I’ve been trying to explain my life to Amanda,” I said. “And it seems I don’t know nearly as much about my job as I should. I thought I might find some answers here. If you have no objections . . . ”
“Don’t give it another thought,” said George. “We have books on every subject under the sun, and some that can only be read in the dark.”
He turned his professional smile on Amanda, and she smiled dazzlingly back. George nodded, acknowledging that he’d been out-smiled.
“Tell me, Jack. Why did you bring this charming young lady to such a highly restricted location?”
“Because she’s with me,” I said.
“Ah . . . ” said George. “So this is like bringing a new girlfriend home to meet the family?”
“Not really, no,” I said.
Amanda hugged my arm, and beamed happily at George. “We’re still in the getting-to-know-you phase of our relationship.”
George met her gaze steadily. “Miriam and I did wonder why you disappeared from the Tate in such a hurry.”
“I’m not big on answering questions,” said Amanda.
“I can vouch for that,” I said.
George shrugged. “She can stay. As long as she doesn’t touch anything.”
“Never on a first date,” said Amanda.
“Now, Jack,” said George. “If you’ll just tell me the kind of books you’re interested in . . . ”
I looked around. “I don’t suppose this is a lending library?”
“Hardly,” said George. “Removing any book is strictly and violently forbidden. Though you couldn’t drive some of them out the door with an electric cattle prod. They know when they’re on to a good thing.” He smiled at the look on my face. “Fill a book with really weird information, and you shouldn’t be surprised when you end up with a really weird book. Some of the older volumes contain so much esoteric knowledge you can hold conversations with them. While others are so paranoid about sharing what they know we have to pry the covers open with a crowbar.”
“I thought magic had gone out of the world,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me there was so much weird stuff left, George?”
He didn’t look apologetic, because that wasn’t his way. “I have been inviting you here for some time, Jack.”
“We’re supposed to be living in a world of science,” I said accusingly.
“You’ll have to ask Miriam about that,” said George. “She’s the scholar. Though I should warn you she’ll undoubtedly use words like quantum, and experimenter’s intent, until you’re ready to accept anything as long as she’ll just stop talking at you. Basically . . . some things still insist on being real, despite every argument that they shouldn’t.”
“These books are the last of their kind,” said Amanda. “And you keep them locked up in a zoo for people to stare at.”
“Because they’re too dangerous to be allowed out in the world,” said George.
“Even though they’re in danger of becoming extinct?” said Amanda.
“Better them than us,” said George. “Especially when some of them will keep trying to escape.”
“Knowledge wants to be free,” said Amanda.
I cleared my throat loudly, to remind them I was still there. George gestured expansively at the rows of shelves.
“It’s all yours, Jack, but I will need some kind of reference point before I can advise you where to start looking. People have been known to venture into the stacks and not come out again. We have to send in search parties.”
“We’re interested in the history of the Outsider,” said Amanda. “And why people stopped believing in magic, in favour of science.”
“If only they had,” said Miriam.
The next head of the Department came striding out of the stacks, and glared at me challengingly.
“How did you get in, Outsider?”
“I was invited,” I said mildly.
“And what’s she doing here?” said Miriam, indicating Amanda with a quick flick of the hand so she could keep on glaring at me.
“Thought I might need a bodyguard,” I said.
Miriam smiled. “Yes . . . She looks like she could be scary, in the right light.”
“What can we do for you, Miriam?” I said.
“I’ve just been talking to the security guards.”
“As if they hadn’t suffered enough,” murmured George.
Miriam looked at him. “What?”
“Nothing,” said George. “Do continue.”
Miriam went back to scowling at me. “How did you get past our defences?”
“I’m the Outsider,” I said. “Impossible is what I do before I get out of bed in the morning. Now what were you saying, about people believing in magic?”
“They always have,” Miriam said flatly. “Despite every attempt to educate them. Think how far civilisation might have advanced, if it hadn’t had to waste so much time battling ignorance and superstition.”
“You know magic is real,” I said. “You saw it in action, at the Tate.”
“That was just a pocket dimension, trapped inside a psychically charged image!” Miriam said loudly.
“Told you,” said George.
“What are you muttering about?” said Miriam.
“Nothing,” said George. “Carry on explaining things. You do it so well.”
Miriam turned back to me. “How were you able to take down so many of our armed guards?”
“I’m the Outsider,” I said calmly. “I eat scarier things than them for brunch.”
Miriam smiled suddenly. “Good for you. I like a man who sticks up for himself.”
She walked right up to me, and it was all I could do to stand my ground. It felt like being approached by an attack dog that had unexpectedly started wagging its tail.
“You were very impressive at the Tate, Jack. Did you go to all this trouble to break in, because you knew I’d be here?”
“I just need to do some research,” I said.
Miriam leaned in close. “When you’re done, see me afterwards.” She stepped back, and was immediately all business again. “Good thing you waited for me, before you went into the stacks. Some of those books would eat you alive.”
I looked at George. “Is she joking?”
“Hardly ever, in my experience,” said George. “I find it helps to think of the library as a jungle full of predators.”
“Speaking of which,” I said, “Before I came here I received a visit from a Man In Black.”
“Nothing to do with me,” he said immediately. “They answer to a different authority.”
“Anyone I might have heard of?”
George didn’t quite glance at Amanda. “Not in front of the civilians, Jack. Did you happen to recognise this particular Man In Black?”
“We worked together in the past,” I said. “He’s calling himself Mr. Slender these days.”
“The horror, the horror,” George said solemnly.
“I know,” I said. “Some online sites should come with a mental health warning.”
“What do you have in common with the Men In Black?” said Miriam.
I shrugged. “Sometimes they know things, about the bombs I have to defuse.” I looked coldly at George. “And sometimes they just turn up out of nowhere to intimidate witnesses and make sure they won’t say anything.”
“There are times when that’s part of the job,” George said calmly.
“That attitude is what’s kept me out of the Department,” I said.
“You worked with this Mr. Slender?” said Miriam.
“He was assigned to me, when I first became the Outsider. To show me the ropes, and teach me how to move unnoticed through the world. Can’t say I ever warmed to him. Men In Black weren’t designed to have people personalities.”
Miriam nodded slowly. “So they are artificial. I did hear rumours . . . ”
“What business did Mr. Slender have with you?” said George.
“He wanted me to stop asking questions.”
George frowned. “About what?”
“Anything and everything. Apparently I’m supposed to just do my job and keep my mouth shut.” I smiled. “He should have known that was never going to fly.”
“Couldn’t agree more,” George said briskly. “Can’t have those jumped-up messenger boys getting above themselves. You name the book or the subject, Jack, and we’ll find it for you.”
“Hold it right there,” said Miriam, turning her glare on George. “You’re allowing him unrestricted access, on his first visit?”
“If that’s what it takes, to bring the Outsider into the fold,” said George.
Amanda surreptitiously squeezed my arm. I nodded apologetically to George and Miriam, and moved Amanda off to one side so we could talk quietly.
“We can’t allow ourselves to be distracted,” she said sternly. “We need to identify which parts of magical history led to the rewriting.”
“Let me have a quiet word with George,” I said.
“Make it quick,” said Amanda. “Miriam is getting suspicious.”
“I’m pretty sure she was born that way,” I said. “Probably came out of the womb interrogating the midwife about her qualifications.”
I went back to George and indicated that we needed to talk privately. Miriam glowered at both of us as we moved away, annoyed at being left out. I told George what I was looking for and he nodded immediately.
“You mean historical anomalies . . . what they used to call damned data: events that refuse to fit into the accepted scheme of things. Why are you interested in things like that?”
“I’m not, really,” I said confidentially. “But Amanda is, and I’m trying to make a good impression.”
When in doubt, muddy the waters. George loved the idea, and did everything short of wink at me roguishly.
“Of course, Jack. Let me see . . . We have a whole section on Cryptids: strange and unusual creatures that science and evolution can’t account for. Or there’s Timeslips: places where the past manifests so strongly you can walk around in it. But I think your best bet is going to be Superimpositions, where the way things were can still sometimes overwhelm our reality. The past, haunting the present.”
I looked at him accusingly. “You’ve been keeping a lot from me, George.”
“You needed to concentrate on what was in front of you,” said George. “And leave the big picture to the Department.”
“Because the big picture is far too important to be trusted to loose cannons,” said Miriam.
George and I took out time turning around. Miriam was standing right behind us.
“Moves quietly, doesn’t she?” I said to George.
“You have no idea.”
“Come with me, Jack,” said Miriam. “I’ll make sure you find everything you need.”
“I thought you didn’t approve of me?” I said.
“Which is why I want you out of this library as soon as possible.” She glanced back at Amanda. “But she stays where she is.”
Amanda smiled easily. “You two toddle off and have fun. I’m sure George and I can find lots to talk about.”
I thought George looked a bit worried about that, but Miriam was already marching forward into the stacks, so I hurried after her.
“Don’t go wandering off,” she said over her shoulder. “We have guard dogs patrolling the more sensitive areas. Well, I say dogs . . . More like big hairy things with attitude, that don’t get fed often enough.”
The stacks towered over us like great jungle trees, and the narrow passageways were full of shadows. I looked up, and found the out-leaning shelves had come together to form a long book-lined tunnel. As we moved deeper into the library I could feel the pressure of unseen watching eyes. I hoped it was only the books.
“So,” said Miriam, almost casually. “How well do you know Miss Fielding?”
“We’re just colleagues,” I said.
“She knows a lot of things she shouldn’t.”
“Lot of that going around at the moment.”
“Coming here was her idea, wasn’t it?” said Miriam.
“She raised some important questions that I couldn’t answer,” I said carefully. “It seemed likely I’d find the information here.”
“After she put the thought in your head.”
I nodded, conceding the point.
“You must know you can’t trust her,” said Miriam.
“I don’t trust anyone,” I said.
She favoured me with a quick smile. “Good attitude. Hang on to it. You’ll live longer.”
She came to a halt before one particular stack and gestured proudly at hundreds of books, all of which seemed to be staring back and daring me to come and have a go if I thought I was hard enough.
“This entire section is devoted to places and things that have no business existing in the modern world,” said Miriam. “The past is another country, and we’re at war with it. You do understand you can’t remove any of these books?”
“Of course,” I said.
“There are reading rooms, available for a very reasonable fee.”
I looked at her. “I have to pay to read these books?”
“State of the art security doesn’t come cheap,” she said. “And our budget’s under review again. It was either that, or a gift shop.”
I craned my head all the way back, and still couldn’t make out the furthest reaches of the bookshelves. I wouldn’t have been surprised to find them sprinkled with snow and hidden in clouds.
“What’s the plan?” I said. “Start at the bottom and work our way up?”
“Just climb the ladder and see where it takes you,” said Miriam. “The book you need is waiting for you.”
“How can you disbelieve in magic, when you’re surrounded by it?”
She shrugged. “Self-defence, mostly. You’d better let me take the lead. The books know me.”
She started up the ladder and I followed after her. I kept a careful eye on the books I passed, but none of them called out to me. Shelf after shelf fell away behind us, in a mountainside of cracked and faded volumes. I looked down once, and immediately wished I hadn’t. The shelves were leaning so far out I was actually hanging over an extremely long drop. I made myself concentrate on the books in front of me.
Miriam stopped suddenly, and I banged into her feet with my head. She didn’t apologise.
“Have you found something?” I said, just a bit pointedly.
“I think something has found us,” said Miriam.
“You shouldn’t have come here, Outsider!” said a harsh voice I knew only too well. “You were warned!”
I leaned cautiously back from the ladder so I could look past Miriam, and there was Mr. Slender, standing at right angles to us, as though the shelves were his floor. Not so much defying gravity as completely indifferent to it. He smiled unpleasantly, as though he was contemplating all the really horrid things he was going to do to me, and looking forward to it.
“How the hell did you get in here?” said Miriam.
“No one can keep us out,” said the Man In Black. “Now get out of my way or suffer the consequences.”
“Screw you, you over-stretched laboratory freak!”
Miriam drew her gun and opened fire. Mr. Slender swayed back and forth, effortlessly dodging the bullets, and then dropped on all fours and scuttled down the shelves towards us, his long limbs pumping like some huge black spider. Miriam kept firing until she ran out of ammunition, and then cursed flatly.
“Hug the ladder and keep your head down!” I yelled to her. “He doesn’t want you, only me!”
“Well, he can’t have you! You’re under my protection!”
“He’s a Man In Black. He doesn’t care about things like that.”
“Tell me you’ve got a plan.”
“Of course I have. It’s a really good one, with bells and whistles and everything.”
Miriam shook her head disgustedly, put away her gun, and wrapped both arms around the ladder. I thought quickly, trying to come up with some kind of plan. Men In Black were famously hard to kill, so . . . stick to what I do best. Treat Mr. Slender as an unexploded bomb, and work out the best way to make him harmless. If I couldn’t kill or hurt him, what did that leave?
Out-think him, of course. Men In Black were designed to be unstoppable, not smart.
“I thought we were partners!” I yelled.
“You thought wrong,” said Mr. Slender.
“Just as well; I never liked you.”
“That will make this even more amusing.”
“Oh, please,” I said. “I’m the Outsider, and you’re just a functionary in a shabby suit. You couldn’t take me on the best day you ever had and you know it.”
He crouched down, compressing his long limbs, and threw himself at me, clawed hands reaching for my throat, but I’d already activated my bone amulet. Mr. Slender sailed through the space where he thought I was and just kept on going. He screamed with rage as he plummeted toward the distant floor, grabbing desperately at bookshelves as he fell past them, but they seemed to suck themselves back in and out of his reach. He finally hit the floor really hard, and stopped screaming. Miriam leaned precariously out from the ladder for a better look.
“I didn’t know anything could kill a Man In Black,” she said finally. “I thought that was the point of them.”
I shut down my amulet. “Do you want to hang on to him, as a souvenir?”
“I suppose we could always have him stuffed and mounted, as a dreadful example.” Miriam looked at me. “You just saved my life. He would have killed me as well as you, to make sure I couldn’t tell anyone what he did here. George would have just found the two of us dead at the foot of the ladder, and assumed we’d fallen.”
“No one gets killed on my watch,” I said.
Miriam started to say something, and then stopped herself.
“We’d better go down and check he isn’t going to pull a Michael Myers on us.”
“Don’t be so impatient,” I said. “I didn’t climb all the way up the north face of this bookshelf just to go back down without finding something useful.”
And then I broke off, as something nudged my arm. One of the books was edging itself off the shelf. I reached out a hand, and the book jumped into my grasp. More than two-foot square, and thick enough to stun a rodeo bull if aimed between the eyes, the book was bound in a strange golden leather. The raised title said simply: Things That Shouldn’t Be. There was no author’s name. I could take a hint when it came looking for me, so I hugged the book to my chest with one arm and started back down. Miriam followed quickly after me.
George and Amanda were waiting at the foot of the ladder, contemplating Mr. Slender’s unmoving body. His long arms and legs were shattered, and his back was twisted so badly it had to be broken. One side of his bony head had been smashed in by the impact, the eyeball forced half out of its socket. And yet for all the Man In Black’s injuries, there wasn’t a spot of blood anywhere. George gave me one of his more in sorrow than in anger looks.
“Self defence,” I said. “He was sent here to kill me, along with any witnesses.”
“Rest assured I shall be having some very stern words with his masters,” said George.
“I want to know how he got in here,” said Miriam.
“It is starting to feel like an open day,” said George. “Why don’t you go and ask the guards some pointed questions?”
“Love to,” said Miriam.
She stalked off, back straight and chin up, and I just knew that being yelled at was in someone’s future.
“Why did the Man In Black want you dead, Jack?” said Amanda. She sounded more curious than concerned.
George looked at me sharply. “That’s an excellent question. What are you up to, Jack, that a Man In Black had to be tasked to stop you?”
I gave him my best innocent look, and he sighed.
“It doesn’t matter. No one threatens one of my people and gets away with it.”
“I thought the Men In Black answered to a higher authority?” I said.
George snorted, amused. “Who told you that? This was probably just a shot across the bows, to test the Department’s strength and resolve during the transition from me to Miriam. See if we could defend ourselves against a hostile takeover.”
“And you wonder why I don’t want to be part of your world,” I said. “I can handle unexploded bombs; it’s the politics that’ll kill you.”
I handed Amanda the book that chose me. She leafed quickly through it, nodded happily, casually tucked the oversized volume under one arm, and smiled dazzlingly at George.
“This has all been very pleasant, and we really mustn’t do it again. Time we were on our way, Jack.”
And then a series of loud cracking noises drew our attention to Mr. Slender’s broken body, as it put itself back together. The long arms and legs straightened themselves out, the broken back untwisted, and the crushed skull reformed itself. The protruding eyeball made a wet sucking sound as it was pulled back into its socket.
“They really are built to take punishment,” I said, for want of anything better to say.
“Stand back,” said George. “I’ll summon the guards.”
“We don’t need them,” I said.
George looked at me. “We don’t?”
“I can handle this,” I said. “But you and Amanda should probably disappear into the stacks for a while, just in case.”
“Run, from a Man In Black?” said Amanda. “I wouldn’t lower myself. Go ahead, Jack. Show the elongated window dummy who’s in charge.”
“Quite right, Jack,” said George. “I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do.”
I was already searching through my backpack, keeping a watchful eye on Mr. Slender as he lurched up onto his feet: a bag of bones in a black suit, driven by spite and revenge. He wasn’t smiling any more.
“You can’t stop me, Outsider. I was created to take down far more dangerous things than you.” His neck bones popped loudly as he turned his head to glare at George and Amanda. “Watch closely. What I’m about do to this troublemaker will make an excellent object lesson.”
“Nasty little man,” said Amanda, entirely unmoved.
“They’re not programmed for diplomacy,” said George.
Mr. Slender turned his back on them, so he could concentrate his glare on me. He flexed his long-fingered hands hungrily, and the heavy knuckles cracked like gunshots.
“Your amulet won’t save you this time, Outsider. I’ve adjusted my eyes to compensate for it.”
George produced a gun. I shook my head quickly.
“Miriam already tried that.”
“Her gun only fires bullets,” said George.
The Man In Black wagged a bony finger at him. “Interfere with my mission, and my masters will take it as an act of war.”
Give George his due, his aim never wavered. “I can live with that.”
“I appreciate the thought, George,” I said. “But I’ve got this.”
I took the witch knife out of my pack. Mr. Slender sneered at it.
“What are you going to do with that? Cut out a door so you can run away? There’s nowhere you can hide that I can’t find you.”
“Then come and get me,” I said. “You long miserable streak of piss.”
He surged forward, but I side-stepped at the last moment and swept my athame round in a vicious arc. The Man In Black stumbled on, caught off balance, and the witch knife sliced clean through his neck and out the other side. Because sometimes a knife is just a knife. Mr. Slender’s head fell away to bounce across the floor, and the body lurched to a halt, making small helpless gestures. I picked up the head and smiled into its furious eyes.
“I could cut off the top of your head, rip out your brain, throw it on the floor and stamp on it,” I said. “Or you could agree to return to your masters and tell them not to bother me again. Blink twice for Yes I’m a good boy and I’m going to do the sensible thing.”
There was a pause, and then the eyes blinked twice. I tossed the head back to its body, and the hands caught it awkwardly. The body tucked its head under one arm, because even Men In Black have a sense of tradition, and then walked off through the stacks with as much dignity as it could manage. I dropped the witch knife back into my pack, and nodded calmly to George and Amanda.
“You have to know how to talk to these people.”
Amanda clapped her hands loudly, grinning all over her face. George shook his head resignedly and put away his gun. I looked at him thoughtfully.
“How long have you been going armed in your own library, George?”
“Times change,” he said. “Thank you for dealing diplomatically with what could have been a very unfortunate situation.”
“Would you really have gone to war over me?”
“Of course,” said George. “No one gets the better of me in my own library.”
Miriam came striding back out of the stacks to join us. She was smiling, and not in a good way.
“I just passed the Man In Black. Love the new look.” She nodded briskly to me, her gaze entirely cool and businesslike. “I’ll take you to one of the reading rooms, Jack, but your little friend won’t be joining you.” She glared coldly at Amanda. “I had security run a check on you, and officially you don’t exist. So stay right where you are until the guards arrive to haul you off to a nice secure location, where I will find out everything there is to know about you.”
Amanda met Miriam’s gaze calmly. “Sorry, but I can’t hang around.”
Miriam’s gun was suddenly in her hand, aimed right between Amanda’s eyes.
“You’re not going anywhere,” Miriam said flatly. “I know a threat when I see one.”
“Bless you,” said Amanda.
Miriam wrinkled her nose, and then sneezed explosively. She tried to say something, but another sneeze interrupted her. She sneezed again and again, until she was bent right over by the force of the explosions. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and her gun waved all over the place. George shook his head sadly, and took the gun away from her.
“You’d better pop off now, Jack. Take the book, and your little friend, and feel free to bring either of them back any time. And remember, you owe me.”
“Oh, of course,” I said.
Amanda and I headed off into the stacks. Miriam’s sneezes continued to detonate behind us.
“She will stop sneezing, won’t she?” I said.
“Oh yes,” said Amanda. “Eventually.”
I shook my head. “Can’t take you anywhere.”
“You love it,” Amanda said cheerfully.