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CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

TECH SUPPORT


Build-A-Dragon Support Chat Transcript.

Operator: Li-Huei Chang.

Date: March 28th.


System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in five minutes.


System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in three minutes.


System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in one minute.


System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in five minutes.


Guest 14: You gotta be kidding me.


System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in two minutes.


System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in one minute.


Charles Smith (trainee): Hello and thank you for contacting the Build-A-Dragon company. May I have your name, please?

Guest 14: It’s Johnny.


Charles Smith (trainee): Johnny . . . 


Guest 14: McMann.


Charles Smith (trainee): Good afternoon, Mr. McMann. How can I help you today?


Guest 14: Got a problem with my dragon. It’s defective.


Charles Smith (trainee): I would be happy to help you with that. Do you have your order number?


Guest 14: Yeah. 474638.


Charles Smith (trainee): Just a moment.


Charles Smith (trainee): I see that you ordered one of our attack dragons, with an intelligence upgrade. In, oh my, hot pink?


Guest 14: Right.


Guest 14: Bought it for my wife.


Charles Smith (trainee): I see.


Guest 14: She never wants nothing. I figured, how ’bout a pink dragon?


Charles Smith (trainee): Well done, sir. I’m sure your wife was pleased.


Guest 14: We just got separated.


Charles Smith (trainee): Ah.


Guest 14: Told me I was “selfish.” Then she lit out while I was at work.


Charles Smith (trainee): I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. McMann.


Guest 14: Took the good TV, too. Who’s selfish now?


Charles Smith (trainee): Did you say there was a problem with the dragon, sir?


Guest 14: Yeah. It ate the cat.


Charles Smith (trainee): What kind of cat?


Guest 14: I don’t know. My wife’s cat.

Charles Smith (trainee): How did it get into the dragon’s cage?


Guest 14: Cage?


Charles Smith (trainee): All Build-A-Dragon orders for attack dragons ship with a reinforced metal cage.


Guest 14: Oh, that. We ain’t using it.


Charles Smith (trainee): May I ask why, sir?


Guest 14: Had to keep letting the dragon out and putting it back. Lot of work.


Charles Smith (trainee): If you read the dragon ownership manual, you’ll see that we recommend keeping the dragon in its cage. Particularly for this model.


Guest 14: Well, she’s real pissed about the cat.


Charles Smith (trainee): Did you discipline the dragon, afterward?


Guest 14: Damn right I did. Haven’t fed it since.


Charles Smith (trainee): That’s not quite the guideline we’ve laid out in the manual. May I ask how long ago this occurred?


Guest 14: ’Bout three days.


Charles Smith (trainee): To clarify, sir. You haven’t fed your dragon in three days?


Guest 14: Right.


Charles Smith (trainee): Sir, our dragons must be fed on a regular basis. It says so in the manual.


Guest 14: Never got around to reading that. It was, like, a lot of pages.


Charles Smith (trainee): Forty-two pages to be precise, sir. But that was important information.


Guest 14: Who cares? She don’t want the dragon anyway. I’ll send it back, and you guys can put it down or whatever.


Charles Smith (trainee): I understand, sir. Can I ask what the dragon is doing now?

Guest 14: He’s sleeping on the . . . oh. Guess he’s right here. God, they’re quiet when they want to be!


Charles Smith (trainee): I’m sure the cat would agree, sir.


Charles Smith (trainee): Did you say the dragon is right beside you?


Guest 14: Yeah.


Charles Smith (trainee): Mr. McMann, are we on a secure channel?


Guest 14: What do you mean?


Charles Smith (trainee): Can the dragon see your computer screen?


Guest 14: Guess it can. So what?


Charles Smith (trainee): It’s just that you ordered one with the intelligence upgrade, sir.


Guest 14: Well, I still want to return it.


Charles Smith (trainee): That’s not what I meant, sir. I’m concerned that the dragon might have followed our conversation.


Guest 14: What’s your point?


Charles Smith (trainee): My point, Mr. McMann, is that you have a fully grown attack dragon beside you. And it may have learned that you’re planning its demise.


Guest 14: Think I’m afraid of this little guy? Doubt he weighs a buck twenty-five.


Charles Smith (trainee): Our attack dragons are bred for killing. A single one can take down a mature lion.


Guest 14: Bull**** [off-color content suppressed]


Charles Smith (trainee): I’m quite serious, sir.


Guest 14: For real? Didn’t know that.


Charles Smith (trainee): Do you have the Build-A-Dragon sedation kit with you?


Guest 14: Yep. Got it right here.

Charles Smith (trainee): Open it up, if you would.


Guest 14: Okay. What is this, a pill?


Charles Smith (trainee): It’s a suppository.


Guest 14: What!?


Charles Smith (trainee): A suppository. You have to put it—


Guest 14: I know what a goddamn suppository is.


Charles Smith (trainee): Glad to hear it, sir.


Guest 14: But why would you do that?


Charles Smith (trainee): We’ve found it discourages returns.


Guest 14: No shit.


Charles Smith (trainee): Good one, sir.


Guest 14: That wasn’t what . . . never mind. I’ll give it a shot.


[Brief period of inactivity]


Guest 14: No dice.


Charles Smith (trainee): I’m sorry, sir?


Guest 14: Couldn’t do it. All I did was piss him off.


Charles Smith (trainee): Try holding him by the safety harness.


Guest 14: Huh?


Charles Smith (trainee): The safety harness, sir. It should give you a better grip on the dragon.


Guest 14: You mean the leather and chain thing?


Charles Smith (trainee): Exactly, sir.


Guest 14: Yeah . . . I don’t have that.


Charles Smith (trainee): I’m sorry?


Guest 14: My soon-to-be-ex-wife dropped off the dragon this morning. She didn’t give me the harness.

Charles Smith (trainee): Sir, are you saying that you have no way to restrain your dragon?


Guest 14: Nope.


Charles Smith (trainee): Uh . . . 


Guest 14: He’s kinda staring at me.


Charles Smith (trainee): I must advise you to vacate the area as quickly as possible.


Guest 14: He’s jlkkl,.,kllk/////////


Charles Smith (trainee): Mr. McMann?


Charles Smith (trainee): Sir?


[Brief period of inactivity]


Charles Smith (trainee): It sounds like we’ve resolved your issue. I’ll be closing the chat window now, sir.


Charles Smith (trainee): I’ve put in a request to have another copy of the manual sent to you. Thank you for choosing The Build-A-Dragon Company.



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