Journal Entry 27
12th of Green Passing, 1788 S.C.
Tlulanxu
Tomorrow I will at last be allowed to enter an epiphanium and become a follower of Amarseker. My many false starts may finally be made right and whole. I hope that once I am welcomed into a deity’s community that I will at last bask in its creedlands as I sleep, that I will be able to recall most of my dreams, and that I will discover why the ones I do recall have always been so disturbing. And perhaps I will learn if the reason I have been unable to recall my other dreams is somehow related to why I still cannot recall what happened the night I lost my parents, now five years past.
Although I am late come to the knowledge of Amarseker, the dreamguide says that will not be held against me. Amarseker is one of the least followed Helpers and his consecrants do not proselytize. In fact, the sacrist who is to be my dreamguide says it actually may be auspicious that I am late come to awareness of him and his creed. Amarseker is said to be a solemn god, and so, is quiet—until he has something of import to convey. So it may be with his accepting me as an epiphane.
It was easier to believe I would find the right creed when I began my search just after I turned eleven. Most of the other children were raised with the words of one or more creeds always in their ears. It gave them comfort, so they were ready when they became old enough for epiphanesis.
But my parents were not only gone but had never spoken of creeds or gods. Only the Being. Well, just “Being.” They did not use that word as if it referred to an entity, but more like a state of mind.
Still, it came as a surprise when the dreamguide at the first temple I approached—Adrah’s—sadly informed me that I had not been accepted as an epiphane, that the door to his deities’ creedland would not be opened for me. It was not unusual, he assured me, for a child’s first attempt to be frustrated: dreamguides have no power over whether we are made epiphanes or not. It is the deities themselves that discern whether their creed is right for any given supplicant.
But after being turned away six more times, it is hard to believe that this long wandering will ever come to an end. Every dreamguide I approached seemed to have heard of me, since no one in living memory has ever been refused entry to the epiphanium so many times. And I can see that makes them uneasy, upsets their orderly views of an orderly universe. I suspect some wonder if this is retribution for misdeeds of my unknown forebears.
And maybe they are right. Maybe it is evidence of a judgment against me or my kin. Maybe that is why I cannot recall what happened the night that I lost my parents. Maybe that is why my father remains where he is. Maybe my memories—and my father—will only be restored to me once a deity has accepted me into their creedland. It hardly seems possible that so many strange circumstances could all stem from separate causes.
But I shall not think of it further. Tomorrow, when I enter the epiphanium and am shown into the Creedlands of Amarseker, I can begin to seek the memories and answers of what happened to my parents as I slept through that fateful night. And just maybe, once in the creedlands, I will even see their smiles again, at long last.