THE THIRD WORLD WAR
Mike Resnick
Nobody saw it coming.
After all, why would they? We’re not talking about Russia here, or China. Think smaller. Much smaller.
Or, better still, let’s start at the beginning, which most historians agree was on June 20, 2031, when Bangladesh refused to allow a United States fighter jet the opportunity to land and refuel.
Then, on August 17, Cambodia uttered a strict warning to the effect that the United States was forbidden the use of its air space.
Ghana followed suit, and even little Burkina Faso got into the act, demanding that the United States close its embassy there.
“This is ridiculous!” said Secretary of State McTavish.
“I agree,” chimed in Secretary of Defense Willoughby. “It’s like walking barefoot over a series of anthills and being nibbled to death.”
President Cavin sighed deeply. “We’ll protest at the United Nations and elsewhere, but we’ll honor their requests, at least until we can find out what’s behind them.” He stared around the room at his assembled cabinet. “Find out what you can.”
Surprisingly, it didn’t take that long.
“Well?” said President Cavin when he had assembled his cabinet again six days later.
“It strains credulity,” said his secretary of state, “but there is a new coalition in the world.”
“A new power?” asked the President.
“I wouldn’t go that far,” was the answer.
“Well, who’s in it and what do they want?”
“Let me begin by assuring you that I am telling the truth, sir,” said the secretary. “That this is not a joke.”
“Go ahead.”
“The power—and I use the word advisedly—confronting us wishes to be known, formally, as the Twice-Named Coalition.”
“Twice-named?” repeated the President, frowning.
The secretary of state withdrew a paper from his vest pocket, unfolded it, and glanced at it.
“It seems to be a coalition of countries that have had their names changed in the past century or two.”
The President frowned. “Explain.”
“The member states are Burkina Faso, which was Upper Volta; Botswana, which was Bechuanaland; Cambodia, which was Kampuchea; Ghana, which was the Gold Coast; Malawi, which was Nyasaland; Zimbabwe, which was Southern Rhodesia; Zambia, which was Northern Rhodesia; Bangladesh, which was East Pakistan; Benin, which was Dahomey; Ethiopia, which was Abyssinia; Sri Lanka, which was Ceylon; and Iraq, which was Mesopotamia.”
“What the hell do these countries have in common, besides the name changes?” asked the President.
“They’re all as poor as church mice,” replied the secretary of the treasury. “Not a day goes by in which two or three of them aren’t begging for money, which of course they have no intention of ever paying back.”
“So they’re threatening war if we don’t finance them?”
“It seems like that, sir,” answered the secretary of defense.
“Okay,” said the President with a deep sigh. “What’ll it take to win a war?”
“I’ll need some time at the computer,” answered the secretary of the treasury.
“Go,” said the President. “This meeting is suspended until you come back with some figures.”
It took just under forty-one hours.
“I have the numbers, sir,” said the secretary of the treasury.
“Well?”
“If we go to war, I think we could conquer every member of the coalition for just under eight billion dollars—and that’s assuming they put up a fight, which I am not at all convinced they would.”
“Okay,” said the President. “Let’s get on to the operative question. We agree to go to war. We conquer all of them in three or four calendar months, which seems rather lengthy, but we’ll use it for the sake of argument. Now, once we’re in control, how much is it going to cost us to maintain this new—and obviously impoverished—empire?”
“I anticipated your question, sir, and have already conferred with state and defense on it.”
“And?” said the President.
“Approximately four trillion dollars a year, sir.”
“And as things stand now, what are we spending with no war and no dependent states?”
“One point two trillion a year.”
“Interesting,” said the President.
“So have we an answer to the Twice-Named Coalition?”
“We do,” said the President. Suddenly he smiled. “And I don’t think they’re going to like it.”
On November 2, 2031, the United States of America surrendered and acknowledged defeat at the hands of the Twice-Named Coalition.
The history books still refer to it as World War 2.001.