CHAPTER 3
YOU’VE GOT
MAIL
Dad and I arrived home at the same time.
‘JINX!’ yelled Dad. DAMMIT! Now if I spoke before someone said my name he could punch my shoulder.
‘Mum OW!’ I said. Dad had punched my shoulder. Yep, I forget stuff pretty quickly! Dad, unfortunately and especially when it comes to jinxes, doesn’t. Mum went all serious.
‘Marcus, Jamie …’
‘HAHA!’ I laughed, pulling a face at Dad.
Dad groaned. Mum tapped her foot. Like I said, she doesn’t get mad much, but when she does it looks like steam’s about to come out of her ears. I wondered if we could wait her out but she got in first.
‘Wouldn’t you like to know why I called you in?’ she asked.
‘We got an old sewing machine to fix up?’ Dad said.
‘Aliens have invaded and they want to take me to their leader to represent the earth in an intergalactic mini-golf tournament?’ I asked.
‘Burp?’ burped Katie.
We cheered. Katie’s been practising her burping, and that was a good one. Mum sighed and showed us an envelope.
‘We got a letter,’ she said. Dad and I ooooooohed and aaaaaaahed. Katie ate a bug.
Dad and I oooooohed and aaaaaahed some more and bowed to the envelope like we’d never seen a letter before.
We had.
Lots of them, usually about electricity and stuff, and always in lots of pretty colours like red and yellow.
Mum showed us the back of the envelope.
We oooohed and aaaaahed and then oooohed and aaaaahed even louder. Then we stopped, and Dad spoke for both of us.
‘Who’s B. Von Bubblebutt?’
Hahaha. Dad always gets names wrong. Mum rolled her eyes.
‘Barnaby Von Barnabus. His name used to be Barney Brown. Even though he isn’t a lot older than me, he’s actually my great-great-uncle twice removed, and I was his favourite great-great-niece twice removed. He used to babysit me. He did magic too, Jamie, card tricks and all. He was fantastic.’
‘Well then, we have something in common, this Booboo Bonbon guy and me,’ Dad said.
Mum looked at him. I looked at him. Dad sucks at magic.
‘Of course you do, dear,’ Mum said nicely. ‘Anyway, moving on, Barnaby was such a great guy, and then he invented something that changed everybody’s lives … the hand pillow!’
Now we really did oooooh and aaaaaaah. The 
is like the greatest invention EVER!!!
So. You know how when you’re half sitting or half lying and you’re sort of leaning on your elbow and resting your chin in your hand? Awesomely comfy, right? Right … until your hand gets pins and needles and your arm goes numb and your wrist feels like it’s locked in that position FOREVER!
Well, with a , you never get sore. You just relax into it and your arms are free and there are no pins and needles and it’s JUST THE BEST!
Now it turned out someone in my family had invented it! AWESOME!!!
‘The thing is,’ Mum said. ‘After he invented it he got really rich, and things went kind of weird. He changed his name and he disappeared. Gone, in a puff of smoke.’
‘Just like one of my magic tricks,’ Dad said.
‘No, Dad,’ I said. ‘He’s actually gone.’
‘He didn’t even say goodbye to me,’ Mum said. She looked really sad, but then she remembered the letter. She smiled and waved it in the air.
‘Open it!’ Dad yelled.
‘Open it!’ I yelled.
‘Burp!’ Katie burped.
My mind was racing. What was in the envelope?
TOP FIVE GUESSES
1. Blueprints for a new invention.
2. A cheque for a whole truckload of cash.
3. A mini for a mouse.
4. A spy bug from the North Western shores of the Amazon.
5. A blank sheet of paper … okay, that would suck and I don’t know why it popped into my head, but it did!
Mum moved in slow motion.
I was going crazy!
Finally, it was open.
Mum pulled out what was inside.
It wasn’t a mini for a mouse.
It wasn’t a blank sheet of paper.
It was a letter.
We all held our breath as we read it.
Dear Tracey, Marcus, Jamie, and the baby whose name I don’t know.
Firstly, Tracey, I must apologise for the way I left. You are my favourite great-great-niece twice removed, and I wanted to say goodbye, but no one, not even you, could know where I was going.
People changed. Our family became money-grabbing vultures who would have stepped over their own grandmother to get their hands on my Hand Pillow™ money.
They don’t realise, money can’t buy happiness … JUST KIDDING! Of course it can, if you are wise, and that is why I’m writing!
The time has come for me to re-enter your life, although sadly we cannot meet again just yet. You were always going to inherit my money, but as I plan on living a good while longer, I want to give a portion of it to you now.
I want you to be able to enjoy it.
The cheque in this envelope is for a billion, trillion dollars! Not quite, but it does have a LOT of zeroes. Spend it wisely, and choose who you tell about it wisely (by that, I mean don’t tell anyone, the money-grabbing vultures!).
Oh, and you should move from the Hovel. I have purchased and furnished a house for you in Snootyville, and enrolled Jamie in Snootyville Grammar. It’s a nice little house, and the address and security codes are on the back of this letter.
Yours,
Barnaby Von Barnabus
Everyone breathed out except for me.
I breathed in and copped all their smelly breath at once, which almost knocked me out. We couldn’t afford a lot of toothpaste.
Mum looked in the envelope and pulled out the cheque. It WAS a lot of zeroes. It didn’t look exactly like this, but it was close!
We all read the letter again. Snootyville. I’d never even heard of it, but it sure sounded, well, kind of snooty. Snootyville Grammar did too, certainly way snootier than good old Hovel Central, the school I went to now.
But this was it. I’d seen the light, and now this was my chance, our chance, to live a new life, a better life than Mum and Dad had now.
Dad was dead against it though.
‘I don’t know. Money can bring a lot of trouble.’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Trouble like a mansion!’
‘True, but can it really buy happiness?’
‘Maybe not, but it can buy you a foot massager.’
Dad rubbed his chin.
‘Hmmm, that would make me happy,’ he said.
Mum joined in.
‘We can’t rush this, Jamie. We’ll be like fish out of water in Snootyville.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘A fish out of water would be like this …’
‘Even if we don’t use the money now, it will be there when we need it,’ Mum said.
I couldn’t be argued against though.
‘Or,’ I said quickly, ‘we could all fall down a Hovel Street pothole tomorrow and never be seen again! Soooooo, maybe we can move to the house my favourite Uncle Barney bought us. You know, the one with the pool and the games room and the personal mini-golf course and the carpet softer than a thousand clouds of marshmallows?’
Dad’s eyes widened.
‘A huuuuge shed,’ I said, ‘with every tool you need and brand new shiny parts!’
Mum was getting excited now, too.
‘A HUUUUGE kitchen, and a massive pantry for all the food we can get!’
‘YAAAAAAAAAAY!’cheered Mum and Dad.
‘Buuuurp!’ burped Katie.
‘YAAAAAAAAAAAY!’ we all cheered. Her burps were getting better. She’d be talking soon.
‘Hang on a minute,’ Dad said. ‘How do you know the house has all that stuff?’
‘I don’t,’ I said. ‘But there’s only one way to find out. Huh? HUH? We have to move there!’
We all cheered again and Katie burped and it was official. The Browns were moving uptown!
