Chapter Six
Many days passed before Dassine and I had the time to sort out what had happened at the meeting with the Preceptors. My journeys of memory were increasingly troubling, leaving me no mind to spare for current politics.
Dassine’s sessions took me through the time when our Leiran overlords discovered that sorcerers lived in Avonar—the Avonar of the mundane world, the Vallorean city where I was born. By virtue of my position at the University in Yurevan, I had escaped the subsequent massacre. But the horrific events forced me to abandon my studies and go into hiding. I told my few mundane friends that I had tired of academe and was off to seek my fortune in the wider world.
But rather than traveling in the spheres my colleagues might have expected, I had melted into the poorest of the masses haunting the great cities of the Four Realms, taking almost any kind of job that would feed me. I tried to abandon magic as well. To attempt any magic was a dreadful risk, yet restraint was impossible. I was a Healer and when I encountered the ill or wounded, I could not look away. So I stayed nowhere long, wandering into the farthest reaches of Leire, Valleor, Kerotea, and Iskeran, and even into the strange wild lands beyond. It had been a fearful time, and when I returned to Dassine’s candlelit lectorium after those sessions, I could not shake the ever-present foreboding that had defined those years.
To make things worse, the meeting with the Preceptors had left Dassine irritable. His lectorium looked as if it had been ransacked by looters, and he chastised me endlessly for the slightest show of weakness. We had never conversed much, but our silence had always been deep and comfortable.
To define my relationship with Dassine was impossible. He never asked what I experienced in my journeys, though he always seemed to know whether they had been interesting, happy, or especially difficult. I wondered whether he could somehow share the experience as I relived my lives. Or perhaps he knew everything already.
For my part, I could predict the old sorcerer’s actions with phenomenal accuracy, from the way he closed a book or the moment he picked to rub his game leg when the weather was damp, to the very words he would use to wake me. His moods colored my days. The vague impressions I had of him from my memories of D’Natheil’s childhood did not explain our familiarity.
Exeget’s assertion that I had lived with Dassine for ten years intrigued me. Dassine had told me that my first failed attempt to walk D’Arnath’s Bridge when I was twelve had left me incapable of analytical thought or human sympathy. If that were true, and it was only after that incident that I lived with Dassine, then why did I feel such close kinship with him? Had I known him in my other life as well?
I had long sworn not to damn myself to madness by fretting about those questions, and now I had to add the Preceptors’ accusations to my list of nagging mysteries. But the days passed, and Dassine continued to slam our plates of soup and bread on his table, kick the well-fed cats that wandered into the study, and throw his candlesticks into a heap instead of packing them away carefully when we were done.
“Get up. The world won’t wait on you forever.”
I slid my toes out from under the blanket, trying to keep my eyes closed and my head on the pillow for as long as possible. But just as one foot touched the stone floor, a hand whisked the blankets off, exposing my bare flesh to the cool air, and yanked the pillow out from under my head, letting my head flop most uncomfortably. The stars outside my window told me it was sometime in the midnight hours. I had to find out what was bothering Dassine.
I fumbled for my robe and trudged into the lectorium. “Dassine, we need—”
“Prepare yourself.” He mumbled and swore under his breath as he placed the candlesticks in the circle.
“Dassine, I’m sorry if I disappointed you with the Preceptors. Was it my offer to let them examine me? I could see no other way to put them off.”
“You had no need to put them off.” Had he been a bear from the frozen northlands of Leire, he could not have growled so expertly. From a lacquered box, he selected a new candle as thick as my wrist and ground it into one of the tall candlesticks.
“How else could I answer their charges? I’d no idea what they were talking about.”
“I told you they had no right to question you. You should have listened to me. Trusted me.” The last two words burst out of him as if unbidden, laden with bitterness.
“Is that what all this is about? Gods, Dassine, I’ve trusted you with my life, my sanity, with the future of two worlds, if what you tell me is true. I do everything you wish, though it makes no sense, and I accept it when you tell me that it will all fit together someday. I’ve met no one in either of my lives that I would trust in such a fashion. No one. Not my parents or my brothers or any friend. I can’t even explain why, except that I seem to be incapable of doubting you. But despite such irrational obedience, I cannot demand the same from others. I will not, cannot, rule that way. You must know that as you know everything else about me. How can you ask it?”
He scowled and stopped his fussing, sagging into a chair by his junk-laden worktable. He drummed his wide fingers on the table for a bit, then said vehemently, “Then you should have kept silent.”
“Perhaps you should have told me more.”
“I refuse to distort your past by interpreting it for you. You must become yourself again, not a version of yourself crafted by Dassine.”
He hammered one finger on the table repeatedly to emphasize his point. “Believe me when I say it is not easy to withhold the answers you seek. I have quite healthy opinions about many things, and it would gratify me if you came to share them. I believe you will, but I will not plant them in you.”
“Then you can’t be angry when I do what I think is right, even if you don’t agree.”
“Pssh.” He averted his eyes.
I pressed the slight advantage. “If I accept that I am truly D’Natheil, as you’ve sworn to me, then what harm is there in an examination? Even Exeget, as much as I detest him, would not go so far as to distort the findings of an examination by the Preceptors. They’ll learn that I am who you say I am, and they’ll decide whether or not my mind is whole enough to lead them. It might do me good to have that reassurance.”
Dassine pushed a pile of books from his table onto the floor and reached into a battered cabinet behind him, pulling out a green flask. He thumped it on the table and rummaged in a pile of water-stained manuscripts, dirty plates, ink pots, sonquey tiles, and candle stubs to come up with a pewter mug. When he uncorked the flask, the woody scent of old brandy made my mouth water. He poured a dollop into his mug, but as usual, offered me none.
I must have looked disappointed. “You need all your faculties,” and slammed the cork back into the flask. “If you think you’ve deferred our work by this yammering, you’re wrong. When we’ve made a little more progress and are closer to the end of all this”—he waved the mug at the circle of candles that had started to burn of their own accord—“I’ll explain the realities of life to you, a little more about your friends of the Preceptorate, and why it would behoove you to stay as far away from them as possible.”
“One of them, Y’Dan,’ I said, “mumbled at me about conspiracies and murder. I didn’t understand it.”
“You have no concept of the twistings and turnings of deception. Just today I’ve discovered that I am not the master at such that I believed. But for now”—he slammed the empty mug on the table and shoved the flask back into the cabinet—“we have work to do.”
I berated myself for wasting my limited strength in hopes I might change Dassine’s mind about anything. But as he hobbled around behind me to finish his preparations, he used my shoulder for a handhold. His solid grip hinted it hadn’t been entirely a waste.
He took my robe and motioned me into the circle. I took up my position seated on the cool stone. As he began his chanting, I would have sworn he was grinning at me, though it was impossible to see through the ring of fire.
That night I journeyed back to the university city of Yurevan. My three years’ wandering had brought me full circle. This time I studied archaeology, the passion I had discovered in those years. I lived just outside the university town with Ferrante, a professor and friend who was the only mundane person—the only living person—who knew the secret of my magical heritage. Just at the end of the session, Ferrante introduced me to a friend of his, a fascinating man of far-reaching intellect, deep perceptions, and irresistible charm. His name was Martin, Earl of Gault, a Leiran noble, but far different from the common run of his warlike people.
When I returned from that fragment of time I had lived again, I found myself enveloped in overwhelming and inexplicable sorrow. Such things as Preceptorate politics seemed as remote as the fading stars. Dassine did not have to send me to bed as was the usual case, for on that morning I wanted nothing more than to lose myself in unthinking oblivion.
Not long after this—in terms of my remembered life, six or seven months, so perhaps a week of current time—Dassine said he had an important mission that would take him across the Bridge into the mundane world. He offered to take me with him, allowing me to visit an old friend while he was occupied. I was delighted at the prospect of any change, but made the mistake of asking Dassine if the lady was someone I knew. He tried to avoid the question and then to lie about it, but my mind was not so dulled as to mistake the answer.
“Yes, yes. All right,” he grumbled. “She knows of you. Has met you. Yes.” In his infuriating way, he would say no more.
The lady was not what I expected any woman friend of Dassine’s to be. Not just intelligent, but witty and overflowing with life. Beautiful—not solely in the way of those on whom my young man’s eyes had lingered, though she was indeed fair. Every word she spoke was reflected in some variance of her expression—a teasing tilt of her lips, a spark of mischief in her eye, the soft crease of years and grieving on her brow. I tried to draw more words from her, just to observe the animation of her face, the richness of a spirit that opened itself to the world in so genuine and generous a fashion.
She had been no casual choice, no acquaintance who just happened to be available to converse with me while Dassine went about his business. I knew things about her with a surety I could not apply to myself, and felt as if I teetered on the verge of knowing more. But when I reached for memory, I found myself once again at the precipice. The universe split apart as had become its disconcerting habit—on one fragment stood the lady, on another the lambina tree, Dassine on yet another. Between each fragment yawned the terrifying darkness.
Pain and dread overwhelmed me, and I could not even bid the lady farewell.
When next Dassine hauled me from my bed to begin my ordeal once more, I begged him return something of the woman, Seriana—Seri she called herself. She was so substantial, so real. If I knew something of her place in my history, then I might be able to veer away from the precipice when next the terror came on me. My jailer did not scoff or ridicule me as he often did when I pleaded for some variance in his discipline. He only shook his head and said, “Soon, my son. Soon you will know it all.”