City of Augsburg
December, 1635
"Husband?"
H.A., Horatio Alger, Burston knew his trophy wife wanted something. That was the only time she tried to sweet-talk him, and she knew 'husband' was a sweet word in his ear.
"Yes, Dear?"
"I've been thinking."
"I hope it didn't hurt."
"Horatio, you are such a tease. I think we need to get a family portrait done for the entry hall."
"If you wish, Dear, I don't mind at all. But it must be the very best."
"There is a painter in town, and he is quite good."
"Where's he from?"
"Berlin."
"Forget it. The only painter I know of from Berlin was a short little jerk with a postage stamp mustache and delusions of grandeur, and he was a lousy painter. I said it must be the best, and I meant it. The best painters are Dutch, although Italians are almost as good. Get us a Dutch or an Italian painter."
"Wherever would I find one?"
"Holland or Italy, I guess."
"How would I do that?"
"You want a painting? It's fine with me. But this is your project. I found us an Irish nanny."
"Horatio Alger Burston, you are the most infuriating man alive."
"That may be, but if you want me to sit for a painting, it will be with an Italian or a Dutchman. If you want to sit for this Berliner with the children be my guest."
"But Mister Burston, he has specifically asked if he could paint us getting out of the automobile in front of your office downtown. He says it is a very popular sitting from Grantville."
Al replied, "He wants to paint an advertisement. That's different—that is not fine art but commercial art. You may tell him yes. And you will need a new dress for the painting and a canvas car coat and hat. Have your dressmaker see me for a sketch and description. I'll order you a set of goggles made and doggles for the dog."
"My lord and husband, what are doggles?"
"Motorcycle goggles for a dog. They're really cute. And have a set of livery made up for that boy who is sleeping in the barn. He can ride shotgun and serve as a footman and apprentice to the chauffeur."
"There is a boy sleeping in the barn?"
"And eating meals in the kitchen,"
"But, I was not consulted about a stable boy." Kate's eyebrows pinched a wrinkle between them over her nose. This did not bode well for the staff.
"Neither was I; I don't think the chief butler knew about it until after he was a regular fixture. When he comes in for breakfast, he brings the eggs and milk, and then he mucks out the cow's stall and sweeps the barn and wipes down the auto for the chauffeur. If he's staying, he will need new clothes lest he embarrass us."
"Why should we clothe some ragamuffin who is sleeping in our barn without permission?"
"He'll need to look sharp when I start using him to run messages, I'll have a bicycle made up so he can get around town, I'll need him once we install a radio transceiver at the office for out of town messages. And tell the cook that he must work with the children's tutor to learn to read and write and do math."
"What does a stable boy need with an education? It will only make him discontent with his lot in life."
"If he can't read and write how can I ever make him a clerk at the office so he can get ahead."
"That is silly, Mister Burston; If you want a clerk, you hire someone from the Latin school."
"Then what do we do with the stable boy when he wants to marry?"
"That will be his problem, not ours,"
"Nope, Kate, he's living under one of my roofs, so he's my responsibility."
"Horatio. Alger. Burston. You have a head full of strange Ideas. And I have repeatedly asked you not to call me Kate. Kate is a maid or a cook. I am the wife of an important businessman."
"Oh? Thanks for telling me. I thought I was just an uppity redneck who got lucky."
"Horatio, your neck is not red, What does that phrase mean? You've used it before. What is a redneck?"
"A raggedy-assed raggamuffin. If I'd been born in this century, I could have been that boy."
****
It wasn't until spring that the details were worked out. So on a sunny yet brisk day, the steamer was parked in front of the window reading H. A. Burston, Importer, Exporter. The painter from Berlin was standing in the street, sketching the scene of the family debarking from the open-topped car. H.A. sat in the seat facing back with a boy on either side of him, His wife was stepping out of the door being held open by the young footman. She was carrying a little girl in her arms. George Haussmann, Burston's main competitor, was passing by and stopped to chat with H.A.
"That horseless carriage will make a lovely portrait, and you don't have to worry about the horses standing still."
"The engine is rated at nearly a hundred horsepower, and not one of them is moving or has to be fed." H.A. replied.
"A hundred horsepower? Are you claiming that this toy can pull as much as a hundred horses? Sir, I would be surprised if it could keep up with a coach and six as far as Donauwörth. All it is good for is being seen as you putter around town. A sensible man would get a one-horse hack and quit showing off. You're getting more use out of it right now than you ever will."
"On a good road up-time, it could be in Donauwörth in half an hour," H. A. said,
"I've seen an airplane, Sir; this is not one. Get yourself a horse if you're in a hurry to get to Donauwörth. A coach should take at least two or three hours to get to Donauwörth, and that would be pushing the horses. This thing would probably break down if you took it out of town."
"I can give you a fifteen-minute head start and still be in Donauwörth before your coach and six."
Haussmann laughed uproariously. "Another one of you up-timers' 'outrageous brags.' "
H.A. stood up in the car and looked down at the loud-mouthed local. "Put your money where your mouth is."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Put up or shut up!"
"Are you suggesting that you will race this toy against a coach and six to Donauwörth?"
"Yes,"
"How much are you betting? Five pfennigs?
"How much do you want to lose?" H.A. stared down his nose at the plump flamboyant loudmouth.
"Sir, I do not want to take your money."
"Two to one odds in your favor. Take the bet, you overdressed jackass."
"I don't have a coach. "
"Rent the best team in town. My steamer will still leave you in the dust. Be a man—make the bet for how much you can afford to lose. I"ll match it two to one."
"Mister Burston, if I have offended I apologize."
"Not only do you have the brains of an ass, but you also have the courage of a chicken and the face of a pig."
Haussmann's mouth worked like a fish out of water, while his face turned so red it looked ready to pop.
"If you are willing to race, have your seconds talk to James, my chauffeur. Now please move along. I don't want you in my family portrait."
His wife turned to him and said, "How could you say such a thing to such a fine upstanding member of the community,"
"Mrs. Burston," H.A. said quietly, "shut the—" He paused and swallowed before he said it. "Just shut up. The man was insulting. We rednecks do not take kindly to being insulted."
Then he spoke to the driver, "Home, James." And they left the painter standing in the street.
But he did get Haussmann in the sketch, and thus was born a set of three works, Johann Gross' most famous paintings: A Bet Is Made, A Race Is Run, and Home Is the Victor.
James, the family's chauffeur, was waiting for his boss when the family's dinner was finished that evening. "Mr. Burston?"
"Yes, James?"
"I've talked to Haussmann's people, and we've worked out the details for a race."
"If you've worked out the details, why are you bothering me?"
"Because they insist that the wager must be held by a third party who has no interest in the outcome."
"Fine."
"You've got to match it two to one. And Haussmann named an outrageous stake hoping you'd drop out. It is agreed that the whole thing is void if the money is not in the hands of the livery manager before the race starts."
When James told him how much, H.A. whistled. "I'll have to borrow against the house to raise that amount."
Katherina overheard and screamed, "Don't you dare!"
"Katherina, shut the f-" He stopped himself mid-word and then finished. "Just shut up."
"They really are hoping you will drop the whole thing," James said.
"Not on your life," H.A. said.
James winced. He was the one who would be driving. Around town at slow speeds he was confident but making the fifty-mile trip at high speed would stress the machine, and that could indeed prove deadly.
"What's the matter?"
"I'm a little unsure is all."
"Well, then I'll drive the race." H.A. said.
"No, Sir, it's my place."
"Well, I'll ride shotgun."
"That's the boy's place, if you please, Sir. If you ride it will be in the back seat, where you belong."
"You're getting rather uppity, aren't you?" H.A. asked softly.
James read the overtones correctly. But at the moment he didn't care if he lost his job. That would be better than losing his life. "Yes, Sir, but your lady wife hired me to drive you because you driving yourself was not fitting in her opinion. The race is a week from this Saturday."
"Why Saturday? And why two weeks?" H.A. asked. He was accustomed to sleeping in on Saturday.
James answered, "So Haussmann can rent the six fastest horses in town and accustom them to working together with a hired driver. And, because it is rumored that you are Jewish since it is known that Jews eat at your table and no one ever sees you until late on Saturday. Many Jews will not eat with a Christian, and some people think you go to prayers Saturday mornings, so they are really hoping you will call it off. Will you call it off? I promised I would ask, and that I would remind you that he did apologize."
"Not just no, but hell no. Don't everyone see me go to church on Sunday with my wife and kids?"
"That's because she insists, and the whole town heard that there was some problem when it came time to baptize the children."
"Yes. I'm not Lutheran nor Catholic, and a person should have some say in whether or not they're baptized. That is an agreement you make with God not something someone else can make for you."
"And that is why they have confirmation," Katherina added her commentary from the background.
"Well, we need to be at the livery stable at the west end of town, on the road to Donauwörth, two Saturdays from now at dawn with the money in hand—in hard coin and not a note or you can call it off and call it even."
H.A. put a hand over the back of his neck and said, "No way. We are going to win this hands down or die trying."
"Yes, Sir, that is what I'm afraid of. The man who delivered the steam carriage cautioned that if it were misused the boiler could blow up."
"Look, James. Either Haussmann or I will be chewing on his foot for the next year. And I don't have any taste for that. Tell them the race is on."
H.A. turned to his wife whose arms were crossed and whose foot was tapping and whose face was several shades darker than when she was happy. "If you wish to go shopping in Donauwörth, you are welcome to ride along. Would you like a new outfit? We can afford it with what we are going to win."
"You are betting the house!"
"No, I'm just taking out a mortgage to raise some short-term capital."
"If you lose, we're on the street."
"No. I would just have to pay the mortgage off—which I can do."
"And if James is right and you get yourselves killed, who will then pay off the mortgage and where will I raise your children?"
"My love, it is perfectly safe. Or I wouldn't allow you to ride along." Katherina started to respond. "No, the subject is closed we are going to Donauwörth on Saturday next."
Katherina did respond anyway. "Just like that song Casey Jones that you taught to the nanny to teach to the children. Perfectly safe? Or that rhyme you taught the boys, in which the goose and the monkey both die.
"Perfectly safe?" she demanded.
H.A. blushed and stalked off.
****
Saturday, April 12, 1636
Augsburg
The Berlin artist sketched the sun as it rose over the livery stable. In the road stood a light coach and six unmatched horses. Each animal was the fastest to be had. The Burston family's steamer glowed in the early morning light from a double coating of wax, and the tin work was almost as shiny as chrome, the driver and the apprentice were dressed in canvas dusters and puffy hats with black bills and goggles. Between them sat a Dalmatian with goggles made especially for her. H.A. had her shipped in from Croatia just to be in the painting, and now you would not see the car without the dog.
The couple riding in the backseat also wore dusters, Katherina sported a broad-brimmed hat held in place by a sky blue silk scarf turning the brim down on each side. She had a set of goggles setting over the brim of the hat. They all looked like something out of a book on the history of automobiles. right down to a hump-backed trunk sitting just in front of the rear bumper. A cask of water and one of fuel were tied on top of the chest. They pulled up alongside the coach, and H.A. called out, "Leave whenever you're ready. We will start a half-hour after that."
"Mister Burston," the livery manager said, "I need to count the wager first before the race starts, and I have been instructed to ask if you are absolutely sure you don't want to call this off?"
"Not on your life," H.A. said. He handed the man a bag of money, which the man took inside to count. When he came back out, he waved to the coachman. The driver took off at a dangerously fast pace, followed by Haussmann on a horse, and they were soon out of sight.
H.A. tapped the boy riding shotgun on the shoulder. "Young man, pour the missus and me a cup of tea out of the thermos while we're waiting."
Tommy set the coach gun aside and proceeded to serve the tea in delicate porcelain cups along with some small pastries that H.A. had the cook make just for the occasion.
By and by, the liveryman said, "Sir, it's time."
"But I haven't finished my second cup of tea, We're not in any hurry." When the cups had been dried and returned to the hamper, only then did H.A. say, "James, take us to Donauwörth."
The four iron-rimmed wheels left tracks indistinguishable from a coach except for the lack of hoof prints. The liveryman and the gathered crowd noted that the steamer was making as good a time as the coach. Amongst the mumbles the liveryman was heard to say, "If that thing doesn't break down, it will be the end of my business."
In a bit, Katherina said, "Around town, the ride isn't this rough."
"Around town, you have better roads." H.A. replied.
James called back, "Around town I've never had it out of second gear. We're running in third gear."
"Husband, is that safe?"
"My Dear, the frame, transmission, and rear end came out of a Dodge Ram. That's an up-time truck. James, you can slow down a little. We will still finish first. There is no need to overtax the boiler."
"Mr. Burston, the pressure isn't any higher than we run in town. The speed is from the gear we're running in." But still the driver cut back a bit.
As they rounded a sharpish turn in the road, they sighted the coach. As they passed, the coachman waved. Haussmann, setting in the saddle, shook his fist and yelled at the coachman for more speed.
In short order, James had to look in the mirror to see the adversary. At the next turn, he couldn't see the coach at all.
"Well, my Dear, that seems to be that. The race is in the bag."
As soon as he bragged to his wife about his good fortune, fate struck. Steam started leaking out of the vents in the bonnet over the engine.
James looked back at his employer.
"Pull over!" H.A. yelled.
With the apprentice leaning over his shoulder and H.A. standing nearby, James lifted the panel on the side of the bonnet. The safety valve was hissing like a tea kettle.
"What's the matter?" Katherine called from the back seat.
"It's the first time we've run it for this long non-stop, and the safety valve closed, Let it cool down, and we'll go on. Well, Boy, dig the lunch out of the hamper. We might as well eat as we wait."
The four of them sat eating cold chicken and potato salad on a picnic blanket on the grass beside the road. The coachman waved as he passed in a cloud of dust. Haussmann on his horse stopped. Looking at the open bonnet, he said, "If you are still here when we return we'll give you a ride home, and you can borrow the team to come back for the toy." As he rode on, he was laughing so hard he had to lean forward and hold his tummy, and he almost fell off his horse.
Katherine turned to her husband, "I can't stand the idea of losing to that—that—that MAN! Isn't there is something you can do?"
"We can tie the safety valve open."
"Is that safe? Is it a safety device?"
"Long term, no. But you can get away with it in an emergency. You just have to watch the pressure gauge closely and keep the water topped off."
"Well, after all, the house mortgage is at stake. I think that qualifies as an emergency, doesn't it?" Kate asked.
"I told you not to worry about the mortgage; I can handle it."
"But that's a lot of money," Katherina said. "It's too much to lose."
"Katherina, my love, That is the first time you have ever said something was too much."
"That man insulted you."
"You mean he ticked you off."
"Well, that, too," Kate said.
"Let's tie the valve open. Just keep a close eye on the pressure gauge."
"But, Sir, if the boiler blows it could kill us all," James objected.
"I'll drive, and you can walk home if you wish."
"No. That's my job. I will drive."
The boy was gathering up the blanket, and Katherine said, "Leave it. We can pick it up on the way back if it's still here,"
Shortly they were on their way.
When the coach came into view, it put on a burst of speed and disappeared around a bend.
Just around the bend, they found the coach off the road in the ditch with a broken wheel.
"Pull up, James."
The coachman was currying down the horses.
"Anybody hurt?" H.A. asked.
"Nein, the horses are all fine,"
"Do you need anything?
"Nein, Mister Haussmann has ridden into the village to get a wheelwright."
"Okay, then head on, James—and slow down. We don't have to bounce around anymore."
When Haussmann saw the car coming down the road, he left the wheelwright to go on alone, and he hightailed it towards Donauwörth.
The excitement of the day came when they were in a stretch between villages, which came as close to a wild bit of road on the route they were traveling as anyone was likely to find. Two men armed with wheellock pistols sat on their horses in the middle of the road.
When they pointed the handguns at the car, Tommy stood up and let loose with both barrels of the coach gun he was in charge of. The horses screamed in pain, and the discharged pistols went wild. Then both horses bolted—and it was fortunate they were not there when the car was. By the time H.A. had his snub-nosed thirty-eight out of its shoulder holster, there was no longer a target for him to shoot at.
James slowed back down. H.A. told Tommy, "Good shooting, Boy. That was a right fine job of riding shotgun."
At the livery stable on the outskirts of Donauwörth, a surprised Haussmann was standing in the road waiting. "I told you if you were in a hurry to get to Donauwörth you needed a fast horse, I've been waiting for you." He smirked.
"But where is your coach?" Katherina asked. "And where is your horse? Can we offer you a ride back to Augsburg?"
Haussmann snarled and stalked away.
When H.A. stopped to pick up his winnings, the liveryman asked about modifying the steamer into something with more seats and running to and from Donauwörth twice a day.
"Talk to James about it. I've been thinking of getting one of the electric hansom cabs for around town. The steamer is a bit over the top. So if James and Tommy want to, I'm sure we can work something out."
Haussman and the rented six-horse team and coach never returned to Augsburg. It turned out that Haussmann was in debt to anyone who would extend him credit.
****