On the Eve of the Last Great Ratings War
by David Boop
Introduction to
“On the Eve of the Last Great Ratings War”
I suspect all of us who have owned pets have found ourselves wondering what they think about. What’s more, animals have long been bred to perform specialized tasks for humans. As we go into space and as we improve our genetic engineering skills, I can easily imagine scientists creating smarter dogs and cats, bred to do the dirty jobs that humans don’t want to do. Of course, any time someone has to do those dirty jobs, they will rebel and piracy has long been a means to express that rebellion.
Those ideas alone had the potential for a great story, but David Boop added a look at our ability to become celebrities through reality television and the internet. In the process, he snuck some social commentary into a story that has both action and humor.
I first met David Boop at a writer’s workshop at the Opus Fantasy Arts Festival in Denver, Colorado. I saw a lot of promise in David at that early meeting and he has gone on to do great things. Turn the page to find out what happens on the eve of the last great ratings war.
* * *
“Do you have the signal, Nip?”
“It’s coming, sir. And sir? Please stop calling me ‘Nip.’”
“I will consider not calling you Nip when you have the signal.”
The young Feigatos was agitated. Yellow fur creased on his brow as declawed fingers raked over the keyboard. “It’s coming. When have I let you down?”
“Let me think. The F’jorian Nebula,” the Captain responded, finger poised on his chin.
“That wasn’t my—”
“And den dere was da Beteene job,” Demmy, the first mate, said in a loud whisper. His whiskers brushed against his gray fur as he scratched his nose.
“Oh, and don’t forget that incident on M34 run,” said Doc Likimous, his smooth, nearly translucent skin making him seem alien even next to his fellow Feigatos.
The Captain grinned. The men were just giving the kit some well-intentioned ribbing, but he knew their hacker would lose focus if they cut too deep. “Okay, crew. Let the cat do his job.” To his hacker, he asked, “You will break us in, will you not, Nip?” He placed his large gloved paw on the shoulder of his hyperspace fidelity stream expert. “This is far from your first HyFi hack. Should be no trouble at all.”
“No, Captain, not at all.”
Nip placed his paws behind his head in triumph as the bridge of the star-vessel Nolean lit up with the holographic image of the Hu’nax Imperial Network logo—a giant fist blazoned in reds and blacks. A pleasant female voice emanated from the floating logo:
“H.I.N. presents the Imperial Transport Channel. Your stream will begin shortly.”
The Captain was pleased. His lips curled into a ferocious smile and white teeth stood out against the orange fur that covered his feline head and muscular body. He looked every bit the predator his ancestors were, complemented with the latest in modern gunmetal-gray armor and two oversized boarding blasters.
He walked over to his captain’s chair and sat down. The carved baobab wood offset the metal and plastics of the bridge, which made him feel more at home there than anywhere in the galaxy. He drug a claw against a replaceable plank embedded in the armrest, feeling the curl of the shaving under his nail. Of all the ships he had stolen for his personal use, this was his favorite. He even named it after his first love.
The cat pirate cut an imposing figure on the bridge of the Stalker-class attack vessel; the ship as fine a balance of style and function as its commander. Its double-wedge shape allowed it unparalleled agility in both real and hyperspace. Gun ports filled its concave sides, ready for close combat maneuvers.
“Good job, Nip. Let us see if our prey’s stream is up yet.”
Nip cursed under his breath at the Captain’s pet name for him. His padded fingers tapped keys sternly. “Got it.”
The holographic image changed from the H.I.N. logo to that of another ship’s bridge. It was large and luxurious and implied the power and prestige befitting a transport vessel in service to the Imperium. The Hu’nax commander sat in his chair, just starting his testimonial. The Captain sighed. He hated this most about monitoring the network: broadcast ego trips.
“Well, yes, the mantle of command does wear heavily on this crown sometimes, but when the Emperor calls you, you respond.”
The first mate shook his head. “Who is dis waste of bandwidth?”
“Nip, run a hyki on this guy.”
Nip sampled the Hu’nax commander’s retinal pattern and pulled up his bio page. Fresh from the academy with mediocre marks across the board, the Captain had seen scarier lint between his toes.
“Gentlecats, we have a company man here!”
The crew laughed. Any nearly hairless ape-descendant this green was considered a “company man.” Recent graduates knew nothing about ship combat that hadn’t come from their officer’s manual and were easy pickings … usually.
The Captain paged his boarding crew. Azalin, his Mũssex squad leader, answered. Slanted red eyes looked at the Captain down a brown-furred nose.
Yess, Captain? Azalin projected.
Like the rest of his crew, the Captain had overridden his reflex to lick his lips every time he saw Azzie. Only a few centuries ago, Feigatos considered Mũssex prey. Despite years of genetic manipulation, most Feigatos wouldn’t pass up a chance at a Mũssex meal. Azzie had changed that thanks to his telepathic abilities, a rarity amongst his kind. Azzie had convinced the Captain that their interests ran parallel and, in turn, the Captain had spared the rodent-like thief’s life. Since the hodgepodge crew of the Nolean was already an assortment of misfits, the Mũssex fit right in.
“Looks like a company man, but do be careful anyway.”
Azzie thought, I alwayss am.
True to the Captain’s faith in him, the Mũssex had always been first through the hatch, his diminutive size and faster-than-Hu’nax reflexes made him nearly impossible to get a lock on. Azzie broke through gauntlets like sour milk through a kitten.
The Captain turned back to the projection.
“I was chosen specially for this assignment by the general himself. He saw my demo reel at graduation and said I was just the guy he was looking for. He liked my persona, my ease in front of the hy-cam.”
The Captain guffawed, “Is there a Hu’nax that doesn’t go into the academy hoping to be a military celebrity? I would bet a week’s rations that the general has never heard his name. People that high up rarely deal directly with their underlings.”
“They won’t tell me what I’m hauling, but I’m sure it’s pretty important. I was given a special instructional stream on tactics to fend off those lousy Feigato pirates.”
The Captain stroked the hairs under his chin and voiced his thoughts out loud, “It is like this hork is inviting me to attack. Does he truly think that he can make a name for himself by taking me out?”
“He’s an arrogant bastard, dat’s fer sure, Captain.” Demmy gave the projection a two-claw salute.
“How long until he is in range, Harra?”
The Nolean’s navigator scanned the data displayed at her station. She purred out his answer, while never taking her eyes off the monitor. “The transport will be passing us in four hundred point thirty-five seconds, Captain.”
Their ship was attached to large piece of celestial matter rotating in the outer ring of a gas planet. A secondary gas giant lay relatively close, causing a flux in the hyperspace lane. The combined gravitational pull forced ships to leave hyperspace and recalculate. Transports had to put up with this or avoid the system altogether. However, since it was fastest route, ships dealt with the 3.28 seconds delay as they readjusted their coordinates.
The Captain knew about the prime ambush spot for years, but he never used it. He hoped the Empire would think it was their little secret, so he passed up small- and medium-sized transports. One day, he believed, they’d send something succulent through here, and it would be worth all the small meals he’d given up.
Finally, the rumor that a special shipment would be passing through this very area came within earshot of the Captain, a meal so secret that its contents were known only to the Emperor’s closest advisors. Taking it would be a huge blow to the Imperium and could give the Captain the biggest ratings jump of his pirating career.
“Do you smell it, Demmy? This could be the one. The haul we need to draw the Emperor out.”
“Aye, Captain. Dis could make you a serious contender; one da people would take notice of.”
“Nip? How large is the feed?”
“It’s going out to 218 systems; that’s over half. There are some 35 trillion beings tuned in to this HyFi network, currently.”
The Captain pounded his right fist against his armrest. “Bast’s balls! Primetime! I cannot imagine a better set-up.”
Doc walked up beside his leader and said, “Set-up is right. You can’t tell me this doesn’t stink of a trap, right?”
The Captain leapt up and looked into his closest advisor’s eyes, questioning their intent. He saw nothing but sincerity within the ice blue gaze. He turned away, unfazed by Doc’s concern.
“No, it is the real deal. It is too perfect.” The Captain walked between stations, checking and rechecking readings. The crew could see his predator’s instinct at work. “Every trap the Imperium has set for us pirates has always had a flaw. One that is noticeable, exploitable. Even after all this time, they still can’t set the perfect trap.” He shook his head violently, which caused his black-tipped ears to blur. “No, this is no trap. I would have had a whisper of something like that on the solar winds, Doc. I just think our time has finally come.”
Likimous looked down in silence for a moment, and then recited, “‘In the fields of observation chance favors only the prepared mind.’ Pasteur.”
“What’s dat supposed to mean?” said Demmy who, after finishing his own set of double-checks, had grown agitated.
“It means that only by looking deeper can you see the truth.”
The Captain slapped his ship’s surgeon on the back. “Nothing to worry about, Doc. By this time tomorrow, we will be in the running for control of this galaxy and you will have worried for nothing.”
Nip looked up from his HyFi rig. “You really believe that, Captain?”
“Aye, I do, Nip. As it was written, so shall it be.”
The crew joined in, as the Captain recited the ancient code, “They that control the ratings, control the galaxy!”
They all knew the tale of old Earth, though some would discredit it as myth. Rebels had taken to the airwaves to fight the evil corporations that ran the world. Their pirate broadcasts had garnered sympathy and woken a people lulled into being sheep by entertainment and commercials.
“Yes, Nip. Ever since the Hu’nax first took the world back from their evil overlords, the motto has stood. You would not remember the tales handed down to us from the first generation of genimals. Humans, for that was what they were called back then, had kinder hearts and insatiable curiosity. Their single-world government, the Hu’nax Confederacy, ran pure in those first centuries. They worked hard to explore the galaxy, yet like most people with ultimate power, they started thinking themselves gods.”
Doc took over the narration, “The Hu’nax created genimals for exploration in harsher regions of space, thus helping their control to expand quickly. The Feigatos, the Mũssex, and the Perresímos; each a race imbued with skills to weather specific environments, however, our ancestral instincts were still locked deep within our DNA.”
“Despite genetic conditioning, safeguards wore off da longer we were in space,” Demmy added, “Da Perresímos turned on da Feigatos, da Feigatos on da Mũssex, and all turned on da Hu’nax. Dey had colonized a thousand worlds, but couldn’t control dem once war erupted.”
The Captain continued, “Aye, and while further genetic manipulations lessened the effect, the damage was done. The Hu’nax reigned in control of their worlds with force and, in time, became as brutal an overseer as their predecessors had been.”
“So, the Feigatos became pirates.”
“Aye, Nip, in hopes of recreating the balance that once existed.”
“And that’s why you let the mous … er, Azzie, live?”
The Captain let the accidental racial slur slide because of Nip’s age, barely over a kit that he was. It was okay for the Mũssex to call each other “mouse” or “rat,” same as Feigatos calling themselves “cats,” but interspecies slurs were not allowed on his watch. “That and others. How can we run a galaxy if we are slaves to our own instincts? If we are truly to rule as benevolent leaders, we need be masters of ourselves. I will not have a cat on my ship who is not. Working with Azzie tests that and, so far, it has worked to our advantage.”
The bridge crew busied themselves for the impending assault. Nip made sure his hack stayed clean and untraceable. He double-checked the feeds for all broadcast locations: anti-grav cams with the boarding crew, the bridge cam, and the outside wide-angle cams for battle sequences. The viewers had to switch between feeds and Nip needed all shots to be perfect. If this went down the way the Captain wanted, Nip was sure they’d generate enough support to force the Emperor into a ratings battle.
When that happened, the Captain could finally get his name back; the one he’d sacrificed the day he went pirate.
Harra called out, “Forty-two point three five seconds to gravity well.”
“We have deployed the hyperspace mines, as planned?” asked the Captain.
Demmy nodded, “Dey’ll go off half a second after dat bloated pig of a ship drops out of hyperspace. Its engines will be useless fer an hour.”
That pleased the Captain. Everything was going as expected. Yet Doc’s fears echoed in his mind. He’d covered every contingency, hadn’t he? All save for one. There was always one weak link in the plan. He leaned over to the com again. He hated to do this so close to “go time,” but there was too much at stake to risk loose ends.
“Master-of-arms? Take Azalin into custody, quickly. Lock him up, now.”
Outrage swept through his crew. Nip opened his mouth to protest, but was silenced by a look from the Captain. Even Demmy, who had been Azzie’s biggest detractor at the first, was shocked. “Are ya sure dat’s necessary, Captain?”
“Are you questioning me, First Mate?”
Demmy didn’t like it, but he knew better than to try to countermand a direct order.
They watched on the antigrav hy-cams as Master Jaggit relieved Azzie of his weapons and escorted him to the brig. He went without any hostility. It was done in 15.25 seconds. The Captain loved how efficient his crew had become.
Harra counted, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Transport dropping out of hyperspace. Mines detonated. The ship is trapped in real space, Captain.”
“Power up the engines, Harra. Demmy, release the clamps. Let us go harpoon a whale.”
The Nolean rumbled as she peeled off her rock. Her engines came to life and the pirates flew in quickly for their first attack run. Nip transposed the Hu’nax logo with that of the ship’s—a lion skull crossed with two femurs. The interruption would cause millions of beings to stay glued to their projectors in anticipation of the impending battle. People loved watching chaos and the Captain couldn’t be happier.
“Launch the EM harpoon!”
“Aye, Captain!” called the gunnery sergeant. He targeted the transport’s array and fired the large pointed missile. As a spearhead, the missile contained enough harmonics to break through any imperial force shield leaving behind a path in its wake that the Nolean could follow, reducing stress to her own shield generators. That specialized a weapon had cost the Captain three times what the Nolean was worth, but like the gravity well, the Captain knew one day it would come in handy.
The missile pierced the force field and embedded in the side of the white vessel. Lights all over the ship dimmed and the crew saw a frightened look on the Hu’nax commander’s fleshy face as he lost power throughout his ship. His last streamed words were directed point blank at the cam.
“Help me! I’m under attack by pir—”
The Captain took over the stream.
“Greetings, citizens of the Hu’nax Empire. I am the Captain of the Nolean and today I invite you to watch as I steal a crown jewel right from under your Emperor’s nose. Like you, I have no idea what form the treasure takes, but I believe we are going to have fun regardless.” He winked at the cam. “If you look at the sidebar to your right, you will be able to click on the background of this mission, including vidcaps of secret meetings I arranged to gather this intel. Also, down below, my HyFi expert has created searchable hykis on most of the crew, including their astrology signs, blood types, and what they will be listening to as we gut the Empire’s transport.
“Finally, ladies, click on my image anytime to go to my dating profile on HySpace to find out my turn-ons, turn-offs and what I like to do on a first date.
“Remember, this is not just a rebellion. It is entertainment!”
The Captain looked over to Nip, who acted as his producer now. The kit gave a thumbs-up. “Looking good, Captain! I’m registering a record number of hits on all links.”
The sound of detonations against the Nolean’s force shield caused the Captain to raise an eyebrow. “What is this, First Mate? How do they still have weapons?”
Demmy scanned a monitor. “Looks like dis is a newer version of da H234 Transport, Captain. Dey have a secondary power supply, shielded against IM attack. It seems limited to life-support and defense.”
“A new ship? One with a shielded secondary power supply? You would almost think it was designed to fend off pirates, eh, Demmy?”
The mock surprise was evident and Demmy laughed and tried to emulate the Captain’s tone, “Aye, Captain. Dis could make dings tough on us pirates. What ever shall we do?”
“Harra! Take us into combat positioning. Gunny, let’s take out those missile launchers.” The Captain smiled for his cam. “Well, this is a treat! I was worried you might get bored with us just docking and boarding the transport, but now you will get to see some actual ship-to-ship combat. Demmy will explain.”
“Danke, Captain.” Demmy’s smile was nervous. He wasn’t as used to being front and center as the Captain. Nip had given him enough lessons to get him this far, but no one had illusions about Demmy becoming a star. “We’ll have da advantage, despite da transport being larger and containing a higher volume of weapons. Da Nolean was designed for dis exact ding. Scroll to your left and you see da stats of our baby. For da uninitiated, space combat works not just up and down, or forward and backwards. No, in the vacuum of space you have a whole sphere to move within. Da Nolean, being an attack craft, can swiftly move at any angle, allowing it to twist and turn like a fish in pond. Da M234 Transport couldn’t move with our agility even if deir engines weren’t down.”
“Thank you, First Mate Demmy. For you dwelling-makers out there, Demmy’s wife hosts a decorating stream on everything from redesigning your brood’s room to adding atmosphere to your planet’s moons. Click on ‘Colony Living with Salania’ on TTC: The Terraforming Channel from the drop-down marked ‘links.’”
“Captain? Weapons are disabled. We’re free to dock.”
“Thank you, Harra.”
While the crew prepared to board, Nip spliced in Harra’s testimonial he’d shot earlier in the day. She had a natural sexiness in front of the camera, some of which came from her half-Siamese ancestry, and Nip tried not to drool on the hy-cam when he filmed her.
“The Captain found me, like he does most of the crew; dwellingless, hungry and dirt poor. I’d been a HyFi star for about ten point two-three seconds. I still don’t know what all happened. I’d followed the plan to perfection starting with being a runner-up on a star-maker program.” Harra ticked off items on her fingers. “Then I released my ‘stolen’ sex-stream to decent reviews. Cut an album that went trillium on first stream. Went off and had an affair with that member of the Imperium. I should have been big, yet somehow it all came crashing down. Maybe I should have taken those singing lessons, after all?”
The shot cut to the master-of-arms and the boarding crew outside the hatch of the Hu’nax vessel. Jaggit was a ragged veteran of too many firefights. There were bald patches where blaster fire had scorched his fur. If there was ever more of a pirate’s pirate, the galaxy hadn’t found him yet.
He addressed the audience. “This here hatch blowin’ be brought to you by Foster’s Body Armor. When the shit really hits the fan, have your ass in a Foster’s can!” He turned and the name “Foster’s” was prominently displayed in digital glory across his buttocks. It glowed blue so viewers at home could click on it to go to the retailer’s site.
The Captain hated the product endorsement deals some of the crew had started making. However, he paid them so little he couldn’t help but support these side ventures. “Well said, Master Jaggit. However, if we could, for the moment, focus on the other kind of booty, I would be ever so grateful.”
Jaggit looked a little embarrassed, but not disheartened. It was a gift of the Captain’s to reprimand without destroying confidence. “Sure thing, Cap’n. Fellas? Let’s blow this pig!”
The explosion looked far more spectacular than it actually was. Nip had added a few extra bangs and flashes using his FX generator, plus laid down a score that accented the impending firefight. Blaster bolts came spirally out of the detonation smoke. The Nolean’s crew returned fire, laying down a wall of suppression. Jaggit dove through first, clearing the smoke and rolling forward into a crouch. He used a shoulder-mounted blaster with Heads-Up Display implants within his eyes. With lightning skill, he painted each of the front line defenders and took them out. He took a couple shots to his right arm, but the damage hardly threw off his aim. The rest of the boarding party joined the fray having been relayed the targeting intel. The Captain slipped an eye patch over his left eye. It had similar HUD features, which allowed him to monitor ship information in real time.
Antigrav cams buzzed around under Nip’s control. He had to dodge the Hu’nax’s own cams, even though they were all but useless without their network feed. Nip went in close to some of the soldiers, capturing retinal scans and pulling up hykis on each. He was noticing a trend within the intelligence he gathered. There wasn’t a single officer or grunt that was more than six months out of the academy. They were all company men.
Nip turned on his own cam. “Captain? I think we’ve got a problem.”
“Little busy right now, Nip. Can it wait?” The defenders retreated down a corridor and tried to set up a secondary defense. Klaxons bleated in the background. Classic, the Captain thought.
“Maybe, but I don’t think so. I’m starting to get the same feeling Doc did. Something’s not right here.”
“Hold on. We are about to toss a grenade.” There was a loud boom. That, plus the alarms made Nip difficult to hear. “Say again?”
“I said, I THINK IT’S A TRAP!” A stray bolt took out one of the antigrav cams near the Captain. “Captain? Captain!” Nip switched to a second cam where the reverse angle was better. He could see the whole party and everyone was all right. White teeth gleamed through the smoke as it thinned.
“Thanks to the sacrifice of your cam, Nip, we broke through the line. We have taken the corridor. Jaggit and Likimous are leading a group to the bridge to secure things there. I’m taking some cats to the hold to see if this was all worth the effort.” He waved to the prone bodies. “I do not relish the death of these young, brave men. They are pawns, used and discarded by an uncaring empire. If any of the families are watching right now, I honor their sacrifice.”
The Captain bowed his head and Nip brought up respectful music and images gathered of the dead. Nip put thoughts of a trap behind him. The Captain knew what he was doing.
“What was it you wanted to say, Nip?”
“Nothing, Captain. Nothing.”
Nip’s antigrav cams split with the groups. Jaggit had no problem securing the bridge. The commander practically gave the master-at-arms welcome gifts when his team arrived. The Captain, meanwhile, was working with his group to break the security code on the hold. Blasting was not an option when the cargo was unknown. His code breaker was bent over the panel furiously trying to descramble its secret.
“Not to rush you, my dear, but we have eaten up fifteen minutes of our hour, and you know me … I hate to have things come down to the wire.”
Her actual name was Amis, but “Yeti” would have better matched her look and temperament. Her round body was covered with starched white hair that stuck straight out at all angles.
“With all due respect, Captain, don’t you tell me my job. I’m not the Nip. I don’t need prodding! And don’t give me that, ‘My Dear’ crap. I’ll have you up on harassment charges in two point one four seconds.”
The Captain raised his paws in surrender as Amis stood up triumphantly.
“There!” she said. She turned to face the opening door, weapon drawn.
Amis’s head blossomed red as blaster fire hit her flat face. The Captain’s reflexes barely saved him from the next barrage, though he felt his armor take a sting or two in the back. Another of his cats fell, his paw never making it all the way to his gun belt. The Captain scrambled on all fours, spun onto his back and fired as he slid down the corridor.
Dog soldiers poured from the hold. Snarling, howling. Their jowls drooling with saliva they flung left and right as they mowed down the Nolean’s boarding party.
The Captain saw the shape of things, so he threw down his blasters and held up his hands. Nobody left in his group to mend even if the Doc wasn’t with the other group. In a way he was glad Likimous wasn’t here. He didn’t want to see the cat’s smug look at being right.
The Hu’nax Imperium must have finally made a secret deal with the Perresímos, and it had worked.
One soldier, gray with low-hanging jowls, looked at a hovering cam and tapped a button on his arm. The cam went dead, as did all the others on the Nolean.
* * *
The Hu’nax logo once again spun in the air above the HyFi hacker. They’d overridden Nip’s security protocols with surprising ease. Their encryption was years beyond anything the youth had encountered. Nip wasn’t sure he could retake the signal from where he sat at the bridge. The dog soldiers hadn’t made it that far, taking the ship a level at a time. The bridge crew could be the last free cats on board. At least the Imperium hadn’t started broadcasting executions … yet.
“I can’t reach anyone: the Captain, Jaggit. We’re on our own, Demmy.”
“How many we talkin’ about, Nip?”
“There was a squad, maybe twenty, that took out the Captain’s team, but I’ll bet there is more than that.”
“We’ll be preparin’ to repel invaders, then.”
Nip was even more alarmed. “The Captain said if a boarding like this should happen we were to make a run for it. Save what crew remained.”
“Aye, he did say dat, didn’t he?” Demmy let his words hang, waiting to see what their hacker would do.
“But, we don’t do that, do we? Never leave a cat behind … if you can help it.”
“Aye, kittiebuck. Dat’ll be the stuff.” He addressed the bridge. “Harra? Arm the crew. Gunny, let’s see if we can target that jammer onboard and toast it.” To the rest he said, “Okay, let’s go get the Captain back.”
That might be presumptuouss, at this point, projected Azzie.
* * *
The Captain had been taken to the transport commander’s office. Per his orders, Demmy, Jaggit and the rest of the crew had surrendered without another loss of life. When his time came, the Captain would know intimately how much blood would be on his hands, and he didn’t want any more.
Behind the desk, instead of the Hu’nax officer, sat a Perresímos Sergeant Commander. He was lean and muscular and apparently in charge of the situation. Short brown and tan hair covered most of his body yet his snout was jet black. When he smiled, black gums outlined bright-white, razor-sharp teeth.
“So, the all-so slippery captain of the Nolean has finally been brought to his knees. This makes the alliance worth it, if for nothing else.”
He waited on the Captain to retort, but found none coming. The sergeant got up, walked over to the bound Feigatos, and got directly in the Captain’s face. Breath, like dead meat, made the Captain’s eyes water. “Aw, not so glib now, are you? Where are your fancy cams now? Where are your product endorsements?”
“Where is your master? Why is he not behind you, holding your leash?”
The backhand was hard, but it could have been harder. The Captain’s best guess was that the prisoners were not to be roughed up too much. Visible damage might gain a sympathy vote at the execution.
The sergeant returned to the desk. “You Feigatos, you really think you’re saving the galaxy? How arrogant! Maybe the galaxy has never needed saving. Maybe what it most needs is to evolve.”
The inside of the Captain’s cheek had been cut with the blow. He spat blood on the carpet. “And how do you think that will happen? Through compliance? Through becoming slaves again?”
“It comes from within, Captain. Or should I call you …”
“Stop! Do not use that name. I do not care how you got it, but if you grant me any boon, do not say that name.”
The sergeant’s laugh had a howl-like resonance to it, “Hawoo! Does a name hold so much meaning to you? If you want a consideration, why not ask for the lives of your crew? Or a quick death? But to waste your energy on a name? Ridiculous!”
The Captain chuckled along with the soldier. “I am sure it is something you could never understand. You have given away your freedom. For a Feigatos pirate captain, identity is everything. We sacrifice our names and only by returning balance to the galaxy are we allowed to reclaim it.”
A serious look passed over his adversary’s face. “You truly believe you’re right, don’t you? You’d rather die a nameless death? Has it ever occurred to you that balance could come just by joining with the Hu’nax? They aren’t what they once were. There are those in power that seek change. The Perresímos will have a voice once your rebellion is squashed. For the first time, the negotiations put us on almost equal ground to the Hu’nax.”
The Captain gave his adversary a half-smile. “Do you think they’ll honor that? You are a fool.”
“No! You’re the fool! You lost good cats today. Cats that might have lived to see a new era of equality and prosperity.”
In a voice just about a whisper, the Captain said, “Do not call us cats.”
The Perresímos leaned forward, cocking an ear toward his prisoner, “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”
“I said, ‘Do not call us CATS!’”
Straightening up, he grinned, “Fine! Instead, I will call you the late crew of the Nolean.” He snapped and two dog soldiers came in and dragged the Captain away.
* * *
The exchange had left a bad taste in the Sergeant Commander’s maw. It bothered him and even ripping into the soft flesh of the cat pirate would not cleanse it. Instead, he decided to distract himself from it by talking to the fool Hu’nax commander of the transport. He entered through the still-open door and addressed the sergeant who had returned to his seat.
“Um, my ship should be operational again in about twenty minutes.”
The dog soldier tilted his head to the side. “Whose ship?”
“Sorry, sir. Your ship should be ready in nineteen point five.”
“Good.”
“Um, can I ask how you did it?”
The Perresímos appraised the weak Hu’nax and wondered why he had to play the role of servant to this thing. He placed his paws on the table, interlocked fingers on top. “Did what?”
“How did you take them out so quickly?”
The sergeant motioned to the chair recently vacated by the cat and the Hu’nax sat.
Irony, thought the soldier.
“This ship has several features you were not aware of. We designed it with the strict intent of capturing pirates.”
“You designed it? You mean as part of the alliance?”
“Yes. Who better to outsmart a cat pirate than a dog?”
He chuckled and the commander chuckled along uncomfortably. “Yes, but like what? How is it different?”
“This transport is like two ships in one. It has a completely separate mainframe that can control every aspect of the ship. The bridge, should it be knocked out as it was, is unnecessary and only there for show. This allows us to run our new hyperspace jammer. They’re blind to the network and each other. They have no way to communicate with each other.”
Righteous indignation grew in the Hu’nax commander. “Why was I not briefed on any of this?”
The sergeant leaned forward and addressed the man in the same way he addressed the cat, “Because you are as unnecessary as the bridge you sit on.”
* * *
“Hey,” a Perresímos soldier called to his flank, “There’s something in here!”
They had entered the detention bloc aboard the Nolean. The soldiers had met surprisingly little resistance as they took the ship level by level.
“Why if it isn’t a widdle mousey? Hello widdle mousey. Were the big bad cats gonna eat you?”
Azzie cowered in the corner. The two dog soldiers laughed and continued their taunting.
“I’ll never understand why the Hu’nax didn’t make these things able to talk. Weren’t they supposed to be for underground exploration? I’d think they’d have wanted them to report in.”
“Oh, they can think and hype in reports and stuff,” said the other, “I think the Hu’nax found them too disgusting to talk to.”
Oh, we can talk fine, thank you. We just prefer talking to intelligent speciess only.
The soldiers looked around for the source of the voice and finally turned to find a heavily armed rodent smirking at them. They fell with little noise.
Azzie left his never-locked cell and made his way from the Nolean to the Imperium transport. His covert skills allowed him to move with ease within the shadows. He occasionally had to cling to the ceiling as dog soldiers passed underneath him, but the creatures rarely looked up. The Perresímos were rumored to have an excellent sense of smell, but with all the smoke and overwhelming “catness” of the ship, Azzie doubted they would ever discern him.
He was already behind schedule, having taken extra time to convince Nip that the best thing the bridge crew could do was hunker down and wait.
Do you understand now? Azzie had thought after explaining.
“The Captain was planning on taking the transport all along?”
It’ss not an actual transport, but made to look like one. But yess, he’d heard about a new pirate killer being developed. He didn’t know about the Perresímoss deal. He cussed so loudly I still have a headache.
“Locking you up was an extra precaution?”
Yess. That way we’d be able to coordinate our attack without use of hyperspace frequencies. Now, I have to go take the secondary bridge.
“Wait! What does he need me to do?”
Break that encryption. Without it, we’ll never be able to take the ship on cam.
“But this thing is light years ahead of me!”
No, it’ss not. That’ss why the Captain chose you. He saw in you infinite ability. Now that you know who developed it, thiss should be a piece of cheese to you.
The hacker hadn’t looked at the problem that way. He was still thinking it was Hu’nax designed. He went back to work and left the rescue to Azzie.
The concentration of soldiers made the going slower in the transport, so Azzie took to the air ducts. He found the secondary bridge and listened in.
“An escort vessel! Why is the Emperor sending an escort vessel?”
He could see a brown and tan Perresímos below through a vent. The dog didn’t look happy. He was talking to someone through HyFi but the other’s words were unclear. Their implication was.
“This wasn’t part of the deal. We’d bring the pirates in and announce the alliance to the whole galaxy. That would make the eventual merger of our two races go smoother.”
More words then, “Yes, sir. I understand.” The Perresímos sounded defeated, but angry.
“What is it, Sergeant?” asked a dog soldier.
“This mission should have been the beginning of something grand, our first joint operation, but now it’s going to look like the Hu’nax planned everything and used us as tools. I smell a rat!”
Not me, Azzie thought to himself, but checked his armpits anyway.
* * *
The Captain was fuming. Doc tried to comfort him as best he could. “They say ‘One must be a god to be able to tell successes from failures without making a mistake.’ You couldn’t have known what would happen, Captain. It was un …”
“The thing is, I did know.”
“What?”
“I knew all along it was a trap. I just thought I had prepared enough. It was the Perresímos I was not prepared for. Had I known, I would not have been so cavalier.”
Jaggit pointed toward the brig’s door where a guest had arrived. “Ya might get yer chance to fix that, Cap’n, after all.”
The sergeant dismissed the guards from in front of the Captain’s cell. He paced back and forth a bit.
“Something on your mind?” asked the Captain.
“What if you’re right? What if the purpose of this whole alliance is to get us back under the control of the Hu’nax?”
“Yeah, an escort battleship does not sound all that friendly, especially when you have already got things well under control.”
The Perresímos’s jaw hung loose.
“I have my sources.” The Captain motioned up to the ceiling where Azzie had just arrived via the vent. He dropped to the floor, gun at the ready, but not directly pointing at the sergeant.
It took some doing to convince the Captain that the best hope for the galaxy iss a meeting of the mindss, so to speak. Azzie laughed at his own pun. It came out like a snicker.
“They can …”
“Yeah, Azzie and his whole race have their own language, but only a few can project thoughts. When I rescued him, it was the beginning of something bigger. Something you could be a part of.”
“What? A part of what?” The soldier didn’t look convinced.
A gleam reflected in the Captain’s eye.
“Piracy.”
“Hawoo! I’m not like you!” He waved the idea off. “I’m used to following orders. I can’t think independently like you do.”
The Captain sat back on the cell bench, legs crossed. He waved a paw around nonchalantly. “You almost beat me, you know. You and your people. This ship you designed? Brilliant. Let us face facts. You had to think like a pirate to best a pirate. It will not be as hard as you think to use that instinct for some better purpose.”
Azzie unlocked the cell, keeping his red eyes on the Perresímos as he did it, but the soldier made no effort to stop him. The Captain walked up to the dog soldier, placed a paw on either shoulder and said, “I had planned to steal this ship from the beginning, but I think there is a better captain for it.”
“I-I couldn’t.”
“There is a fully loaded attack vessel on its way here. Do you not see the invisible leash? Snap it!”
The sergeant looked inward, as though a million scenarios played out in his mind. When he brought his head up again, it was slow and deliberate and a shine appeared his eyes that had started to grow. It looked a lot, to the Captain, like a pirate’s gleam.
“Let’s take that ship!”
* * *
“Nip! The code is …”
“Already got it, Captain.”
The Captain ran onto the bridge just as the Hu’nax logo from the galaxy-wide stream changed to that of another bridge. Unlike the earlier Imperium transport, this vessel was clearly a war craft. Digital charts floated in the air around an older and hardened Hu’nax. Decorations adorned his lapels showcasing years of service. One was clearly a purple Emmy, the highest honor in the Hu’nax military. The Captain didn’t need a hyki to know who this person was and what his appearance on the hyfi network meant.
“Oh my, the General himself. This is an honor.”
“I’m ready to tap in whenever,” Nip said.
The Captain shook his head. “No, let us see what he has to say. Make sure the Sirius is getting the feed, though.”
“Sirius? As in da dog star?” said Demmy, not believing his ears.
“Hey! Cut him some slack. He is new to the pirating game.”
The General addressed his cam. He was comfortable there, like a seasoned pro. His silver hair was cut neatly and a salt-n-pepper Van Dyke fit perfectly in the center of his chiseled chin. His gestures accented his words, making him not only a great military strategist, but an experienced celebrity, as well. The Captain knew the General had been out of the spotlight awhile, not as long as the Emperor mind you. Despite this, his performance was flawless.
“The Imperium apologizes for the interruption of your program. What you just saw was part of a long-term plan we put in motion years ago to end this pirate nuisance. You may have caught a glimpse of a few brave Perresímos warriors there in that last segment.”
He spun in his chair to give the audience a close view of his smile. His hy-cam2 was adjusted with warmer tones to make him seem friendlier.
“Have no fear. The Perresímos have decided, after years of hostile negotiations, to come back to the fold. They have graciously thrown their full support behind our quest for peace in the galaxy. They, like you viewers at home, know that only through acceptance of the Hu’nax Imperium’s rule, can this terrible fighting come to an end.”
The General returned to address hy-cam1.
“There will be no peace through acts of piracy. There is no victory in committing crimes. When my fully armed attack vessel reaches the coordinates, I will personally oversee the captured pirate crew’s execution, which will be covered on all Imperium networks. Commentary will be provided by only the most authoritative of panelists. And even the Emperor himself will broadcast a pre-recorded message for his people. We will send a message to the whole galaxy that the Emperor will never engage in a ratings war with such feline scum.”
“Now, Nip.”
Nip pushed a button and the Captain appeared split screen with the General.
“Feline scum, huh? Only my mother, Bast rest her soul, could call me that!”
“What? What is the meaning of this? How’d you escape?”
“General, that is a trade secret and we never reveal trade secrets. Right, crew?”
The crew laughed and Nip added a window in the corner with the Perresímos sergeant’s stream.
“General? May I introduce Captain … er, what is your name again?”
“Mochar.”
“Captain Mochar of the newly rechristened Sirius.”
“Mochar! How dare you! We placed our full trust in you and your team and you turn on us?”
“I didn’t like what you were feeding me, General. A dog can eat only so much shit before he starves.”
The General turned beet-red. “Where is my captain and crew of that transport? What have you done with them?”
“Bring up the feed, Nip.” said the Captain.
Another pop-up appeared in the corner. A dozen men sat huddled together, naked. In the front, the transport’s former commander rocked back and forth like a disobedient child, a spiked collar around his neck.
“You betrayed us, General,” Captain Mochar challenged. “The whole Hu’nax Imperium betrayed us. And for that you’ll find not one, but two opponents when you arrive. I have already sent word to the Perresímos high council. We will no longer heel to your command.”
Azzie stepped up beside the Captain. “Oh, and Azzie here says make it three as the Mũssex do not like you much either.”
The General’s mouth hung open for three point seven-eight seconds. Nip put a hang-time counter in the corner of the screen. When he regained his composure, he shouted, “Abort. Turnabout!”
“Too late, sir! We’re already caught in the gravity well. Dropping out of hyperspace now.”
The Captain asked, “Nip? How are the ratings?”
Nip’s eyes were wide. “I don’t think there is an intelligent being in the cosmos not tuned in right now, Captain.”
“Then let us give them their money’s worth. Harra! Assume attack position epsilon. Gunny, is the EM harpoon reloaded?”
“Yes, Captain!”
“I am assuming they are prepared for it, so be ready to back it up with a couple of missiles. Azzie! Get your boarding team ready. This will not be like the transport. I want everyone packing grenade launchers … and Demmy?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Send a hype to my agent. I am going to need some vidblog appearances lined up after today.”
The older cat laughed and saluted. “Aye, sir. Dat be certainly true!”
The Captain looked to the com. “Captain Mochar, shall we gut this swine?”
“Ready on your lead, Captain.”
“Excellent!”
Doc leaned over to Nip and whispered, “The truest test of fame is to have a crazy person imagine he’s you.”
Nip snorted as he tried to keep the laughter in. He regained composure with a raised eyebrow from his Captain.
The Feigatos leader gave his crew one last look before nodding his pleasure.
He stared forward at the target coming into range and spoke the word he’d waited most of his life to say,
“Primetime!”
David Boop is a Denver-based speculative fiction author. He’s also an award-winning essayist, and screenwriter. Before turning to fiction, David worked as a DJ, film critic, journalist, and actor. As Editor-in-Chief at IntraDenver.net, David’s team was on the ground at Columbine making them the first internet only newspaper to cover such an event. That year, they won an award for excellence from the Colorado Press Association for their design and coverage.
His debut novel, the sci-fi/noir She Murdered Me with Science, is back in print from WordFire Press after a six-year hiatus. In 2017, he edited the weird western anthology, Straight Outta Tombstone, for Baen. While also known for weird western series The Drowned Horse Chronicle, he’s published across several genres including horror, fantasy, and media tie-ins for Predator, The Green Hornet, The Black Bat and Veronica Mars. His RPG work includes Flash Gordon, Rippers Resurrected and Deadlands: Noir for Savage Worlds.
He’s a single dad, Summa Cum Laude creative writing graduate, part-time temp worker and believer. His hobbies include film noir, anime, the Blues and Mayan History. You can find out more on his fanpage, facebook.com/dboop.updates or Twitter @david_boop.