Myth Lonelyhearts
I looked around the ruffled-sided tent at the array of cards, statues, satin pillows, toys, candies, and an array of more adult items, the use of some I had to guess at. Every single item had been made, dyed, or painted red, white, or brilliant, eye-burning pink.
I glanced at Aahz. Like me, the Pervect hesitated on the threshold.
“Come in, come in!” exclaimed the Deveelish proprietor, Valentinius. Red-skinned with hooved feet and a long, skinny tail like all of his kind, he had a long, narrow face and high-arched eyebrows. He beckoned us in with a flick of his beautifully manicured talons, albeit shooting a look of resigned disdain at my companion. Short of stature but broad in the shoulder, Aahz had green-scaled skin, yellow eyes, and batwing ears. He hailed from a dimension called Perv, which meant his kind were called Pervects, if you liked them, or Perverts, if you didn’t. They had such an interdimensional reputation for questionable behavior that even after years of knowing him and other Pervects I had no idea if it was earned. Valentinius was no doubt concerned for the welfare of his stock and possibly his employees. I, as a tall, skinny, blond-haired Klahd, never posed a threat to anyone in Deva, a dimension that possessed far more magikal potential than mine ever dreamed existed. “Come and examine the wares. Affection Day is coming! Your special someone will be expecting a gift from here. You know it. I know it! So, buy already!”
“What the hell,” Aahz said, plunging into the first aisle. “C’mon, Skeeve.”
“Aahz?” I asked, all but stumbling in behind him. “Do you have a special someone? You’ve never mentioned one.”
“One?” Aahz turned back to me, his four-inch-long pointed teeth set more in a rictus than a grin. “I have a dozen, and they’ll all be furious if I don’t come up with something that tells them how I feel about them.” He waggled his scaly eyebrows at me.
“How can they be special if there are a dozen of them?” I asked. My own experiences with women had been largely unsuccessful, or so I could recall. The women that I cared about most in the world were friends, not lovers—at least so far.
“Weeeellll,” Aahz said, narrowing one big yellow eye with an expression that spoke of annoyed embarrassment. “None of them knows about the others, so to each, she’s my one-and-only.”
“Gosh.” It was all I could find to say. I admired Aahz. I had no idea how he could juggle a lot of relationships like that without getting them confused. Or in a lot of trouble.
“Try a sweet, young Klahd?” a female Deveel asked, shoving a pink and white box under my nose. “Free samples. Guaranteed harmless and delicious. Just the thing to show your warm sentiment on Affection Day!”
I peered into the container. Nestled in individual paper nests were solid, irregular ovals of dark brown-red sweets with narrow stripes of pink daubed on them in random directions. I’d cut up enough carcasses to know what I was looking at.
“Eyugh,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “Heart-shaped candy?”
The Deveel snarled at me, sharp white teeth showing vividly in her deep red face. “Get with the spirit of the day, Klahd. You’re supposed to show someone that you’d let them eat your heart if it would make them happy.”
The heart seemed to be a common theme in the crowded tent. Shoppers considered all kinds of items featuring that vital organ: cards, scrolls, rings, necklaces, garters, bottles of potions, philters, and spells. Over a half of the not inconsiderable floor space was devoted to racks and tables of embarrassing-looking garments for all genders and body types. I had never worn anything like that myself, but I had seen a number of them among the plethora of wedding presents given to my former apprentice, Massha. I had no doubt, considering the healthy relationship she had with retired general Hugh Badaxe that they had made good use of the gifts.
“Oh, yeah!” Aahz crowed. He headed toward a clothesline from which hung bits and pieces of fabric in the obligatory red, pink, and white. None of them looked large enough to clothe a Gnome, let alone a Pervect. Then I recalled the tiny swimsuits that Bunny and the other beauty contestants had donned (for a brief look (see what I did there?), consult the compelling tale, “Myth Congeniality,” in Myth-Told Tales, a collection of brilliant stories of conniving, derring-do, and camaraderie), and the items no longer looked too scanty. But the thought of putting Bunny, Tananda, or any of my female friends into one made my heart pound furiously. I began to understand the candies offered by the Deveel clerk.
“So, how may I take your money?” Valentinius sidled up beside me. He thrust an armload of items into my hands. “What do you need? Flowers? A satin pillow, perhaps? The sentiment embroidered on this one is bespelled to change with your loved one’s mood.” I glanced at the pink oval. It said, “Drop dead, you creep!”
“Uh, no, thanks,” I said, shoving them back. Valentinius flicked a wrist. Instead of dropping to the floor, they hovered around him, spinning so I could see every angle.
“What sort of item were you hoping to find for your very special someone?” he asked, fluttering his long eyelashes.
The phrase had begun to irk me. “I don’t have a special someone!” I said, with perhaps more heat than was necessary. Valentinius didn’t take it amiss; no Deveel worth his salt would take shouting as a cue to exit an argument. If anything, it indicated the beginning of a bargain.
“Well, if you don’t, I have powders and other items you can use to make someone interested in you. Bracelets? Rings? I’ve got a spray that you can use to perfume a room to attract just the right person. Want to give it a try? Only two coppers per spritz.”
I had a brief vision of having hordes of strange people charging toward me with lust in their eyes, and shuddered.
“No, thanks. I can come up with my own bad ideas.”
“Are you calling my merchandise bad ideas?” he shrieked, raising his voice so high that shoppers for three rows around turned to look. “It figures that a Klahd can’t tell true romance from heartburn!”
“Hey, I’ll know it when I see it,” I protested, albeit weakly.
“Kid! Stop playing around!” Aahz marched over and shoved a hand between my shoulder blades, aiming me toward the clothes racks. The Deveel gave us both a disgusted look and sauntered away. Not a yard from us, he latched onto the arm of a bright-pink Imp matron.
“Darling, you don’t want that! It doesn’t match anything in this entire dimension!”
“C’mon,” Aahz said. “I’m afraid of what you’ll end up buying if you don’t stay close to me.”
“Okay, Aahz,” I said. To tell the truth, I was relieved. Even though I had lived in the Bazaar for years, I had yet to explore every corner, tent, and booth. Adding to the confusion was the fact that shops routinely disappeared from one location and reappeared in another, often under a new name, although less often with a new owner or manager. I’d been fooled more than once by patronizing a business only to learn that it belonged to a Deveel who had tried to outrun his reputation for unusually shady dealing by relocating. To my best recollection, I had never seen this one before. “Has this shop been here long?”
“It’s a pop-up,” Aahz said. “Seasonal merchandise. It’s like the Festival of Hamsters. In between, no one wants to see the stuff. You can see why.”
I watched other shoppers, but I really couldn’t tell what they were buying. The baskets were bespelled so that anything tossed into them became invisible. Aahz was just as cagey about his purchases.
Every so often, he darted a glance around to see if anyone was watching him, then grabbed something off one of the long tables. I eyed the display, which appeared to be all garments in pink and white, decorated—no, festooned with lace and stretchy straps. I had not seen the size of the item that Aahz had shoved into his shopping basket, so I couldn’t even make a guess as to the race of the one-and-only for whom he had bought it. He stopped and eyed one table in the crowded tent. Though they were tinted pink and white, the items on display looked like implements of torture. Owing to a recent visit to a professional torturer (see the whole sordid story in Myth-Fits, coming to a reputable or disreputable seller of literature near you), I had some uncomfortable familiarity with such things.
One apparatus struck me as unusually odd. It consisted eight or ten broad, various-sized loops of white leather all bound together with stretchy pink elastic, chains and matching padlocks, each with a heart incised on it. I picked it up.
“Hey, Aahz, what’s this for?”
With a long-suffering sigh, he took it out of my fingers and dropped it back on the table.
“That, you absolutely do not want to know,” he said. “Look, it’s Affection Day. Why don’t you pick out something for people you like?”
“I’ve never heard of Affection Day,” I protested. “And I don’t have a special someone, like Valentinius said.”
“You have a bunch of special someones,” Aahz said, with a shake of his head. “You just ain’t dating any of them. Get something PG-rated for them. Go look over there.” He pointed to a group of tables where a Deveel, a handful of Imps, and two Centaurs were browsing. “Scram. I don’t want to have to keep explaining what I’m buying.”
The half-horse, half-Klahd beings made way as I sidled up to the table to examine the wares. A female Centaur, wearing nothing but her long chestnut-colored tresses over her bosom, was sorting through a sheaf of colorful little books. One of them was called The True Story of Affection Day. I picked up a similar volume and browsed through it. What I read made me sputter in outrage.
“Is this right?” I asked the Centaur female. “This holiday was made up by Deveel merchants to sell candy? It’s phony?”
She smiled at me, showing a mouthful of long, horsy teeth.
“That’s right, Klahd,” she said, with a nickering laugh. “But many of us have adapted it for ourselves to tell our loved ones that we value them.”
“But what about all that other stuff? The charmed portraits? The Miss Lonelyhearts contests? Those?” I pointed to the racks of questionable garments. “That’s not candy.”
She gave a nickering laugh and patted me on the shoulder.
“You are young, Klahd. Sweet things come in many guises.”
I felt my cheeks burn. I wasn’t that young!
“Grizzle grum nang dabbit marn flandifulation!”
One of the clothing displays gave a massive heave and fell towards me. I had just enough time to ready a spell that kept the mass of satin and leather from tumbling down over the Centaur and me. The female trotted out of the way of the bondage avalanche, holding her basket. I tried to make the rack stand upright, but the person swearing must have been tangled up inside it.
Valentinius strode toward me, tut-tutting furiously.
“Did you knock that over?” he demanded.
“No!” I said. “I’m holding it up!”
He glanced past me at the clutter on the floor and sniffed. “Very badly, I see.”
I was willing to do favors out of common decency, but such a thing was often lost on Deveels. I let my spell lapse.
CRASH!
The garments spilled in every direction, leaving a large, black-bearded, leather-clad Klahd lying in their midst, only this leather was well-worn military-grade armor—not a bad choice, considering that shopping in the Bazaar during the end-of-season sales could result in mortal wounds. He clutched a handful of pink satin to his chest. I recognized him in an instant. It was retired Possiltum general Hugh Badaxe. His face flushed scarlet as he met my gaze.
“Another Klahd!” the Deveel said, flicking a fingernail. The general swung up into the air as if he weighed no more than the wispy feathers that decorated the garment in his hand. “We request that you do not use the merchandise until after you have purchased it!” He walked purposefully toward the tent’s door, preparing to fling Badaxe into the dusty, sun-drenched street.
“Wait!” I said, jumping into the Deveel’s path. “Don’t you know who that is?”
“No, who is it?” Valentinius asked, raising one thin eyebrow.
Badaxe waved a frantic hand at me. I gulped. If he was buying something in the Bazaar instead of on Klah, he probably wanted it kept a secret.
“That’s my uncle Harv,” I said. “He’s here to make a big purchase. A BIG purchase.”
“Oh,” Valentinius said. He closed his fingers, and Badaxe dropped to the floor with an audible thud. “Fine. But he’s handled the size XXXXXXL Cupy panties, so he’ll have to buy them, too.”
“No problem,” I said.
“Three gold pieces.”
“One silver,” I countered. “After all, he’s handled them now. They’re used. You couldn’t sell them to a Cupy now if you wanted to.”
“Two gold pieces.”
“Two silver. That’s my final offer.”
Valentinius looked from me to the general, who had risen to his feet with what dignity he could muster. He was half again the Deveel’s height and at least three times his weight, although physical stature meant little in dimensions where magik might be involved. Valentinius showed a mouthful of sharp-pointed white teeth.
“Five silver. Not a copper less. It will take me such a loooooong time to clear up the mess you left!”
“I’ll pay it,” Badaxe said, reaching into his belt pouch. “Thanks anyhow, nephew.” He dropped the coins into Valentinius’s palm, from which they disappeared faster than the merchandise in the shopping baskets. The Deveel flicked a hand at the display. It straightened itself out in a flash, all of the odd-looking garments hanging themselves in perfect order. Badaxe watched with a jaundiced eye. We both knew he’d overpaid to appease the Deveel.
“What are you doing here, uncle?” I asked in a low tone.
This big, muscular man had faced down armies against terrible odds, both in terms of enemy numbers and the parsimony of the kingdom treasurer, JR Grimble, but he almost trembled with nerves.
“Affection Day,” he said. “I want to buy something for Massha. No, I have to buy her something.”
“For a fake holiday?”
He made a face. “If you want to know the truth, she’s upset with me.”
“Why?” I asked.
The expression changed to one that he probably aimed at young recruits who had said something monumentally stupid.
“If I knew that, I would apologize and promise never to do it again. As it is,” he added with a sigh, “I’m in the dark. She hasn’t talked to me for a week. She hasn’t even looked at me. That’s not like her. We don’t even.…” His cheeks flushed. “Never mind, son. Need to know. It can’t go on like this. The palace isn’t that big. We keep running into each other, and people are starting to talk. You know the Queen’s on her side. She could make it pretty miserable for me if she thinks I’m making Massha unhappy. So, I’m using Affection Day as an excuse to try and break through the barrier. My concern is that she’ll throw my present back in my face.”
I became worried. Massha was someone I cared about, too.
“Can I help?” I asked. He held up the handful of pink satin. I backed away a pace with my hands held up to ward it off. “I mean, I can’t help you choose a gift. I’m not good at buying present for people.”
“Oh, this?” Hugh looked at it with a faint air of embarrassment. “I thought she’d look good in it.” He spread the garment out with both hands. It appeared to be a pair of tiny panties with little white feathered wings affixed at each hip. The wings fluttered.
“That?” I asked, in astonishment. Massha was a lady of monumental proportions, who favored harem pants and brief tops that left her broad stomach bare to help keep her cool. “That wouldn’t cover very much of her, would it?”
Badaxe grinned. “That’s kind of the idea, Skeeve. I love the way she looks. But I’m in pretty deep muck. If you’ve seen something else in here that she’d like better, I’m open to ideas.”
“She collects jewelry, mostly magikal gizmos,” I offered. “If I was going to buy her something it would be a device she doesn’t have yet.”
“I don’t know a quarter of what her magik stuff does,” Badaxe said glumly. “I had better stick to a present that shows her I’m sorry even if I don’t know what I’m being sorry for.”
“I’d be happy to run interference for you,” I said. “Massha’s been a good friend, as have you.”
He eyed me with sideways speculation.
“Would you be willing to deliver gifts to her for me?” he asked.
“Sure.” I knew the castle well. Massha occupied the position I had vacated as Court Magician to the Kingdom of Possiltum. She used my old offices, a majestic suite of rooms in the best tower. I also knew the honeymoon cottage that she and Badaxe had been given by the queen as a wedding present.
“Great!” A jubilant Badaxe grabbed me by the arm and dragged me toward the racks of clothing.
“Wait a minute!” I protested. “I didn’t say I’d dress up!”
“If you’re an Affection Day messenger, you need to wear the uniform,” Badaxe said. “Are you a soldier in this being’s army, or aren’t you?”
“What’s going on?” Aahz appeared from the midst of the racks. Hastily, he shoved a bright green and black satin corset into his basket, where it disappeared.
“Hey, Aahz,” Badaxe said, his face dropping into a relatively neutral expression. He and Aahz had a cordial relationship. As hard as I had tried, I couldn’t get them to warm to each other. “Skeeve just offered to do me a favor.”
“What kind of favor?” Aahz asked, always mistrustful of my ability to negotiate on my own behalf. All right, most of the time he was right, but I was pretty sure that I had agreed to a fairly innocuous task.
“Affection Day messenger,” I said. “Badaxe needs me to bring some presents to Massha.”
Aahz grinned, showing all of his teeth.
“And you need the uniform,” he said, hooking his hand into my other arm. “Well, come on, partner. After you drop the general’s parcels off, I’ve got a few addresses I’d like you to visit.”
“Uh … okay.”
“He looks like a medium long,” Badaxe said, running an experienced eye up and down my lanky frame.
“No problem.” Aahz plunged into the racks of clothing.
O O O
“Are you sure I need all of this stuff?” I asked, looking at myself in a red-framed magik mirror that showed my front, sides and back in rapid sequence, over and over again. I stood on a hovering disk at one side of the shop. My own clothes were in a heap on the floor. I now wore a knee-length red tunic over white trousers, belted with a leather belt from which hung a quiverful of pink feathers. Over one shoulder, a shining white bow was slung by its slack string. Over the other was a huge, empty pink satchel. “What are the bow and arrows for? Do I have to shoot my way out of the room?”
“They’re traditional symbols of Affection Day,” Valentinius said, fussing around me. “You shoot the arrows of love at the heart of the person you want to win.”
“How is a fatal assault romantic?” I asked, aghast. This was definitely not a holiday on Klah. “Am I missing something?”
The Deveel stood up and put his hands on his hips and sent an exasperated look to Badaxe. “Are you sure you want him for your messenger? He doesn’t seem to understand anything.”
“He’s fine,” Aahz snarled. The Deveel backed off, not eager to face off against a Pervect, even in his own shop. He didn’t know that Aahz had no magikal powers. “Get on with the fitting. You’re wasting time.”
“Yes, yes.”
Valentinius pointed a sharp nail at the pink boots he had had me don. From the heels sprang little white wings. To my surprise, when they fluttered they lifted me right off the disk. He snapped his fingers. A short cylindrical box about a foot across rushed to his hands. He pried off the lid and extracted, from a tissue-paper nest within, a red hat. I was not too fond of hats, which was lucky because I hardly ever needed one in the desert climate. I had also never been noted for my sartorial style. Most of my clothes had been picked out by Bunny, currently president of M.Y.T.H., Inc., once she had managed to convince me that I was a self-inflicted fashion victim. But even I wouldn’t have tried on, let alone bought, the topper that Valentinius brandished at me. It had a flat, round crown with a silver bill that stuck out over the forehead. The band that ran around the brim had a pattern of jewels arranged in stripes of pink, red and white that flashed in sequence. Sticking up over one ear was a long, fluffy pink feather with a jeweled clip. The end of the feather bobbed up and down as if in time to the flashing gems.
“No,” I said, firmly. “Not if my life depended on it. I’ll wear it without the hat.”
“But you have to!” Hugh Badaxe said, desperation in his eyes.
“Why does it matter?” I asked. “I’ll travel back to Klah, flutter over to the castle, present your gifts to Massha, then go visit Aahz’s … friends. I don’t need the hat.”
“It’s part of the spell,” Valentinius said, exasperated. He flipped a hand. The hat shot toward me. I ducked, but it clapped itself onto my head. I clawed at it, prying at the smooth felt. The hat almost cackled at me in triumph. I couldn’t get it off. It held on tighter than my hair. The Deveel pointed at me. “Now, repeat after me:
In darkest day,
in bleakest night,
no lover shall escape delight.
No rain deter,
nor snow prevent me
bringing your Affection Day present.”
“That’s stupid,” I said. “It doesn’t really rhyme.”
“Say it,” Aahz gritted.
When the veins in his yellow eyes protruded, it meant Aahz was about to lose his temper. I repeated it.
The moment the last syllable left my lips, I felt magikal power surge downward from the hat and upward from the wings on my heels. The string of my bow vibrated in a higher and higher tone until my ears were pleading for mercy. I tried to fling away the parts of the costume, but they seemed to have become part of my body.
Aahz and Badaxe stuffed the contents of their shopping baskets into the pouch.
“One last thing,” Badaxe said. He shoved aside a section of his breastplate, took one of the arrows out of my quiver, gritted his teeth, and plunged the arrow into his heart. I was aghast, but the arrow melted away, leaving no visible wound. The feathers fluttered to the floor. “That’s so she knows I really love her.”
“This is crazy!” I shouted, over the now deafening whine of the bowstring.
“Have a nice trip, partner,” Aahz said. “Tell Massha hello for me.”
“Thanks, Skeeve,” Badaxe said.
I managed to choke out words in spite of the juddering.
“But how am I going to get back to …?”
Bamf!
“Yiiii!” I yelped, as I appeared in Klah, or, rather, high over it. In all the times we had traveled to my home dimension, we had always landed somewhere on the ground. For the first time, I arrived up in the sky. It took me a minute to get my bearings. I spun in mid-air, looking for landmarks. Below was thick forest. It ran unbroken in all directions except for a snaking line that I knew had to be a road. My eye followed it until I spotted pennants and banners floating from the conical tops of towers. One of them I knew almost as well as I knew my own name, since I had lived in it for several months. The castle! I leaned toward it.
The wings on my feet had been designed to keep me in the air, but not necessarily on an even keel.
“Whoa!”
I windmilled my arms, but I found myself flying upside down in the direction of the castle. The bag full of presents started to slip off my shoulder. I caught the strap just in time and hung onto it.
To save myself, I needed a supply of magik energy from force lines. In a dimension like Deva, they’re everywhere, both underground and in the sky. In Klah, there were far fewer. I used my inner eye to scan for them. The nearest high-level one, a thin blue wavy arch, was miles away. Underground, I sensed a spiky red stripe zigzagging along almost parallel to the road. Aahz warned me to be cautious about the streams from which I drew power, but it was the only one handy.
Other than making my ears burn and my tongue vibrate, the power seemed pretty innocuous. I drew enough to fill my inner reserves. Once I’d done that, it was easy to flip myself upright and settle my bag over my shoulder.
“Wizard ho!”
“Prepare to defend!”
As I neared the edge of the forest, I spotted a number of men-at-arms in the small village that lay at the foot of the castle mount. I waved to them. Then, I realized they wouldn’t recognize me. Skeeve the Magnificent, former court wizard, was an elderly and forbidding figure, with hollow eyes and a domelike skull, dressed in dark, mystical robes, not the ridiculous young blond Klahd in red wearing a glittering hat band and armed with a quiver of pink arrows.
The soldiers formed into three lines, each with crossbows aimed in my direction.
“No, wait!” I shouted. “I’m a friend! A friend of Massha’s! Don’t—!”
Too late, a flight of bolts shot in my direction. I spread my hands and created a force shield large enough to protect me and ducked behind it. The bolts hit the shield point-first and bounced off.
“Sorcery! Call for the wizard!” came another cry.
“No!” I shouted. The second volley came flying. One of the quarrels glowed blue. Putting the shield over my back, I spun and made back for the forest. The other bolts kept sailing in a straight line, but the blue quarrel followed me as I wove between the trees. It grew closer and closer. No amount of magik that I threw at it dispelled it or made it fall. It had to be one of Massha’s gizmos.
I dodged between a couple of trees that were so close together that half of the plume on my hat rubbed off against the bark on my right. The bolt shot through the gap with ease. I made for an enormous black-leaved beechoak I spotted ahead of me. When I was a foot away, I dodged hard to the right. The bolt didn’t correct its trajectory in time. It buried itself deep in the beechoak’s trunk. A high-pitched tone began to rise from the tree. I put all the power I had left into thrusting myself away from it. I was less than twenty feet away when the beechoak exploded into a cloud of toothpicks. Thousands of them peppered my back and legs.
“Agggh!”
I plunged toward the forest floor and gathered more power from the spiky force line. I used handfuls of the magik to remove all the prickly projectiles from my skin. This time, I’d make the approach to the castle in disguise.
O O O
“Delivery?” Massha asked, as the courtier leading me up the winding staircase to the Court Magician’s tower introduced me. She eyed me up and down without a hint of recognition. The page hadn’t known me, either. I had assumed the humble garb of a peddler’s boy, with a homespun tunic that drooped to my knees and a peaked hood so large that it covered most of my face. I held my bulging delivery bag out toward her. “I’m not expecting any deliveries, and I’m not paying any cash on delivery, pal. You can take that back where it came from.”
My former apprentice had not changed her attire or her attitude just because she had taken on a lofty position. She was as tough as an Impish bannock, at least on the outside. As it was high summer in Klah, which is to say that it wasn’t as cold as usual, she had on a pair of floaty blue trousers and an ornate vest to match that bared her entire midriff. She wore velvet slippers embroidered in gold with the queen’s crest. Her bright orange hair was pulled into a knot on the top of her head.
I pulled at my forelock, which I had made seem greasy and possibly infested with vermin.
“Your pardon, my lady, but it’s just a gift.”
“A gift?” Massha’s eyes widened. “Get out! Go away!” She twisted a ring on her finger, and the door slammed in our faces.
“Wait!” I shouted, leaping forward to pound on the door. “Massha, it’s me! Skeeve! Open up!”
Although his face twisted with revulsion at my oily and filthy appearance, the page darted his hands at me to pull me away from the Court Magician’s door.
“Guards!” he shouted.
I dropped my disguise in favor of another one. The page gawked and dropped to one knee. “My lord Skeeve the Magnificent!”
“It’s all right, Bodin,” I said, in the sepulchral tones I had used while wearing that face.
Massha flung open the door. She enveloped me in a crush of soft flesh.
“Skeeve! I am so glad it’s you!”
I dragged my face out of the expanse of her shoulder and gasped in a deep breath.
“What’s the matter? Why are you so afraid of gifts?”
She glanced at the page. “You can go, Bodin.”
“Yes, my lady.”
Massha beckoned to me.
“Come on in. I need a glass of wine. The lady has had a hard day.” The room had been redecorated since I had occupied it. It reflected Massha’s taste and comfort, with plenty of storage for her assorted magikal gear. She floated—Massha preferred to hover by means of a magikal bracelet than to walk, wherever possible—to a table set between a couple of big, overstuffed chairs. With a flick of her wrist, she made the diamond-cut carafe rise into the air and decant shimmering burgundy wine into a pair of colored goblets. Massha settled herself in the larger of the two seats. One of the glasses picked itself off the table and wafted toward me. “Bottoms up,” she said, hoisting her own drink.
Once the door closed behind me, I dropped my second disguise.
“Happy Affection Day,” I said, holding the bag of presents toward her.
Massha’s face paled.
“You—! You’re working for him?”
Her fingers trembled and faltered. Her wineglass dropped out of her hand. I dove forward, reaching out with a handful of magikal force to keep it from hitting the ground. Some of the wine splashed on my clothes, but to be honest, I think it improved them.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, handing her the glass. It was still about half full. I brushed at my front. “I know the outfit’s horrible, but it was Hugh’s idea.”
“Hugh?” Massha asked, weakly. She downed the wine and poured herself another. A little color returned to her broad face. “Hugh sent you? Not him?”
I hurried to sit down beside her.
“Of course he did. He’s worried about you. Now that I see you, I’m worried, too. What’s going on?”
“Oh, Boss!” she said, bursting into sobs. She buried her head on my shoulder and cried. Feeling helpless at the rain of tears pouring down my neck, I patted her arm.
“Wait a minute,” I said, sitting back as a thought struck me. “If you didn’t think Hugh sent me, who do you think did it? What is it you’re worried about? And why did the soldiers shoot at me when they saw me flying toward the castle? What’s going on?”
Massha sighed. She plumped back in her chair and threw her head against the pillow.
“You know I wasn’t a … spring chicken when you met me on Jahk, right?”
“Right,” I said. “I’m getting used to practically everyone I know having had a full life before I met them.”
She looked deeply into my eyes, as if trying to see if I was sparing her feelings. I wasn’t. I spoke the absolute truth. Almost everyone whose opinion I valued had lifetimes more experience than I did. Degrees of age, beauty, or physical impressiveness didn’t make much difference to me. After all, if beauty mattered, I wouldn’t have gone into partnership with a Pervect, who embodied more nightmare traits than most Klahds could handle without a flaming torch or a crossbow at hand. I hadn’t started out that way, but I had grown some wisdom in the past few years. I raised my eyebrows.
Massha smiled.
“You’re the greatest, Boss,” she said.
“Just tell me the whole story,” I said.
She shrugged her huge shoulders. “Not much to tell. I had some love affairs over the years. Most of them weren’t important. My track record wasn’t that great. But there was one guy, Shilldon. I fell hard for him. We learned magik together, which was great until it turned out I was a better magician than he was. He … wasn’t happy about that. I had a couple of good friends in those days. They didn’t like him, but I was absolutely crazy about him. I worshipped him. I thought we were meant to be together forever. So did he, or so he said.”
She paused and gazed toward the window. I noticed that the high, peaked casements had been shuttered and a board nailed across the heavy wooden blinds.
“What happened to him?”
“He … you don’t have to know the details,” she said. “I would rather not relive it. I was still in love with him, even though I knew I needed to get away. Those friends covered for me. I went to the far end of Jahk, where you met me. The team had an idea about my past. They said if Shilldon had ever shown up, they would beat the stuffing out of him if he laid a hand on me. Then, you took me on as your apprentice. That was the happiest day of my life until then. Up until I met Hugh.” Her hard expression softened into pink-cheeked tenderness. I would have melted into a puddle if any girl had ever aimed that sweet wistful face toward me.
“But you haven’t seen Shilldon in years,” I said. “What’s the problem?”
She floated up from her chair and sailed toward a small, black chest that was bound with bright copper bands. Through my inner eye, I saw that the metal shimmered with power. No one but Massha would have been able to touch it, let alone open it. She grabbed a handful of rolled parchments and brought them to me.
“He’s here! He’s been sending me messages. All the servants I asked say they didn’t bring them. They just turn up in my quarters or up here in the tower. It’s creeping me out.”
“They’re just letters,” I said. “Why do they scare you so much?”
“Shilldon and I swore eternal love to each other. That’s why I’ve been giving Hugh the cold shoulder about Affection Day. I’m afraid what would happen if someone hit me with a love arrow. And then you turned up with a bow. What can I do, Boss?”
I skimmed the scrolls. If I hadn’t known they were notes from a real person, I would have thought they were pages from the kind of steamy novel that Bunny liked to read during her off hours. “I can’t live without you!” “When you left me, my life was dreary, dark, over!” “Come back to me, so I can show you the true love that I know still burns within both our hearts!”
“Wow,” I said, handing them back. “Do you know where he is?”
Massha drew forth from her capacious bosom an amber crystal ball and held it on one meaty palm. It began to glow. Within, instead of a picture or mystic symbols, was a veil of cloud. Massha shook her head.
“He’s blocking me. That was one thing he could always do better than I could.”
I started to pace. The white bow hit me in the leg at every step.
“I don’t know. If a girl ran away from me, I’d assume she didn’t want to see me anymore.”
“That’s the difference between you and someone like Shilldon,” Massha said, watching me walk up and down. “You’d have let me go. It looks like he never gave up on getting me back. Once I was away from him, I saw how he had been keeping his thumb on me. I haven’t thought about him in years.”
“If that’s true, then why won’t you let me give you the gifts that Hugh sent you? I realize that the arrows are kind of barbaric.”
“They’re magikal,” Massha explained, drawing one from the quiver and examining it with an expert’s eye. “The legend is that they’ll guide you to your one true love. What if it’s not Hugh?” She shoved the arrow back into place.
I shook my head. “You’re the best and strongest couple I know. How could you even think he’s not your one true love?”
Massha crushed her hands together.
“But what if he’s not? I can’t tell you how I worshipped Shilldon. He’s charismatic and gorgeous. I couldn’t imagine my life without him—until the day that I could.”
“Did he ever shoot Affection Day arrows at you when you were with him?” I asked.
“No. Shilldon said it wasn’t necessary. He said we were fated to be together without little tricks.”
I smacked my fist into my other palm. “Maybe he was afraid to find out that you weren’t. Forgive me for saying it, because I am the last person you want to ask about relationships, but it sounds like you were fascinated and intimidated by him. Not in love.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. She dabbed at them with the edge of her filmy blue sleeve.
“Thanks, Boss.”
I toyed with the pink feathers.
“It sounds to me like the best thing you can do is let me use an arrow on you. Once you have it confirmed that your true love is Hugh, Shilldon will have to go away.”
She shook her head, wide-eyed.
“No. I can’t take that risk. What if the arrows say that Hugh’s not the one for me? I’d have to leave Klah. I couldn’t hurt him like that.”
“It would hurt him more if you went away. Let him fight for you. Let him take on this Shilldon.”
“No, way, Boss. He can’t fight a magician! That’s why … It’s killing me, Skeeve. I’ve got to end it. I just don’t know how.”
“Then, let me help,” I said. “Stay in here. Don’t let anyone else in.”
“How will I know it’s you?”
I grinned. “I’ll light a candle.”
O O O
Queen Hemlock of Possiltum looked me up and down with cool amusement. A woman in her early middle years with dark hair shot through with silver and possessed of an air that spoke of absolute authority, she sat, or rather, reclined, across the arms of her throne, with her gown hiked up to expose her legs. They were her best feature. At my request, she sent away all of her courtiers except for a handmaiden who filled the queen’s goblet with blood-red wine. She didn’t offer me any. I’d have been foolish to accept it if she had. We weren’t precisely friends, but we weren’t exactly enemies. At her side stood JR Grimble, Chancellor of the Exchequer and my former supervisor. He liked me even less than Hemlock did.
“You look stupid,” Hemlock told me.
“I know,” I said, with a shrug. “I am doing a favor for a couple of friends.”
“It’s a good thing few will recognize my former Court Magician,” she said, examining her nails. “To humiliate the office is to humiliate me. You’ve seen the inside of my dungeon, but I’ve added a few things since you were last in it. Would you like to test out some of the torture equipment? My jailors would love to try them on you.”
I waved a casual hand.
“I’ll skip the tour, your majesty. I’m just here to help Massha.”
That got her attention.
“In that getup? How?”
I glanced at the serving girl. “I’m reluctant to expose another magician’s secrets in front of … outsiders.”
“Enchant her as you please,” Hemlock said, with an offhand wave. The girl trembled and ducked her head. “Turn her into a statue. Just get on with it. I have an audience with a trade delegation shortly.”
I met the girl’s eyes.
“I won’t hurt you,” I said. “I’m just going to close off your ears for a few minutes.”
She nodded without saying a word. In my mind’s eye I saw the magik I sent her way packing a couple of big down pillows on either side of her head.
“Can you hear me?” I asked. Her wondering look told me she was puzzled as to where the sound had gone.
“Good,” Hemlock said, curtly. “Get on with it.”
I explained Massha’s situation. When I began to detail the story of the past love, Hemlock swung her legs around and set her fists on her knees.
“Where is the son-of-a-Deveel?” she demanded. “I’ll tear him to pieces. Show him to me!”
“I don’t know where he is,” I said. “He has to be in the castle grounds, if he’s been bringing her letters without anyone seeing him. She’s afraid for Hugh’s sake more than her own.”
“I wouldn’t expect less,” Hemlock said. “My Court Magician’s safety is vital to the safety of the kingdom. What do you want from me?”
“I want to draw him out,” I said. “Are you holding an Affection Day feast?”
“Are you kidding?” she countered, her face alive with scorn. “It’s a fake holiday so the merchants can make money. Even if my husband was still alive, I wouldn’t put the kingdom in debt for the sake of sentiment.”
“Is it worth it to keep your Court Magician and General of the Army happy?”
“Perhaps,” Hemlock said, narrowing an eye at me.
“No, Your Majesty,” Grimble said. He was a colorless bureaucrat who only elicited pleasure from an increasing bottom line and by thwarting anyone with imagination. “Such a feast would cost a significant amount of money. I can’t see any returns from such an outlay.” He glared at me. “Are you paying for it?”
I hesitated, long enough to make it look as though I was concerned about the cost.
“I’ll split it with you,” I said. I knew Aahz would take my hand off at the wrist if I paid for the whole celebration out of petty cash. I didn’t want to tell Grimble that M.Y.T.H., Inc. probably had more wealth stashed under the coffee table in our tent in the Bazaar than was in the treasury under the castle in which we stood. He’d twist the queen’s arm to make sure that I had to shoulder all expenses. “After all, this is in your interest as well as mine.”
Grimble and I stood eye to eye.
“You pay three-quarters.”
“Half,” I said. “I could drop my share to a flat nothing and walk away, but the outcome would probably involve your Court Magician leaving town. I’d welcome her back to M.Y.T.H., Inc. She might help you find a replacement before she went, but I doubt it.”
“Grimble!” Hemlock snarled.
“All right, half,” Grimble gritted through his teeth, as though I had just asked to cut out his internal organs. A herald, trumpet under his arm, marched in to announce her next visitors. “I want receipts!”
O O O
“Massha?”
I tapped on Massha’s door. Then, I recalled my own instructions. After years of practicing magik, I had developed an excellent visual memory. I pictured the inside of her study: the big easy chairs around the table with the wine carafe, the rank of chests that held her collection of magik items, the high work table covered with scrolls and small pieces of disassembled gizmos. In the middle of that was a tall, black iron candlestick with a fat white candle. I concentrated on it, willing the wick to kindle into flame. I breathed a wisp of power through the door.
There.
The door flew open. Her orange hair looking wilder than before, Massha grabbed my hand and dragged me inside. Aloft, she all but dragged me like the string of a rogue balloon across to the armchairs.
“Well?” she asked.
“Get dressed,” I said. “We’re going to a party.”
O O O
“This is a terrible idea,” Massha said. She had traded her harem pants and top for an embroidered brassiere and a long skirt of the floaty material in bright red. The skirt jingled around the waist and hem with dozens of little trinkets. Massha wore rings on every finger, bracelets and anklets and necklaces enough to sink a treasure ship, most of which gave off a hefty magikal buzz.
“It’s the only way,” I said. While she dressed, I had gone back to Valentinius’s shop in Deva and cut a few deals. Three of his helpers, wearing disguise spells to keep the servants and nobles from fleeing to the hills in terror at the sight of Deveels, put up pink, white, and red decorations and laid out tables with loads of inexpensive Affection Day trinkets. Aahz insisted on coming along.
“To protect my investment,” was the way he put it. To keep an eye on me, was far more likely. I also brought General Badaxe along, but only with a promise that he obey my instructions.
We joined the Queen on the steps of the castle keep. A crowd of townsfolk hovered at the gates, watching in wonder at the notion of a free party. Queen Hemlock never entertained. The tax funds that weren’t spent on necessary kingdom infrastructure went for her expansion plans of the border of the country. Hemlock wore a tightly kirtled red dress with a slit up the front of each thigh all the way to her waist.
Guido was up on the battlements. Nunzio was outside the gates, listening to the people and watching out for Shilldon. With Bunny’s permission, I’d reached out to Don Bruce for some of his other Enforcers. Instead of wearing their usual snappy suits, they wore the same tunics and hose to fit in with the locals.
“This is a terrible waste of money,” Grimble said, watching the crowd at the gate.
“It’s an investment in one of your key personnel,” Aahz said. I had left him untransformed. “That’s like saying you won’t fix the drawbridge because masons cost money.”
“The drawbridge won’t drink four tuns of wine. Four!”
“Six,” I said. “I want to make sure we have plenty. I don’t know how long it will take to smoke Shilldon out.”
Grimble was aghast. “Six! That’s not what we agreed. Take two of them back to the cellars!”
“Too late,” I said, cheerfully. “They’ve already been tapped.” I looked at the sky. The sun had sunk to the top of the peaked cylinder of the Magician’s Tower. “It’s time.”
Massha squeezed my hand.
“Hit it, Guido!” Aahz shouted. The huge Enforcer raised his hand to the armored man-at-arms on the battlement.
With a creak of long-suffering wood and metal, the portcullis lifted. All the nobility within a four-hour ride led the way on handsomely caparisoned steeds, but they were quickly surrounded and passed by the hordes of commoners making for the refreshment tables. Guido and the Enforcers, dressed to match the local Klahds, blended in with the visitors, looking for anything suspicious.
“You’re on, kid,” Aahz said, clapping me hard on the back.
I kicked my heels together, and the little wings lofted me upward. The crowd gasped and pointed. Some of them shrieked in terror, but most of them cheered for me. I held up my hands.
“Welcome to the Affection Day party!” I announced. “Thanks to the generosity of Her Majesty, Queen Hemlock of Possiltum, you’re invited to enjoy an evening of revelry, music, and dance.”
“And booze!” a man called from the midst of the crowd.
“Find that man and lock him up,” Hemlock said, with a bored wave of her hand. The guards pushed past her and into the heart of the throng. The man dropped his foolish grin and tried to get away, but the mob was too thick. He was dragged away by his heels, yelling and protesting. I watched in horror. The rest of the people didn’t seem unduly upset. They were used to their queen’s capricious temper.
“C’mon, kid!” Aahz growled.
I pulled my wits together. “Let the festivities begin!”
They all cheered again, and headed for the beer kegs, where kitchen servants were pouring mugs of pink Affection Day ale as fast as they could. The band, hired from the Wild Tonsil Inn in Winslow, struck up a fast reel. Girls dragged reluctant men into the open square and began to dance with them. Carny, a disguised Deveel who normally dealt cards in the Even-Odds, a gaming establishment in which I had had a financial interest, drew people into a lover’s quiz. Within minutes, he had managed to elicit blushes, indignant shouts, and laughter from his contestants and audience. Everyone seemed to be having a really good time, crowding together and having fun.
Satisfied, I settled back to the floor.
“That’s it for me,” Hemlock said, hoisting her heavy skirts in both hands. “I don’t intend to stand here and watch ugly peasants get plastered on my coin. I’m going inside. If any of the handsome ones drop out of the quiz, bring them to me. Grimble, keep an eye on everything. If anyone breaks anything, bill it to Master Skeeve.” She strode away.
“Yes, your majesty,” JR Grimble said, bowing and scraping. I had never been so glad to have left a job. I don’t know how I put up with working for Hemlock as long as I had.
Massha was tapping her foot to the music. I had to admit, the Winslovak band was good.
“I don’t see Shilldon,” she said in a low voice. “Or Hugh.”
“Hugh’s not here,” I said, tersely. “I’m here as his proxy.”
“Good,” Massha said, with a sigh. “I don’t want him to get hurt. This looks like it’s turning into a nice shindig. Want to dance, Boss?”
“No,” I said. “This party’s only a subterfuge. Setting it up was the easy part of my assignment. You’ve got the hardest part. Can you do it?”
She moved from foot to foot, but it wasn’t the music making her vacillate.
“Are you sure this is the only way to find Shilldon?”
“Yes. We’ve got to draw him out, and you’re the only bait we have. Are you ready?”
She squared her big shoulders. “I can do it.”
I had had Valentinius set up a small table all by itself at one side of the courtyard. It was bespelled with one of Massha’s aversion charms so none of the revelers would sit down at it. It had been placed deliberately so it fell into a gloomy shadow between the flickering light of the two nearest torches. With a great heave of her shoulders, she pushed her way past the dancers and musicians, and sat down heavily on one of the two stools. It groaned like a lost soul under her weight, but anything that drew attention to her was good.
She planted one elbow down on the small table.
And sighed.
And dabbed at her eyes with a dainty hanky.
And sighed again.
A server, hastily called into service by Aahz, sped to her side with a frothy-headed mug of Affection Day ale. Some of the pink liquid sloshed onto the tabletop. She ignored the beverage, except to draw little designs in the spill, concentrating on them.
I waited.
A cheer went up from the contest booth, where Carny had just drawn the winners of the first round of the True Confessions game. Massha watched them with an expression of woe. But no one came to sit down beside her. The revelers polished off their first mugs of ale and went back for refills, laughing and joking with one another. Young men and women paired off, then decoupled and found new partners. Where was Shilldon?
“Do you see him yet?” Aahz asked.
“No,” I murmured back, scanning the crowd. “But he could be disguised as anything.”
“Or nothing,” Aahz said, suddenly. “Watch Massha.”
I did. She raised her head and looked at me.
No, not at me. Her focus seemed to be much closer to her. Her eyes went wide with shock, and her mouth dropped open. She was frightened! I started toward her. Aahz pulled me back.
“No. Watch.”
I yanked my arm loose from his grasp, but I didn’t move.
Massha’s eyebrows went up, as though listening to a question. The corner of her mouth crooked upward, and she modestly dropped her gaze. Then she looked up toward me again. Her eyes darted from side to side as though studying something intently. Her lips parted slightly. One of her hands went forward and flattened on the table. She smiled.
“So that’s how he brought those love notes to her,” I said, enlightenment dawning. “He’s invisible!”
“That’s a tricky piece of magik,” Aahz said, with a critical glance. “How much power is he pulling down?”
I opened my mind’s eye and looked at the empty stool. Suddenly, I saw a shimmering outline of a large man.
“He’s there,” I said. “And there’s something really strange about him. It doesn’t look like a spell. He’s not pulling magikal energy from the force lines below the castle.”
“Has to be a device of some kind,” Aahz said. “A cloak or a ring.”
“She’s acting as if she can see him,” I said. “How can we be looking right through him if she can see his face?”
“That’s one sophisticated piece of hardware, whatever it is. I’ve read about items like that in the catalog from a Pervish manufacturer I know. Doesn’t come cheap. He’s been planning this for a long time. Massha’s in real trouble.”
I watched her, helplessly. If I hadn’t known better, I would say she was carrying on one half of a flirtation, one that was progressing steadily. She took a stray lock of her lank orange hair between thumb and forefinger and pulled it back over her ear.
“But what can he do? He can’t just sweep her out of here.”
“No, that’s the beauty of it,” Aahz said, narrowing his big yellow eyes. “He’s convincing her to go with him of her own free will. Look at her face.”
Since the Jahk was invisible, I could see right through him, in more ways than one. Even with Hugh Badaxe madly in love with her, Massha had admitted to me she’d never felt really attractive. To have someone who insisted that he couldn’t live without her had to be pretty overwhelming. Shilldon made her feel beautiful.
“I’m going over there,” I said. “I’m going to tear his cloak off and reveal him to everyone!”
Aahz clamped a scaly hand on my arm and hauled me back again.
“Calm down, kid,” he said. “There’s no way you can take him. This is a Jahk. He’s used to competing—and winning. And if he’s about Massha’s age, he has twice your experience, and probably a hundred magik items, all of which he’s an expert at using. And it looks like he’s charming as hell. She was scared out of her mind to meet up with him. Now she’s acting like a kitten. That’s a powerful personality. What do you have?”
I fumed for a minute on Massha’s behalf, then I stopped to think about it. Hard. Then, I smiled.
“I have you.”
He grinned, showing all of his four-inch pointed teeth.
“Right. That’s not all. You’ve got special abilities today. You’ve been sworn in as an Affection Day messenger. What’s that suggest to you?”
I clutched the bowstring that stretched from my chest to my hip.
“I can’t shoot him! What if he really is Massha’s one true love?”
He eyed me.
“And what do you really think the odds of that are? Think! She told you he never went through the Affection Day ritual with her. He said he didn’t need to. What’s that suggest to you?”
“That he’s sure it isn’t true,” I said. I eyed him, speculating. “Does the arrow really help you identify your real love, or just someone who could love you?”
“The effect’s temporary,” Aahz said, his voice a low, amused purr. “It just adds spice to the relationship. Do you think I’d be sending you out to a dozen honeys if I thought they’d all be coming for me at once?”
I felt my eyebrows rise. Then I reached for my bow.
“I think I have an Affection Day delivery to make.”
I marched across the crowded square. The dancing couples waved and smiled at me as I passed.
“Shoot us!” a middle-aged matron cried, crushing one of the disguised Deveels in a passionate embrace. The Deveel looked terrified. “He’s marvelous!”
“I’ll be back,” I said.
Massha glanced up at me as I approached. For just a moment, I saw the outline of a handsome face with a pronounced jaw, then it vanished.
“Skeeve, what are you doing?” she asked.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?” I asked, pointedly turning to the empty stool. In my mind’s eye, I could still see the outline of a body. It was much larger than mine, with shoulders twice as wide and hands the size of my head. I wasn’t going to let mere size intimidate me. Massha was counting on me!
“Um, sure,” Massha said. Her voice trembled. “Skeeve, this is Shilldon. He’s … he’s the love of my life.”
The face I had glimpsed appeared again. Shilldon wore a self-satisfied smirk. Even though I wanted to punch him out, I was struck by how absurdly handsome he was. I was good at spotting illusions, and this was no illusion. He had wide, chiseled cheekbones, a noble brow, clear green eyes, and a mouth that was at once masculine but soft. By comparison, he made me feel like a scarecrow, and the ridiculous messenger suit didn’t do anything to help.
“Nice to meet you, Shilldon,” I said. “When are you leaving Klah?”
The smirk broadened.
“As soon as I can convince this gorgeous lady to come with me,” he said. His hand appeared on top of Massha’s on the table. His fingers squeezed hers tightly—a little too tightly. “I’ve been searching for her for years.”
Massha’s mouth smiled, but her eyes screamed Get me out of this! I nodded to her reassuringly.
“That’s really nice,” I said. “But you know she’s married.”
“So what?”
Now I really wanted to kick him. I kept my tone friendly.
“If you really loved her, you’d pay attention to the way she wants to live. And that’s not with you, or wouldn’t she have stayed with you?”
“But she’s my true love,” Shilldon said, turning his handsome face to her. “The one that got away. I want her back. Isn’t that right, my darling? You’ve been waiting for me all this time, sad and lonely?”
Massha melted toward him longingly. Even I was beginning to be affected by his charm. It dawned on me that maybe that was being generated by a magikal gizmo, too.
“What if she doesn’t want you?” I asked.
“Of course she does!” he said. He looked deeply into Massha’s eyes. “Sweetheart, why don’t you throw this skinny pipsqueak over the wall, and we’ll go off and live happily ever after?”
Never breaking the intense gaze, my former apprentice flicked her wrist. A huge wave of energy hit me under the chin like an uppercut. I sailed upward toward the courtyard battlements, flying end over end.
I flapped my arms to stop spinning. It took me a moment to get my wits back and used a handful of magik to stop my outward trajectory. I hovered for a moment, working my jaw to make sure it was still intact. That blow had hurt! Shilldon was a master manipulator, getting Massha to attack me instead of doing it himself. That was it! He had to go.
I reversed my course and headed back toward him, under my own power this time.
“Hey, Shilldon,” I called. “Happy Affection Day!”
I pulled one of the pink-fledged arrows out of my quiver and nocked it to the bowstring.
Shilldon’s green eyes widened in horror. The face rose as if he sprang from his seat. Then he yanked Massha up and held her before him.
“You won’t shoot me,” he said. “You’ll hit Massha!”
The shadow figure I could only see in my mind’s eye huddled down behind her. Her broad body made a good shield. I could have moved around to the other side. But I was pretty sure I didn’t have to. He wasn’t in control of the situation. He’d have to peek out sooner or later to see what I was doing.
Wait for it, I told myself, the sharp string cutting into the joints of my fingers. Wait for it.… There!
I loosed. The arrow took Shilldon right between the eyes. He fell backward and measured his whole length on the cobblestones. The shaft of the arrow disappeared, and pink feathers floated down onto his face.
A billowing cloud of nothingness floated off his body, revealing a tall, muscular frame. So it had been a cloak! He tried to sit up, but I hovered over him and peppered him with more arrows.
“Let’s find you the real love of your life, or at least for tonight!” I said.
On the dance floor, a handful of girls and a few men stopped gyrating and looked around. All at once, they saw Shilldon.
“Oh, my God, he’s gorgeous!” a tall redhead shrieked. She abandoned her partner and ran toward Shilldon, her arms out. A black-haired beauty caught up and blocked her way.
“Don’t you dare touch him! He’s mine!”
“I want him!” a slender man dressed in pink Affection Day garb said, throwing himself at the prone Jahk. “He fell out of nowhere to be with me!”
In a moment, more than a dozen people were fighting over Shilldon, tearing at his clothes, covering him with kisses and caresses. He scrambled backward, trying to get away from them.
“Massha, help me!” he cried.
My former apprentice looked down at him. Her jaw set.
“No.”
Shilldon looked up at her in shock and disbelief. The mass of loving bodies covered him, hiding him from sight, weighing him down.
Bamf!
The would-be lovers collapsed to the ground. Shilldon was gone.
“He’s gone!” the redhead cried, feeling the empty cobblestones in vain.
“How could he leave me?” the black-haired woman wailed.
“You?” the slim man said, consumed by woe. “How could he leave me?”
I felt around the ground until I touched the edge of the unseen cloth and gathered it up. Having an invisible cloak might come in handy one of these days.
“Where did you learn to shoot like that, boss?” Massha asked.
“Hunting lizard-birds in the forest before I met Garkin,” I said. “If I wasn’t good, I didn’t eat.”
“Well, that was one lizard-bird I’m glad you shot,” she said. She glanced around, warily, but Shilldon was nowhere in sight. “I can’t believe that I ever thought he was the one. Do you think he’ll be back?”
“I doubt it,” I said. “He used you as a shield to protect himself. You know now that he’s a coward.” I pulled an arrow from my quiver. “Are you still afraid that he’s the one you’re really meant for?”
Massha smiled. “Not anymore. It’s Hugh, now and forever.” She pulled the sides of her red bodice apart, revealing an expanse of cleavage. “Hit me, boss. I’m ready.”
“Where’d she go?” Aahz asked, as I returned to the side of the dance floor. A serving maid offered him a bucket of pink ale. I dropped my hat on the table and propped my bow against the wall. The gems flashed on and off like lightning bugs, bathing us in pink, red and white light. The servant poured me a mug of beer.
“To the cottage,” I said. I took a long drink. My throat was dry. In spite of its bizarre color, the beer tasted pretty good. “Hugh’s been waiting there all evening. It almost killed him not to be here, but he’s a good general. He knows when to fight his own battles, and when to send out special forces instead. I doubt we’ll see them until morning.” I worked my jaw with one hand. It still hurt where Massha had struck me. “What a weird festival. No wonder Hemlock never celebrates it.”
“Nah,” Aahz said, taking a gulp of ale. “This is the best Affection Day I’ve ever seen.”
“Maybe one day I’ll have someone special to enjoy it with.”
Aahz clapped me hard on the back. “You already did, partner.”
“Huh?”
“You saved a friend from an abusive ex-lover. You helped her rekindle her romance, and that was a hot one already. If you can’t enjoy that, you’re hopeless.” He grinned. “And now Hemlock owes us a favor. It was worth the two or three gold pieces we had to kick in to make this work.”
“That’s right,” I said. All of the preparations had really worked out to almost nine gold pieces. I vowed to keep the other receipts out of Aahz’s sight when I squared up with Grimble. I stretched out my arms and yawned. “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. I think I’ll just go back to Deva and get some sleep.” I reached for the rest of my beer.
Aahz picked up my hat and set it on my head. He took the mug away from me and shoved the bow into my hand.
“No, you’re not,” he said. “You’ve still got a dozen deliveries to make for me before midnight. Get going!”
I tipped my glittering hat.
“Anything for a friend,” I said, before I bamfed out.
***