CHAPTER 10
Randolph ran in, dragging along what looked like a woman. He was holding her hand. Only, she wasn’t a woman, in the sense that I’d ever met one. Because she was metallic.
The Governor had been prepared. But Slinkie and I hadn’t been. We both stared. I felt my mouth go dry and realized my jaw was hanging open. So was Slinkie’s. I slammed mine shut and took the opportunity to gently close hers. She had soft, smooth skin, the kind you wanted to rub your whole body against, all the time.
She rammed her elbow into my ribs and I stopped stroking her face. I also focused back on the matter at hand. My Chief Mechanic had created his own Sexbot.
Audrey, as I knew we would all need to call her, wasn’t bad, all things considered. If you didn’t mind that she was sort of reflective, she was pretty nice to look at. Platinum blonde hair, done in a sort of wavy bob, hourglass figure, pretty face. She was in a white halter dress that went down to just under her knees.
Randolph beamed at us. “Everyone, this is Audrey.”
“We guessed. So, the auto-help program is, what, in Audrey’s brain?” I thought I was taking this very well.
Audrey smiled. It was eerie. Her teeth were also metallic. I figured I needed to have a serious talk with Randolph about what sexual acts to avoid, pronto. “In a sense, Captain.” Her voice was the same as always, calm and soothing. It still felt like nails on a chalkboard to me. “I am an expansion of the auto-help program. My Randolph has made many important enhancements, so I now have much more capability and can be a more full-fledged member of the crew.”
“We may have to pay taxes on her,” the Governor whispered. He was looking at the placard again. “Not sure if she falls under Herion’s definition of ‘creature’.”
“I’m so excited I almost can’t stand it. Audrey, please, have a seat. Randolph, can I have a word with you in private?”
Audrey settled next to the Governor, who didn’t seem to object. Of course not. He had the hottest humanoid woman and, I’d guess, the hottest robotic woman in the galaxy with him. How the old geezer always managed this, I never knew, and he never felt the need to share.
Made sure Randolph and I were in a corner of the bar, far away from anyone. “Are you out of your mind? How hard up are you? I mean, there are even sex partners for hire on Herion.”
“I didn’t help Audrey achieve her full personhood to have sex with her.” Randolph sounded offended.
“You don’t have or want to have sex with her?” I was now wondering just how far and how bad Randolph’s insanity went. Achieve her full personhood? Who said, let alone thought, things like that? Well, Randolph, clearly, but what normal person?
“Well, only when she wants to. I mean, I would never force myself on her. And, you know, there are times when it’s nicer to cuddle.”
Tried to think of when that would be. Came up blank. “You two cuddle? Isn’t she kind of… hard?”
“Well, I used an aluminum alloy from Quinsarti, which, when combined with…” Randolph was still talking. My mind shut off. He could go for hours about this. About ten minutes later he sounded like he was finishing up. “…and so, she’s supple, almost humanoid. We’re still discussing whether or not to put a skin on her or just let her stay metallic. It’s up to her, of course.”
“Of course.” I wondered what bizarre discovery I was going to make about the Governor and Slinkie next. Maybe they were passionate lovers. Maybe I’d let myself out of the airlock when we were in deep space if this were so. “So, how does the new Audrey help fly the ship?”
No sooner were the words out of my mouth than I literally knew what Randolph’s answer was going to be. “She can now function as a full copilot.”
“You mean she hooks into the main ship’s computer again and does her usual job?” It was worth a shot, after all.
“No. I mean she can actually fly. By sitting in the copilot’s seat. It’ll make things better—I’ll be able to stay in Engineering, Slinkie can stay in Weapons.”
“Randolph, the two of you never stay in your assigned seats. It’s sort of a given, our crew’s thing. You plop your butt into the copilot’s chair, Slinkie hangs around behind us. I’m used to it.”
“When Jack was copilot he sat in the chair.”
“Yeah. You’re talking about the guy I willingly turned in to the authorities on Omnimus because he was such a jerk he was stealing from all of us, as well as everyone else.”
“He did take the definition of pirating a little far, yeah.”
“I don’t miss having a real copilot.”
Randolph sighed. “Nap, I know you’re lying. You were really happy when Saladine was with us.”
“That has nothing to do with this.” I managed not to snarl. I was proud of myself.
“It’s not your fault he was killed, you know.”
“I don’t need a copilot. Are you insinuating that I need a copilot?”
“No.” Randolph was doing his best to sound soothing. “We’re the only ship to make it through to Herion in, what, the last six months. You’re the best pilot out there, we all know that. But even the best can use help. Audrey’s been your auto-helper for years now. She knows how you fly, how you like to do things.”
“Yeah? She know that I like to have warning of imminent destruction sooner than fifteen seconds?”
He coughed. “She was just asserting her sense of humor—she told me she would have shut things down before we self-destructed. I mentioned that, in the future, she should feel free to share without waiting to be asked.”
My head hurt. “So, your girlfriend is now going to be my copilot?”
“We’re engaged.”
I was proud of myself. I didn’t scream, I didn’t throttle him. I just nodded. “Wise. Get her off the market before someone with more to offer comes along.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He was serious. I wondered about the rumors that too much time out in space caused mental issues. I’d thought it was a load of droppings, myself, but Randolph was showing that it might possibly be true.
“By the way, why’d you put her in that dress?”
“Oh, the model I used wore that.”
“Huh. Well, she fills it out nicely.”
“I only make the best, Nap.”
“True. True.” The best Sexbot, the best case for insanity, the best example for why having a pleasure princess on staff would have been a wise choice, no matter what Slinkie’s opinion was. The list went on and on.
“So, what did you want to ask Audrey? About our getting off Herion safely, or whatever else your plan is?” Randolph asked this without any sarcasm.
I thought quickly. “Just wanted her thoughts. She might have picked up something from Herion’s Main Computer that could help us.”
Randolph beamed. “See? You’re already thinking of her as both a person and an important part of the team.” He hugged me. “You’re the best friend in the galaxy.”
I wondered how much a psychic scan would cost, and if it would outweigh the work needed to play along with Randolph’s scary delusions.
But I merely shrugged. “That’s me. The best.”
A heavy hand fell on my shoulder. “That’s what we’ve heard.” The voice was male, and one I didn’t recognize.