EVEN AFTER GETTING used to the madness that was the Bazaar at Deva, the streets of Perv were something to behold. For one thing, the Bazaar was primarily geared for pedestrian traffic, the Merchants’ Guild being strong enough to push through ordinances that favor modes and speed of travel that almost forced people to look at every shop and display they passed. My home dimension of Klah was a pretty backward place, and I had rarely seen a vehicle more advanced or faster than an oxcart.
Perv, on the other hand, had thoroughfares split between foot and vehicle traffic, and, for an unsophisticated guy like me, the vehicle traffic in particular was staggering. Literally hundreds of contraptions of as many descriptions jostled and snarled at each other at every intersection as they clawed for a better position in the seemingly senseless tangle of streets through which the torrent surged. Almost as incredible as the variety of vehicles was the collection of beasts which provided the locomotive power, pushing or pulling their respective burdens while adding their voices to the cacophony which threatened to drown out all other sounds or conversation. Of course, they also added their contribution to the filth in the streets and smells in the air. It might be the metropolitan home of millions of beings, but Perv had the charm and aroma of a swamp.
What concerned me most at the moment, however, was the foot traffic. Walking down the street on Perv was a little like trying to swim upstream through a logjam. I was constantly having to dodge and slide around citizens who seemed intent on walking through the space I was already occupying. Not that they seemed to be trying to hit me deliberately, mind you. It’s just that nobody except me seemed to be looking where they were going. In fact, just making eye contact was apparently a rare occurrence.
“This friend of yours must really be something for you to put up with this,” Kalvin commented drily.
He was hovering in the vicinity of my shoulder, so I had no difficulty hearing him over the din. I had worried about how it would look having a Djin tagging along with me, but it seems that while they’re under control Djins can only be seen and heard by their owner. It occurred to me that this was fairly magikal and therefore in direct contrast to the line Kalvin was selling me about how powerless he was. He in turn assured me that it was really nothing, simply part of a Djin’s working tools that would be no help to me at all. I wasn’t assured. Somehow I had the feeling he wasn’t telling me everything about his abilities or lack thereof, but having no way to force additional information out of him, I magnanimously decided to let it ride.
“He’s more than a friend,” I said, not realizing I was slipping into the explanation I had decided earlier not to give. “He was my teacher, and then my business partner as well. I probably owe him more than any other person in my life.”
“ ... But not enough to respect his wishes,” the Djin supplied carelessly.
That brought me to a dead stop, ignoring the crush and jostling of the other pedestrians.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, it’s true, isn’t it? This guy Aahz obviously wants to be left alone or he wouldn’t have walked out on you, but you’re determined to drag him back. To me that doesn’t sound like you really care much about what’s important to him.”
That hit uncomfortably close to home. As near as I could tell Aahz had left because I had been rather inconsiderate in my dealings with him. Still, I wasn’t going to turn back now. At the very least I wanted a face-to-face talk before I let him disappear from my life.
“He was a bit upset and throwing a snit-fit at the time,” I muttered, avoiding the question of my motives completely. “I just want him to know that he’s welcome if he wants to come back.”
With that I resumed my progress down the street. Half a dozen steps later, however, I realized the Djin was laughing ruefully.
“Now what?”
“Skeeve, you’re really something, you know?” Kalvin said, shaking his head. “Perverts ... excuse me, Pervects ... are feared throughout the dimensions for their terrible, violent tempers. But you, you not only describe it as a snit-fit, you’re willing to show up on Perv itself just to make a point. You’re either very good or an endangered species.”
It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn’t making as much use of my Djin as I might. I mean, he had said that one of the things he was good at was advice, hadn’t he?
“I don’t know, Kalvin. I’ve never had much trouble with them. In fact, one of the things Aahz told me was that Pervects manufacture and spread a lot of the bad rumors about themselves just to discourage visitors.”
“Oh, yeah?”
The Djin seemed unconvinced.
“Well, let’s see then. Could you share some of the things you’ve heard about this dimension with me?”
Kalvin shrugged.
“If you want. I remember hearing about how one of your buddy’s fellow citizens ripped off some guy’s head and spit down his throat ... literally!”
I ducked around a heavyset couple who were bearing down on me.
“Uh-huh, I heard the same rumor, but the one doing the ripping was a Troll, not a Pervect. Nobody actually saw that one, either. Besides, right now I’m more interested in information about the dimension than hearing tales of individual exploits.”
I thought I lost Kalvin for a moment when I flattened against a wall to avoid a particularly muscular individual and the Djin didn’t make the move with me, but when I stepped out again he was back in his now-accustomed place.
“Well, why didn’t you say so, if that’s what you wanted to hear?” he said as if there had been no interruption. “About Perv itself. Let me think. There’s not that much information floating around, but what there is ... Ah! Got it!”
He plucked a thick book out of thin air and started leafing through it. I was so eager to hear what he had to say that I didn’t comment on that little stunt at the moment, but I also vowed anew to inquire further into Kalvin’s meager powers when the opportunity presented itself.
“Let’s see ... Parts ... P’boscus ... Perv! You want the statistics or should I skip to the good part?”
“Just give me the meat for now.”
“Okay. It says here, and I quote, ‘Perv: One of the few dimensions where magik and technology have advanced equally through the ages. This blend has produced a culture and lifestyle virtually unique in the known dimensions. Perverts are noted for their arrogance, since they strongly believe that their dimension possesses the best of everything, and they are extremely vocal in that belief wherever they go. This is despite ample proof that other dimensions, which have specialized in magik or technology exclusively, have clearly surpassed Perv in both fields. Unfortunately, Pervects are also disproportionately strong and are notorious for their bad tempers and ferocity, so few care to argue the point with them.’ End quote.”
Coming from Klah, a dimension which excelled at neither magik nor technology, I found the write-up to be pretty impressive. Kalvin, on the other hand, seemed to find endless amusement in it.
“ ... Despite ample proof ... I love it!” he chortled. “Wait’ll the next time I see that blowhard.”
For some reason, I found this vaguely annoying.
“Say, Kalvin,” I said, “what does your book say about Djinger?”
“What book?”
“The one you ... ”
I took my eyes off the foot traffic and glanced at him. He was dusting his hands innocently. The book was nowhere in sight.
I was opening my mouth to call him on his little disappearing act when something piled into me and sent me careening into a wall hard enough to make me see stars.
“Where do you think you’re goin’, Runt?”
This last came from the pudgy individual I had just collided with. He had stopped to confront me and stood with his fists clenched, leaning slightly forward as if being held back by invisible companions. Fat or not, he looked tough enough to walk through walls.
“Excuse me ... I’m sorry,” I mumbled, shaking my head slightly to try to clear the spots that still danced in front of my eyes.
“Well ... watch it next time,” he growled. He seemed almost reluctant to break off our encounter, but finally spun on his heel and marched on down the sidewalk.
“You shouldn’t let that fat lug bluff you like that,” Kalvin advised. “Stand up to him.”
“What makes you think he was bluffing?” I said, resuming my journey, taking care to swerve around the other Pervects crowding the path. “Besides, there’s also the minor detail that he was big enough to squash me like a bug.”
“He raised a good point, though,” the Djin continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “Just where are we going, anyway?”
“Down the street.”
“I meant, ‘what’s our destination?’ I thought you said the phone book was no help.”
Despite its millions of inhabitants, the Pervish phone book we found had turned out to have less than a dozen pages. Apparently unlisted phone numbers were very big in this dimension, just one more indication of the social nature of the citizens. Of course, leafing vainly through it, it had occurred to me that Aahz had been with me off-dimension for so long that it was doubtful he would have been in the book even if it contained a full listing.
“I repeat, we’re going down the street,” I repeated. “Beyond that, I don’t know where were going. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Then why are we moving at all?” the Djin pressed. “Wouldn’t it be better to wait until we decided on a course of action before we started moving?”
I dodged around a slow-moving couple.
“I think better when I’m walking. Besides, I don’t want to draw unnecessary attention to us by lurking suspiciously in alleys while I come up with a plan.”
“Hey, you! Hold it a minute!”
This last was blasted with such volume that it momentarily dominated the street noise. Glancing behind me, I saw a uniformed Pervect who looked like a giant bulldog with scales bearing down on me with a purposeful stride.
“What’s that?” I said, almost to myself.
Of course, unlike the direct questions I had put to him, Kalvin decided to answer this one.
“I believe it’s what you referred to as ‘unnecessary attention’ ... also known in some dimensions as a cop.”
“I can see that. I just can’t understand what he wants with me.”
“What did you say?” the cop demanded, heaving to a halt in front of me.
“Me? Nothing,” I replied, barely remembering in time that he couldn’t see or hear Kalvin. “What’s the trouble, officer?”
“Maybe you are. We’ll see. What’s your name?”
“Don’t tell him!” Kalvin whispered in my ear.
“Why?” I said, the word slipping out before I had a chance to think.
“Because it’s my job to keep track of suspicious characters,” the cop growled, taking my question as being directed at him.
“Me? What have I done that’s suspicious?”
“I’ve been following you for a couple of blocks now, and I’ve seen how you keep swervin’ around folks. I even saw you apologize to someone and ... say, I’ll ask the questions here. Now, what’s your name?”
“Tell him to bag it!” Kalvin advised. “He doesn’t have a warrant or anything.”
“Skeeve, sir,” I supplied, desperately trying to ignore the Djin. All I needed now was to get in trouble with the local authorities. “Sorry if I’m acting strange, but I’m ... not from around here and I’m a little disoriented.”
I decided at the last moment to try to keep my off-dimension origins a secret. The policeman seemed to be fooled by my disguise spell, and I saw no point in enlightening him unless asked directly.
“You’re being too polite!” the Djin whispered insistently. “That’s what made him suspicious in the first place, remember?”
“Not from around here, eh?” the cop snarled. “So tell me, Mr. Can’t-Walk-Like-Normal-Folks-Skeeve, just where is it you’re from ... exactly?”
So much for keeping my origins a secret.
“Well, I was born on Klah, but lately I’ve been living at the Bazaar at Deva where I ... ”
“From off-dimension! I might have known. I suppose comin’ from Deva that you’re going to try to tell me you’re here on business.”
“Well, sort of. I’m here looking for my business partner.”
“Another one from off-dimension! Any more and we’ll have to fumigate the whole place.”
The cop’s mouth was starting to get on my nerves, but I thought it wise to keep a rein on my temper, despite the warning from Kalvin. “Actually, he’s from here. That is, he’s a Pervect.”
“A Pervect? Now I’ve heard everything. A fellow from off-dimension who claims to have a Pervect for a business partner!”
That did it.
“That’s right!” I barked. “What’s more, he happens to be my best friend. We had a fight and I’m trying to find him and get him to rejoin the company. What’s it to you, anyway?”
The cop gave ground a little, then scowled at me.
“Well, I guess you’re tellin’ the truth. Even someone from off-dimension could come up with a better lie than that. Just watch your step, fella. We don’t like outsiders much on Perv.”
He gave me one last hard glare, then wandered off, glancing back at me from time to time. Still a little hot under the collar, I matched him glare for glare.
“That’s better,” Kalvin chortled, reminding me of his presence. “A Klahd, huh? That explains a few things.”
“Oh, yeah? Like what?”
Like I said, I was still a little miffed.
“Like why we’ve been wandering around without a plan. You aren’t used to metropolises this size, are you?”
Mad as I was, I couldn’t argue with that. “Well ... ”
“If you don’t mind, could I offer you a little advice without your asking for it?”
I shrugged noncommittally.
“It’s obvious to me this little search of yours could take some time. It might be a good idea if we hunted up a hotel to use for a base camp. If that cop had asked where you were staying on Perv, things might have gotten a little awkward.”
That made sense. It also brought home to me just how much of a stranger in a strange land I was. On most of my adventures I had either slept under the stars or had housing provided by friends or business associates. Consequently, I had had remarkably little experience with hotels ... like none.
“Thanks, Kalvin,” I said, regaining a bit of my normal composure. “So how do you recommend we find a hotel?”
“We could hail a cab and ask the driver.”
Terrific. The Djin was being his normal, helpful self. I was beginning to feel some things weren’t going to change.