I ACTUALLY LIKED our new office facilities better than the old. Even though Aahz had argued hard to keep the Even Odds as a bar (read “money-making venture”), the rest of us ganged upon him and insisted that since we had an extra building it would make more sense to remodel it into offices than to keep trying to do business out of our home. I mean, who really needs a lot of strangers traipsing in and out of your private life all the time? That practice had already landed us in trouble once, and the memory of that escapade was what finally convinced my old mentor to go along with the plan.
Of course, remodeling was more of a hassle than I had expected, even after getting one of the local religious temples to do the carpentry. Even working cheap they were more expensive than I had imagined, and the hours they kept ... but I digress.
I had a large office now, with a desk, “in” basket, Day-Timers Scheduler, visitor chairs, the whole nine yards. As I said, I liked it a lot. What I didn’t like was the title that went with it ... to wit, President.
That’s right. Everybody insisted that since incorporating our merry band of misfits was my idea, I was the logical choice for titular head of the organization. Even Aahz betrayed me, proclaiming it was a great idea, though to my eye he was hiding a snicker when he said it. If I had known my suggestion would lead to this, believe me I would have kept my mouth shut.
Don’t get me wrong! The crew is great! If I were going to lead a group, I couldn’t ask for a nicer, more loyal bunch than the one currently at my disposal. Of course, there might be those who would argue the point with me. A trollop, a troll, two gangsters, a moll, and a Pervert ... excuse me, Pervect ... an overweight vamp, and a baby dragon might not seem like the ideal team to the average person. They didn’t to me when I first met them. Still, they’ve been unswerving in their support of me over the years, and together we’ve piled up an impressive track record. No, I’d rather stick with the rat-pack I know, however strange, than trust my fate to anyone else, no matter how qualified they might seem. If anything, from time to time I wonder what they think of me and wish I could peek inside their heads to learn their opinions. Whatever they think, they stick around ... and that’s what counts.
It isn’t the crew that makes me edgy ... it’s the title. You see, as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that being a leader was the equivalent of walking around with a large bulls-eye painted on your back. Basically the job involves holding the bag for a lot of people instead of just for yourself. If anything goes wrong, you end up being to blame. Even if someone else perpetrated the foul-up, as the leader you’re responsible. On the off chance things go right, all you really feel is guilty for taking the credit for someone else’s work. All in all, it seems to me to be a no-win, thankless position, one that I would much rather delegate to someone else while I had fun in the field. Unfortunately, everyone else seemed to have the same basic opinion, and as the least experienced member of the crew I was less adept at coming up with reasons to dodge the slot than the others. Consequently, I became the President of M.Y.T.H. Inc. (That’s Magical Young Trouble-shooting Heroes. Don’t blame me. I didn’t come up with the name), an association of magicians and trouble-shooters dedicated to simultaneously helping others and making money.
Our base of operations was the Bazaar at Deva, a well-known rendezvous for magic dealing that was the crossroads of the dimensions. As might be imagined, in an environment like that, there was never a shortage of work.
* * *
I HAD BARELY gotten settled for the morning when there was a light rap on the door of my office and Bunny stuck her head in.
“Busy, Boss?”
“Well ...”
She was gone before I could finish formulating a vague answer. This wasn’t unusual. Bunny acted as my secretary and always knew more about what I had on the docket than I did. Her inquiries as to my schedule were usually made out of politeness or to check to be sure I wasn’t doing something undignified before ushering a client into the office.
“The Great Skeeve will see you now,” she said, gesturing grandly to her charge. “In the future, I’d suggest you make an appointment so you won’t be kept waiting.”
The Deveel Bunny was introducing seemed a bit slimy, even for a Deveel. His bright red complexion was covered with unhealthy-looking pink blotches, and his face was contorted into a permanent leer, which he directed at Bunny’s back as she left the room.
Now, there’s no denying that Bunny’s one of the more attractive females I’ve ever met, but there was something unwholesome about the attention this dude was giving her. With an effort, I tried to quell the growing dislike I was feeling toward the Deveel. A client was a client, and we were in business to help people in trouble, not make moral judgments on them.
“Can I help you?” I said, keeping my voice polite.
That brought the Deveel’s attention back to me, and he extended a hand across the desk.
“So you’re The Great Skeeve, eh? Pleased to meet you. Been hearing some good things about your work. Say, you really got a great setup. I especially like that little number you got working as a receptionist. Might even try to hire her away from you. The girl’s obviously loaded with talent.”
Looking at his leer and wink, I somehow couldn’t bring myself to shake his hand.
“Bunny is my administrative assistant,” I said carefully. “She is also a stockholder in the company. She earns her position with her skills, not with her looks.
“I bet she does,” the Deveel winked again. “I’d love to get a sample of those skills someday.”
That did it.
“How about right now?” I smiled, and then raised my voice slightly. “Bunny? Could you come in here for a moment?”
She appeared almost at once, ignoring the Deveel’s leer as she moved to my desk.
“Yes, sir?”
“Bunny, you forgot to brief me on this client. Who is he?”
She arched one eyebrow and shot a sideways glance at the Deveel. We rarely did our briefings in front of clients. Our eyes met again and I gave her a small nod to confirm my request.
“His name is Bane,” she said with a shrug. “He’s known to run a small shop here at the Bazaar selling small novelty magic items. His annual take from that operation is in the low six figures.”
“Hey! That’s pretty good,” the Deveel grinned.
Bunny continued as if she hadn’t heard.
“He also has secret ownership of three other businesses and partial ownership of a dozen more. Most notable is a magic factory, which supplies shops in this and other dimensions. It’s located in a sub-dimension accessible through the office of his shop, and employs several hundred workers. The estimated take from that factory alone is in the mid seven figure range annually.”
The Deveel had stopped leering.
“How did you know all that?” he demanded. “That’s supposed to be secret!”
“He also fancies himself to be a lady-killer, but there is little evidence to support his claim. The female companions he is seen in public with are paid for their company, and none have lasted more than a week. It seems they feel the money is insufficient for enduring his revolting personality. Food-wise, he has a weakness for broccoli.”
I turned a neutral smile on the deflated Deveel.
“And that, sir, is the talent that earns Bunny her job. Did you enjoy your sample?”
“She’s wrong about the broccoli,” Bane said weakly. “I hate broccoli.”
I raised an eyebrow at Bunny, who winked back at me.
“Noted,” she said. “Will there be anything else, Boss?”
“Stick around, Bunny. I’ll probably need your help quoting Mr. Bane a price for our services ... that is, if he ever gets around to telling us what his problem is.”
That brought the Deveel out of his shocked trance.
“I’ll tell you what the problem is! Miss Bunny here was dead right when she said my magic factory is my prize holding. The trouble is that someone’s robbing me blind! I’m losing a fortune to pilferage!”
“What percentage loss?” Bunny said, suddenly attentive.
“Pushing fourteen percent ... up from six last year.”
“Are we talking retail or cost value?”
“Cost.”
“What’s your actual volume loss?”
“Less than eight percent. They know exactly what items to go after ... small, but expensive.”
I sat back and tried to look wise. They had lost me completely about two laps into the conversation, but Bunny seemed to know what she was doing, so I gave her the lead.
“Everybody I’ve sent in to investigate gets tagged as a company spy before they even sit down,” Bane was saying. “Now, the word I get is that your crew has some contacts in organized crime, and I was figuring ...”
He let his voice trail off, and then shrugged as if he was embarrassed to complete the thought.
Bunny looked over at me, and I could tell she was trying to hide a smile. She was the niece of Don Bruce, the Mob’s Fairy Godfather, and it always amused her to encounter the near-superstitious awe outsiders felt toward her uncle’s organization.
“I think we can help you,” I said carefully. “Of course, it will cost.”
“How much?” Bane countered, settling back for what was acknowledged throughout the dimensions as a Deveel’s specialty ... haggling.
In response, Bunny scribbled something quickly on her notepad, then tore the sheet off and handed it to Bane.
The Deveel glanced at it and blanched a light pink.
“WHAT!! That’s robbery and you know it!”
“Not when you consider what the losses are costing you,” Bunny said sweetly. “Tell you what. If you’d rather, we’ll take a few points in your factory ... say, half the percentage reduction in pilferage once we take the case?”
Bane went from pink to a volcanic red in the space of a few heartbeats.
“All right! It’s a deal... at the original offer!”
I nodded slightly.
“Fine. I’ll assign a couple of agents to it immediately.”
“Wait a minute! I’m paying prices like these and I’m not even getting the services of the head honcho? What are you trying to pull here? I want ...”
“The Great Skeeve stands behind every M.Y.T.H. Inc. contract,” Bunny interrupted. “If you wish to contract his personal services, the price would be substantially higher... like, say, controlling interest?”
“All right, all right! I get the message!” the Deveel said. “Send in your agents. They just better be good, that’s all. At these rates, I expect results!”
With that, he slammed out of the office, leaving Bunny and me alone.
“How much did you charge him?”
“Just our usual fees.”
“Really?”
“Well ... I did add in a small premium ‘cause I didn’t like him. Any objections?”
“No. Just curious is all.”
“Say, Boss. Would you mind including me in this assignment? It shouldn’t take too long, and this one’s got me a little curious.”
“Okay ... but not as lead operative. I want to be able to pull you back here if things get hairy in the office. Let your partner run the show.”
“No problem. Who are you teaming me with?”
I leaned back in my chair and smiled.
“Can’t you guess? The client wants organized crime, he gets organized crime!”
Guido’s Tale
“GUIDO, ARE YOU sure you’ve got your instructions right?”
That is Bunny talkin’. For some reason the Boss has deemed it wise to delegate to me her company for this job. Now this is okay with me, as Bunny is more than enjoyable to look at and a swell head to boot, which is to say she is smarter than me, which is a thing I do not say about many people, guys or dolls.
The only trepidation with which I view this pairin’ is that as swell as she is, Bunny also has a marked tendency to nag whenever a job is on. This is because she is handicapped with a problem, which is that she has her cap set for the Boss. Now we are all aware of this, for it was apparent as the nose on your face from the day they first encountered. Even the Boss could see this, which is sayin’ sumpin’, for while I admire the Boss as an organizer, he is a little thick between the ears when it comes to skirts. To show you what I mean, once he was aware that Bunny did indeed entertain notions on his bod, his response was to half faint from the nervousness. This is from a guy I’ve watched take on vampires and werewolf types, not to mention Don Bruce himself, without so much as battin’ an eye. Like I say, dolls is not his strong suit.
Anyway, I was talkin’ about Bunny and her problem. She finally managed to convince the Boss that she wasn’t really tryin’ to pair up with him, but was just interested in furtherin’ her career as a business type. Now this was a blatant lie, and we all knew it... even though it seems to have fooled the Boss. Even that green bum, Aahz, could see what Bunny was up to. (This surprised me a bit, for I always thought his main talent was makin’ loud noises.) All that Bunny was doin’ was switchin’ from one come-on to another. Her overall motivational goal has never changed.
The unfortunate circumstance of this is that instead of wooin’ the Boss with her bod, which as I have said is outstandin’, she is now tryin’ to win his admiration with what a sharp cookie she is. This should not be overly difficult, as Bunny is one shrewd operator, but like all dolls she feels she has limited time in which to accomplish her objective before her looks run out, so she is tryin’ extra hard to make sure the Boss notices her.
This unfortunately can make her a real headache in the posterior regions to work with. She is so afraid that someone else will mess up her performance record that she can drive a skilled worker such as myself up a proverbial tree with her nervous double-check chatter. Still, she is a swell doll and we are all pullin’ for her, so we put up with it.
“Yes, Bunny,” I sez.
“‘Yes, Bunny’ what?”
“Yes, Bunny, I’m sure I got my instructions right.”
“Then repeat them back to me.”
“Why?”
“Guido!”
When Bunny gets that tone in her voice, there is little else to do but to humor her. This is in part because part of my job is to be supportive to my teammate when on an assignment, but also because Bunny has a mean left hook when she feels you are givin’ her grief. My cousin Nunzio chanced to discover this fact one time before he was informed that she was Don Bruce’s niece, and as he has a jaw like an anvil against which I have had occasion to injure my fist with noticeable results, I have no desire to confirm for myself the strength of the blow with which she decked him. Consequently I decided to comply with her rather annoying request.
“The Boss wants us to find out how the goods of a particular establishment is successfully wanderin’ off the premises without detection,” I sez. To that end I am to intermingle with the workers as one of them to see if I can determine how this is bein’ accomplished.”
“And ...” she sez, givin’ me the hairy eyeball.
“... And you are to do the same, only with the office types. At the end of a week we are to regroup in order that we may compare observations and see if we are perhaps barkin’ up the wrong tree.”
“And ...” she sez again, lookin’ a trifle agitated.
At this point I commence to grow a trifle nervous, for while she is obviously expectin’ me to continue in my oration, I have run out of instructions to reiterate.
“... And ... ummm ...” I sez, tryin’ to think of what I have overlooked.
“... And not to start any trouble!” she finishes, lookin’ at me hard-like. “Right?”
“Yeah. Sure, Bunny.”
“Say it!”
“...And not to start any trouble.”
* * *
NOW I AM more than a little hurt that Bunny feels it is necessary to bring this point to my attention so forceful like, as in my opinion it is not in my nature to start trouble under any circumstances. Both Nunzio and me go out of our way to avoid any unnecessary disputes of a violent nature, and only bestir ourselves to bring such difficulties to a halt once they are thrust upon us. I do not, however, bring my injured feelings to Bunny’s attention, as I know she is a swell person who would not deliberately inflict such wounds upon the self-image of a delicate person such as myself. She is merely nervous as to the successful completion of the pending job, as I have previously orated, and would only feel bad if I were to let on how callous and heartless she was behavin’. There are many in my line of work who display similar signs of nervousness when preparin’ for a major assignment. I once worked with a guy what had a tendency to fidget with a sharp knife when waitin’ for a job to commence, usually on the bods of his fellow caperers. One can only be understandin’ of the motivationals of such types and not take offense at their personal foibles when the heat is on. This is one of the secrets to success learned early on by us executive types. Be that as it may, I am forced to admit I am more than a little relieved when it is time for the job to begin, allowin’ me to part company with Bunny for a while.
As a worker type, I report to work much earlier than is required for office types like Bunny. Why this is I am not sure, but it is one of those inescapable inequities with which life is fraught ... like your line always bein’ the longest when they are broken down by alphabet.
To prepare for my undercover maneuverin’s, I have abandoned my normally spiffy threads in order to dress more appropriate for the worker types with which I am to intermingle. This is the only part of the assignment which causes me any discomfort. You see, the more successful a worker type is, the more he dresses like a skid row bum or a rag heap, so that he looks like he is either ready to roll in the mud or has just been rolled himself, which is in direct contradiction to what I learned in business college.
For those of you to whom this last tidbit of knowledge comes as a surprise, I would hasten to point out that I have indeed attended higher learnin’ institutes, as that is the only way to obtain the master’s type degree that I possess. If perchance you wonder, as some do, why a person with such credentials should choose the line of work that I have to pursue, my reasons are twofold: Firstus, I am a social type who perfers workin’ with people; and second, I find my sensitive nature is repelled by the ruthlessness necessitated by bein’ an upper management type. I simply do not have it in me to mess up people’s lives with layoffs and plant shut-downs and the like. Rather, I find it far more sociable to break an occasional leg or two or perhaps rearrange a face a little than to live with the more long-term damage inflicted by upper management for the good of their respective companies. Therefore, as I am indeed presented with the enviable position of havin’ a choice in career paths, I have traditionally opted to be an order taker rather than an order giver. It’s a cleaner way to make a livin’.
So anyway, I reports for work bright and early and am shown around the plant before commencin’ my actual duties. Let me tell you I am impressed by this set-up like I have seldom been impressed by nothin’ before. It is like Santa’s North Pole elf sweatshop done up proper.
When I was in grad school, I used to read a lot of comics. Most particularly I was taken by the ads they used to carry therein for X-Ray Glasses and Whoopee Cushions and such, which I was unfortunately never able to afford as I was not an untypical student and therefore had less money than your average eight-year-old. Walkin’ into the plant, however, I suddenly realized that this particular set of indulgences had not truly passed me by as I had feared.
The place was gargantuous, by which I mean it was really big, and jammed from wall to wall to ceilin’ with conveyor belts and vats and stacks of materials and boxes labeled in languages I am not privileged to recognize, as well as large numbers of worker types strollin’ around checkin’ gauges and pushin’ carts and otherwise engaged in the sorts of activities one does when the doors are open and there’s a chance that the management types might come by on their way to the coffee machine and look in to see what you’re doin’. What was even more impressive was the goods in production. At a glance I could see that as an admirer of cheap junk gimmicks, I had indeed died and gone to pig heaven. It was my guess, however uneducated, that what I had found was the major supplier for those ads, which I earlier referenced, as well as most of the peddlers in the Bazaar who cater to the tourist trade.
Now right away I can see what the problem is, as most of the goods bein’ produced are of a small and portable nature, and who could resist waltzin’ off with a few samples in their pockets? Merchandise of this nature would be enough to tempt a saint, of
which I seriously doubt the majority of the work force is made up of.
At the time I think that this will make my job substantially easier than anticipated. It is my reasonin’ that all I need do is figure out how I myself would liberate a few choice items, then watch to see who is doin’ the same. Of course, I figure it will behoove me to test my proposed system myself so as to see if it really can be done in such a manner, and at the same time acquire a little bonus or two I can gloat about in front of Nunzio,
First, however, I had to concentrate on establishin’ myself as a good worker so that no one would suspect that I was there for any thin’ else other than makin’ an honest wage.
The job I was assigned to first was simple enough for a person of my skills and dexterity. All I had to do was sprinkle a dab of Pixie Dust on each Magic Floating Coaster as it came down the line. The major challenge seemed to be to be sure to apply as little as possible, as Pixie Dust is expensive even at bulk rates and one definitely does not want to give the customer more than they paid for.
With this in mind, I set to work ... only to discover that the job was actually far more complex than I had originally perceived. You see, the Pixie Dust is kept in a large bag, which floats because that is what the Pixie Dust within does. The first trick is to keep the bag from floatin’ away while one is workin’ with it, which is actually harder than it sounds because the Pixie Dust is almost strong enough to float the bag and whoever is attemptin’ to hold it down. There is a safety line attached to the bag as an anchor, but it holds the bag too high to work with. Consequently one must wrestle with the bag while applyin’ the Pixie Dust, a feat which is not unlike tryin’ to hold a large beach ball under water while doin’ needlepoint, and only rely on the safety line to haul the bag down into position again should it get away, which it often does. One might ask whyfore the line is not made shorter to hold the bag in the proper position and thereby make the job simpler. I suppose it is the same reason that working-type mothers will drown their children at birth if they feel there is the slightest chance they will grow up to be production engineers.
The other problem I encountered was one which I am surprised no one saw fit to warn me about. That is that when one works with Pixie Dust, it must be remembered that it floats, and therefore pours up instead of down.
When first I attempted to sprinkle a little Pixie Dust on a Magic Floating Coaster, I was puzzled as to why the coaster would not subsequently float. On the chance that I had not applied a sufficient quantity of the substance in question, I added some more ... and then a little more, not realizin’ that it was floatin’ up toward the ceilin’ instead of down onto the coaster. Unfortunately, I was bent over the coaster at the time, as I was tryin’ to keep the bag from floatin’ away, and unbeknownst to me the dust was sprinklin’ onto me rather than the coaster in question. The first admissible evidence I had that things was goin’ awry was when I noticed that my feet were no longer in contact with the floor and that indeed I had become as buoyant as the bag which I was tryin’ to hold down. Fortuitously, my grip is firm enough to crumble bricks so I managed to maintain my hold on the bag and eventually pull myself down the safety line instead of floatin’ to the ceilin’ in independent flight. Further, I was able to brush the Pixie Dust off my clothes so as to maintain my groundward orientation as well as my dignity.
The only thing, which was not understandable about this passing incident, was the uninvolvement of the other worker types. Not only had they not come over to assist me in my moment of misfortune, they had also refrained from making rude and uproarious noises at my predicament. This second point in particular I concerned myself with as bein’ unusual, as worker types are notorious jokesters and unlikely to pass up such an obvious opportunity for low amusement.
The reason for this did indeed become crystalline when we finally broke for lunch.
I was just settlin’ in to enjoy my midday repast, and chanced to ask the worker type seated next to me to pass me a napkin from the receptacle by him as it was not within my reach. Instead of goin’ along with this request as one would expect any civilized person to do, this joker mouths off to the effect that he won’t give the time of day to any company spy, much less a napkin. Now if there is one thing I will not tolerate it is bein’ called a fink, especially when I happen to be workin’ as one. I therefore deem it necessary to show this individual the error of his assumptions by bendin’ him a little in my most calm, friendly manner. Just when I think we are startin’ to communicate, I notice that someone is beatin’ me across the back with a chair. This does nothin’ to improve my mood, as I am already annoyed to begin with, so I prop the Mouth against a nearby wall with one hand, thereby freein’ the other which I then use to snag the other cretin as he winds up for another swing. I am just beginnin’ to warm up to my work when I hear a low whistle of warnin’ from the crowd which has naturally gathered to watch our discussion, and I look around to see one of the foremen ambling over to see what the commotion’s about.
Now foremen are perhaps the lowest form of management, as they are usually turncoat worker types, and this one proves to be no exception to the norm. Without so much as a how-do-you-do, he commences to demand to know what’s goin’ on and who started it anyway. As has been noted, I already had my wind up and was seriously considerin’ whether or not to simply expand our discussion group to include the foreman when I remember how nervous Bunny was and consider the difficulty I would have explainin’ the situation to her if I were to suffer termination the first day on the job for roughin’ up a management type. Consequently I shift my grip from my two dance partners to my temper and proceed to explain to the foreman that no one has started anythin’ as indeed nothin’ is happenin’ ... that my colleagues chanced to fall down and I was simply helpin’ them to their feet is all.
My explanations can be very convincing, as any jury can tell you, and the foreman decides to accept this one without question, somehow overlookin’ the fact that I had helped the Mouth to his feet with such enthusiasm that his feet were not touchin’ the floor when the proceedin’s were halted. Perhaps he attributed this phenomenon to the Pixie Dust which was so fond of levitatin’ anything in the plant that wasn’t tied down. Whatever the reason, he buys the story and wanders off, leavin’ me to share my lunch with my two colleagues whose lunch has somehow gotten tromped on during playtime.
Apparently, my display of masculine-type prowess has convinced everyone that I am indeed not a company spy, for the two guys which jumped me in such an unprofessional manner is now very eager to chat on the friendliest of terms. The one I have been referrin’ to as the Mouth turns out to be named Roxie, and his chair-swingin’ buddy is Sion. Right away we hit it off, as they seem to be regular-type guys, even if they can’t throw a punch to save their own skins, and it seems we share a lot of common interests ... like skirts and an occasional bet on the ponies. Of course, they are immediately advanced to the top of my list of suspects, as anyone who thinks like me is also likely to have little regard for respectin’ the privacy rights of other people’s property.
The other thing they tell me before we return to our respective tasks is that the Pixie Dust job I am doin’ is really a chump chore reserved for new worker types what don’t know enough to argue with their assignments. It is suggested that I have a few words with the foreman, as he has obviously been impressed with my demeanor, and see if I can’t get some work more in keepin’ with my obvious talents. I am naturally grateful for this advice, and pursue their suggestion without further delay.
The foreman does indeed listen to my words, and sends me off to a new station for the balance of the day. Upon arrivin’ at the scene of my reassignment, however, it occurs to me that perhaps I would have been wiser to keep my big yap in a closed position.
My new job really stinks ... and I mean to tell you this is meant as literal as possible. All I had to do, see, was stand at the end of a conveyor belt and inspect the end product as it came off the line. Now, when I say “end product,” this is also meant to be interpreted very literal-like. The quicker of you have doubtlessly perceived by now the product to which I am referrin’, but for the benefit of the slower readers and sober editors, I will clarify my allusions.
What I am inspectin’ is rubber Doggie Doodle, which comes in three sizes: Embarrassing, Disgusting, and Unbelievable. This is not, of course, how they are labeled, but rather how I choose to refer to them after a mere few moments’ exposure. Now since, as I have mentioned before, this is a class operation, it is to be expected that our product has to be noticeably different than similar offerin’s on the market. It is unfortunate that as the Final Inspector, I must deal with the finished product, which means before it goes into the boxes, but after the “Realistic, Life-like Aroma that Actually Sticks to Your Hands” is added.
It is also unfortunate that I am unable to locate either the foreman or the two jokers who had advised me for the rest of the afternoon. Of course, I am not permitted the luxury of a prolonged search, as the conveyor belt continues to move whether the inspector is inspectin’ or not, and in no time at all the work begins to pile up. As I am not particularly handy with a shovel, I deem it wisest to continue workin’ and save our discussion for a later, more private time.
Now mind you, the work doesn’t really bother me all that much. One of the chores me and Nunzio toss coins over back home is cleanin’ up after the Boss’s dragon, and after that, Doggie Doodle really looks like a bit of an understatement, if you know what I mean. If anything, this causes me to chuckle a bit as I work, for while I am on assignment Nunzio must do the honors all by himself, so by comparison my end of the stick looks pretty clean. Then too, the fact that Roxie and Sion is now playin’ tricks on me is a sign that I am indeed bein’ accepted as one of the worker types, which will make my job considerably easier.
The only real problem I have with my assignment is that, considerin’ the product with which I am workin’, I feel it would be unwise to test the security-type precautions when I leave work that night. Even if I wished to liberate a few samples, which I was not particularly desirous of doin’ since as I have noted we already have lots at home of a far superior quality, the “Realistic, Life-like Aroma that Really Sticks to Your Hands” would negate its passin’ unnoticed by even the densest security-type guard.
As it turns out, this was a blessin’ incognito. When closin’ time finally rolls around, I discover that it would not be as easy to sneak stuff out of this plant as I had originally perceived. Everything the worker types took out of the plant with ‘em was given the once and twice over by hard-eyed types who definitely knew what they were doin’, and while we didn’t have to go through a strip search, we did have to walk one at a time through a series of alarm systems that used a variety of rays to frisk us for objects and substances belongin’ to the company. As it was, I almost got into trouble because there were still lingerin’ specks of Pixie Dust on me from my morning duties, but Roxie stepped forward and explained things to the guards that was rapidly gatherin’ and they settled for reclaimin’ the Pixie Dust without things gettin’ too personal.
This settled things between me and Roxie for the Doggie Doodle joke, and after I bounced Sion against a wall a few times to show my appreciation for his part in the prank, we all went off in search of some unprintable diversions.
Now if this last bit seems, perchance, a little shallow to you, you must first consider the whole situational before renderin’ your verdict. I think it’s been referenced before that the factory under investigation is located in one of those unlisted dimensions the Deveels specialize in. As the only way into this dimension from the Bazaar is through the owners front-type operation, and as he is not wild about the notion of hundreds of worker types traipsin’ through his office each shift, part of the contract for workin’ in said factory is that one has to agree to stay in this unlisted dimension for a week at a time. To this end, the owner has provided rooms for the worker types, but as he is cheap even for a Deveel, each room is shared by bein’s workin’ different shifts. That is to say, you only have your room for one shift, and the rest of the time you’re either workin’ or hangin’ out. Just so’s we don’t get bored between workin’ and sleepin’, the owner has also provided a variety of bars, restaurants, movies, and video joints for our amusement, all of which cost but can be charged back against our paychecks. If this seems like a bit of a closed economy to you, I would hasten to remind you that no one has ever accused the Deveels of be in’ dumb when it comes to turnin’ a profit. Anyway, all of this is to explain why it is that I am forced to go carousin’ with Roxie and Sion instead of retirin’ to my room to reread the classics as would be my normal bent.
Now to be truthful with you, this carryin’ on is not nearly so bad as I am lettin’ on. It is simply that it is embarrassin’ to my carefully maintained image to admit how really dull these evenings was, so’s I reflexively sort of try to build them up more than I should. I mean, you’d think that off hours with a bunch of guys what work at a magic joke and novelty factory would be a barrel of laughs. You know, more fun than callin’ in phony heist tips to the cops. Well, they surprised me by con ten tin’ themselves to drinkin’ and gamblin’ and maybe a fistfight or two for their amusements ... like I say, the same old borin’ stuff any good-natured bunch of guys does. Mostly what they do is sit around and gripe about the work at the plant and how underpaid they are ... which I do not pay much attention to as there is not a worker type alive that does not indulge in this particular pastime. In no time flat I determines that nobody in the work force is well enough versed in the finer points of non-backer entrepreneurmanship, which is to say crime, to converse with me on my own level. This is not surprisin’ in this age of specialization, but it does mean I don’t get nobody to talk to.
What I am gettin’, though, is depressed ... a feelin’ which continues to grow as the week rolls on. It is not the work or the company of the worker types, which is erodin’ at my morale, but rather the diminishin’ possibility of puttin’ a wrap on this job.
It seems the more I observe in my undercover-type investigation, the more puzzled I become as to how the pilferage is bein’ accomplished. The better I get to know my fellow worker types, the more I am convinced that they are not involved in any such goin’s on, even in a marginal manner. This is not to say that they are lackin’ in the smarts department, as they are easily as quick on the uptake as anyone I ever worked with in school or the business. Rather, I am makin’ a tribute to the tightness of the plant security, which must necessarily be penetrated in order to perpetrate such an activity.
As I have earlier said, this is an age of specialization, and none of the worker types I meet have adequately applied themselves to be able to hold a candle to me in my particular field of endeavor. Now realizin’ that after a week of intense schemin’, I have not yet come up with a plan for samplin’ the merchandise that I feel has enough of a chance of succeedin’ as to make it worthwhile to try, I cannot convince myself that the security can be cracked by any amateur, however talented.
Considerin’ this, I am edgin’ closer to the unpleasant conclusion that not only is it long odds against us findin’ a fast answer, there is a chance we might not be able to crack this case at all. Such thoughts cause me great anxieties, which lead to depression, as I am as success-oriented as the next person.
My mood truly bottoms out at the end of the week, specifically when I am presented with my paycheck. Now, I am not countin’ on the money I earn as a worker type, as I am already bein’ well subsidized by the Boss. Nonetheless I am surprised to see the amount my weeks’ worth of toil has actually brought me. To be truthful, I have again yielded to the temptation of understatement. I was not surprised, I was shocked ... which is not a good thing for, as anyone in the Mob can tell you, when I am shocked I tend to express the unsettlement of my nerves physically.
The fact that I am not needin’ the money in question means that I was only a little shocked, so it only took three of my fellow worker types to pull me off the payroll type what slipped me the bad news. Of course, by that time I had also been hit by a couple of tranquilizer darts, which I am told is standard issue for most companies in the Bazaar to ease personnel relations. If, perchance, your company does not already follow this policy, I heartily give it my recommend, as it certainly saves depreciation on your payroll types and therefore minimizes the expense of trainin’ new ones.
Anyway, once I am calmed down to a point where I am merely tossin’ furniture and the payroll type has recomposed himself, which is to say he has received sufficient first aid to talk, he explains the realities of life to me. Not only has the cost of the aforementioned carousin’ been deducted from my earnin’s, but also charges for my room which, realizin’ the figure quoted only represents a third of the take on that facility, puts it several notches above the poshest resort it has ever been my decadent pleasure to patronize. Also there is an itemized bill for every bit or scrap of waste that has occurred at my duty station durin’ the week, down to the last speck of Pixie Dust. Normally I would be curious as to how this accountin’ was done, as it indicates a work force in the plant even more efficient than the security types which have been keepin’ me at bay, but at the time I was too busy bein’ outraged at bein’ charged retail instead of cost for the materials lost.
All that keeps me from truly expressin’ my opinion of the situation is that Roxie explains that I am not bein’ singled out for special treatment, but that this is indeed a plant-wide policy which all the worker types must suffer. He also points out that the cost of the first aid for the Payroll type is gonna be charged against my paycheck, and that what I have left will not be sufficient for me to indulge myself in another go ‘round,
Thus it is that I am doubly disheartened when I hook up with Bunny for our weekly meetin’ and debriefin’, bein’ as how I am not only a failure but a poor failure which is the worst kind to be.
“Guido, what’s wrong?” she sez when we meet. “You look terrible!”
As I have said, Bunny is a swell head, but she is still a skirt, which means she has an unerring instinct for what to say to pick a guy up when he’s under the weather.
“I am depressed,” I sez, since she wasn’t around when I explained it to you. “The workin’ conditions at the plant are terrible, especially considerin’ the pay we aren’t getting’.”
At this, Bunny rolls her eyes and groans to express her sympathy.
“Oh, Guido! You’re talking just like a ... what is it that you call them? Oh, yes. Just like a worker type.”
“That’s ‘cause I am a worker type!”
This earns me the hairy eyeball.
“No, you’re not,” she sez real hard-like. “You’re an executive for M.Y.T.H. Inc. here on an investigation. Now quit being negative and let’s talk about the job.”
It occurs to me that she has a truly unusual concept of how to avoid negative thinkin’,
“Suit yourself,” I sez, givin’ her my best careless shrug like I usually save for court performances. “As far as the job goes, I am truly at a dead end. After a week I have discovered nothin’ and don’t have the foggiest where to look next.”
“Good!” she sez, breakin’ into a smile which could melt an iceberg, of which there are very few at the Bazaar with which I could test my hyperbole. Naturally I am surprised.
“Perhaps my small-but-normally-accurate ears are deceivin’ me, Bunny. Did I understand you to say that it’s a good thing that I am gettin’ nowhere in my investigations?”
“That’s right. You see, I think I’m on to something at my end, and if you’re coming up empty in the plant, maybe you can help me with my theories! Now here’s what I want you to do.
* * *
FOLLOWIN’ BUNNY’S SUGGESTION, I start out the next week by bracin’ the foreman to reassign me to work in the warehouse on inventory. At first he is reluctant, as he does not like worker types tellin’ him his job, but after I point out to him how small the hospitalization benefits provided by the owner really are, he becomes far more reasonable.
All I have to do to give Bunny the support she requests is to double-check the materials comin’ into the plant, and send her an extra copy of each day’s tally in the inter-office mail. This pleases me immensely, as it is not only easy work, it also gives me substantial amounts of free time with which I can pursue a project of my own.
You see, I am still more than a little steamed over the hatchet job, which was performed upon my paycheck. I therefore take it upon myself to commence conductin’ my own unofficial survey as to workin’ conditions around the plant, and since my eye has the benefit of business school trainin’, which most of the workin’ types have not bothered with, it becomes rapidly apparent that the situational stinks worse than the Doggie Doodle did.
Just as an example, the plant has made a practice of hirin’ all sorts of bein’s, many of which is extremely difficult to describe without getting’ vulgar. Now this is not surprisin’ considerin’ the Bazaar is the main source for their recruitin’, but it makes for some teeth-grindin’ inequalities in the pay scales.
Before the wrong idea is given, let me elucidate for a moment on the point of view I am comin’ from. I personally don’t care much who or what is workin’ next to me as long as they can carry their share of the job. You will notice I have not even mentioned that Roxie is bright orange and Sion is mauve, as I feel this has nothin’ to do with my assessment of their personalities or their abilities. I will admit to bein’ a little uneasy around bein’s what got more arms or legs than I do, but this is more a professional reaction, since should the occasion arise that we might have a difference of opinion, my fightin’ style is intended for opposition what can throw the same number of punches and kicks per side as I can, and a few extra fists can make a big difference. But, as I say, this is more a professional wariness than any judgment on their overall worth as bein’s, I only mention this on the off chance that some of my remarks about strange bein’s might be taken as bein’ pergerdous, a rap of which I have never been convicted. I am not that sort of person.
As I was sayin’, though, the plant has lots of strange bein’s workin’ the line. The indignity of the situation, however, is that even though they got these extra arms and in some cases is doin’ the work of several worker types, they is gettin’ paid the same as anyone else. While to some this might seem unfair to the ones bein’ so exploited, I see it as a threat to the worker types with the usual count of arms and legs, as it will obviously save the company significant cost if they can hire as many of the former as possible, whilst layin’ off a disproportionate number of the latter.
Another inequality I observe concerns the security types which I have been unable to circumvent. Now this has been a source of curiosity to me since I first arrived at the plant, since it doesn’t take an accountin’ whiz to figure out that if the plant is payin’ the security types what they’re worth, their cost should be substantially more than would seem economically wise. I chance across the answer one time when I happen to eavesdrop on a couple off-duty lunchin’ security types who are gripin’ about their jobs. It seems that they are underpaid as much as us workin’ types, despite the fact that they are safeguardin’ stuff worth millions! While this is doubtlessly unfair, I do not include it in my notes because I have found that it is not only not unusual, but is actually customary for plants or societies to underpay their guardian types. I suppose that as bonkers as it seems, this is in actuality the way things should be. If guardian types made a decent wage, then criminal types like me would go into that line of work as it has better hours and better retirement benefits than the career path I am currently pursuin’, and if there was no crime there would be no need for guardian types and we would all end up unemployed. Viewin’ it that way, the status quo is probably for the best.
Anyway, I continues to keep my eyes and ears open until I feel I have gathered sufficient injustices to make my point, then I wait for the right moment to present my findin’s. This proves to be no great test of my patience, since, as I have noted, the worker types love to gripe about their jobs and tonight proves to be no exception to this rule.
“What do you think, Guido?” Roxie sez, turnin’ to me. “Do the guys workin’ the Dribble Toilets have it worse than the ones workin’ the Battery-Operated Whoopee Cushions?”
I make a big show of thinkin’ hard before I give my answer.
“I think,” I sez carefully, “that if brains was dynamite, the whole plant wouldn’t have the powder to blow its nose.”
It takes him a minute to get my drift, but when he does, his eyes go real mean.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I mean I’ve been sittin’ here listenin’ to you guys bellyache for nearly two weeks now, and ain’t none of youse heard a thing that’s goin’ on.”
“All right, Mr. Doggie Doodle, if you’re so smart why don’t you tell all of us who have been workin’ here for years what it is you’ve learned in a whole two weeks.”
I choose to ignore the Doggie Doodle crack, as there are now several tables of worker types listenin’ to our conversation and I’m afraid I’ll lose their attention if I take the time to bust Roxie’s head.
“Youse guys spend all your time arguin’ about who’s gettin’ honked the worst, and in the meantime you’re missin’ the point. The point is that you’re all gettin’ the Purple Shaft.”
With that I commences to itemize a dozen or so of the more reprehensible examples of the exploitation of worker types I have noted in my investigation. By the time I am done, the whole bar is listenin’, and there is an ugly murmur goin’ around.
“All right, Guido. You’ve made your point,” Roxie sez, tryin’ to take another swallow of his drink before he realizes that it’s empty. “So what are we supposed to do about it? We don’t set company policy.”
I shows him the smile that makes witnesses lose their memories.
“We don’t set company policy, but we do decide whether or not were gonna work for the wages offered in the conditions provided.”
At this, Roxie lights up like he just won the lottery.
“That’s right!” he sez. They control the plant, but without us workers there won’t be no Doggie Doodle to ship!”
The crowd is gettin’ pretty worked up now, and there’s a lot of drink buyin’ and back slappin’ goin’ on when someone just has to raise a discouragin’ word.
“So what’s to stop ‘em from just hiring a new work force if we hold out?”
That is Sion talkin’. As you may have noticed, he don’t mouth off near as much as Roxie does, but when he opens up, the other worker types are inclined to listen. This time is no exception, and the room starts to quiet down as the worker types try to focus on this new problem.
“C’mon, Sion,” Roxie sez, tryin’ to laugh it off. “What idiots would work for these wages under these conditions?”
“Roxie, we’ve been doing just that for years! I don’t think they’ll have any more trouble finding a new work force than they had finding the old one.”
I decided it was time I took a hand in the proceedin’s.
“There are a few things you are overlookin’, Sion,” I sez. “First off, it will take time to hire and train a new work force, and durin’ that time the plant ain’t producin’ Doggie Doodle to sell, “which means the owner is losin’ money which he does not like to do.”
Sion just shrugged at that one.
“True enough, but he’d probably rather take the short-term loss of a shutdown than the long-term expense of giving us higher wages.”
“Which brings up the other thing you’re overlookin’.”
“Which is?”
“There is one intolerable workin’ condition a new work force would have to endure that we haven’t ... to wit, us! We don’t have to get past us to come to work each mornin’, and whilst the security types are aces at guardin’ a plant, it is my best appraisal that they would not be able to provide bodyguard service for an entire new work force.”
This seemed to satisfy the objection in question, and we then got down to workin’ out the details, for while from the outside it may seem simple to organize a labor movement, there is much to be planned before any thin’ can actually be set into motion. The other two shifts had to be brought on board and a list of demands agreed upon, not to mention the buildin’ of a contingency fund in case the other side wanted to try starvin’ us out.
A lot of the guys wanted me to run the thing, but I felt I could not accept in clear consciousness and successfully proposed Roxie for the position. The alibi I gave is that the worker types should be represented by someone who has more than two weeks’ experience on the job, but in reality I wasn’t sure how much longer I had before the Boss pulled me back to my normal duties and I did not want the movement to flounder from havin’ its leader disappear sudden like. The chore I did volunteer for was givin’ lessons in how to handle any outsiders the plant tried to hire, as most of the current worker types did not know a sawed-off pool cue from a tire iron when it came to labor negotiations.
Between workin’ in the warehouse and helpin’ with the movement, I was so busy I almost missed my weekly meetin’ with Bunny. Fortuitously I remembered, which is a good thing as Bunny is a doll and no doll likes to be forgotten.
“Hi, Babe!” I sez, givin’ her one of my seediest winks. “How’s it goin’?”
“Well, you’re sure in a chipper mood,” she sez, grinnin’ back at me. “I thought I’d have good news for you, but I guess you already heard.”
“Heard? Heard what?”
“The assignment’s over. I’ve cracked the case.”
Now this causes me a little guilt and embarrassment, as I have not thought about our assignment for days, but I cover for it by actin’ enthusiastic instead.
“No foolin’? You found out how the stuff is bein’ liberated?”
“Well, actually it turns out to be a case of embezzlement, not pilferage. One of the Deveels in Accounting was tinkering with the receiving records and paying for more than was coming in at the shipping dock.”
“Bunny,” I sez, “try to remember that my degree is not in accounting. Could you perhaps try to enlighten me in baby talk so’s I can understand the nature of the heist?”
“Okay. When we buy the raw materials, each shipment is counted and a tally sent to Accounting. That tally determines how much we pay to our supplier, as well as alerting us as to how much raw material there is in inventory. Now our embezzler had a deal going with the suppliers to bill us for more material than we actually received. He would rig the receiving tallies to tie out to the overage, pay the supplier for goods they never shipped, and then split the extra money with them. The trouble was that since the same numbers were used for the inventories, the records showed that there were more goods in inventory than were actually there, so when the plant came up short, the owner thought the employees were stealing from him. The missing goods weren’t being pilfered; they were never in the plant at all!”
I gave a low whistle of appreciation.
“That’s great, Bunny! The Boss’ll be real proud of you when he hears.”
That actually made her blush a little.
“I didn’t do it all by myself, you know. I wouldn’t have been able to prove anything if you hadn’t been feeding me duplicate records on the side.”
“A mere trifling,” I sez expansively. “I for one am goin’ to make sure the Boss knows just what a gem he has workin’ for him so’s you get your just esteem in his eyes.”
“Thanks, Guido,” she sez, layin a hand on my arm. “I try to impress him, but sometimes I think ...”
She breaks off and looks away, and it occurs to me that she is about to commence leakin’ at the eyes. In an effort to avert this occurrence, which will undoubtedly embarrass us both, I wrench the conversation back to our original topic.
“So what are they goin’ to do with this bum now that you caught him?”
“Nothing.”
“Say what?”
“No, that’s not right. He’s going to get a promotion.”
“Get outta here!”
She turns back, and I can see she’s now got an impish grin on, which is a welcome change.
“Really. It turns out he’s the owner’s brother-in-law. The owner is so impressed with the smarts it took to set up this scam that he’s giving the little creep a higher position in the organization. I guess he wants him stealing for the company instead of from it.”
It takes me several moments to realize that my normally agile mouth is stuck in the open position.
“So where does that leave us?” I manage at last.
“With a successful investigation under our belts along with a fat bonus for resolving the thing so fast. I’ve got a hunch, though, that part of that bonus is gag money to ensure we don’t spread it around that the owner was being flimflammed by his own brother-in-law.”
Now I am indeed glad that we have resolved the pilferage assignment without implicatin’ any of the worker types I have been buddies with, but at the same time I am realizin’ that with the job over, I will not be around to help them out when the Doggie Doodle hits the fan.
“Well, that’s that, I guess. We’d better report in to the Boss and see what’s been happenin’ while we’ve been gone.”
“Is something wrong, Guido? You seem a little down.”
“Aaah! It’s nothin’, Bunny. Just thinkin’ that I’ll miss some of the guys back at the plant, is all.”
“Maybe not,” she sez, real mysterious like.
Now it’s my turn to give her the hairy eyeball.
“Now, Bunny,” I sez, “if you’ve got sumpin’ up your sleeve other than lint, I would suggest you share it with me. You know I am not good when it comes to surprises.”
“Well, I was going to wait until we got back home, but I suppose it won’t hurt to give you a preview.”
She looks around like there might be someone listenin’ in, then hunches forward so I can hear her whisper.
“I picked up a rumor back at the plant office that there may be a union forming at the magic factory. I’m going to suggest to Skeeve that we do a little prospecting ... you know, put in a bid. Can you imagine what we could charge for breaking up a union?”
I develop a sudden interest in the ceiling.
“Uh, Bunny?” I sez. “I know you want to impress the Boss with how good you are at findin’ work for us, but I think in the longer run that it would be in the best interests of M.Y.T.H. Inc. to pass on this particular caper.”
“But why? The owner stands to lose ten times as much if a union forms than he was dropping to embezzlement. We could make a real killing here. He already knows our work.”
In response, I lean back and give her a slow smile.
“When it comes to makin’ a killin’, Bunny, I would advise you not to try to teach your grandmother, which in this case is me, how to steal sheep. Furthermore, there are times when it is wisest not to let the client know too much about your work ... and trust me, Bunny, this is one such time!”